This week’s blog is exploring a concept near and dear to our newest therapist Sky’s heart-relational perfectionism. If you are conflict avoidant or notice that you have a negative reaction to the idea of conflict, especially in the form of judgement, you’ll want to learn more about this concept. Is conflict the enemy of relationships? Many researchers would argue no, conflict is good for relationships. With my 10 years of experience in couples therapy, I have to say I agree. Conflict serves many valuable functions in relationships, including enhancing connection and growth. Learn from Sky’s personal experience and how she integrates this concept into couples therapy.
Read MoreWhat do you think the number one problem couples are facing that results in seeking therapy? Communication. By far, couples are looking for help with their communication. But what does that really mean? In therapy, one of the first things the therapist will dissect and help you understand is the dance of communication you both use, especially in times of conflict. This week’s blog covers 3 different demon dialogues-based on the model of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy by Sue Johnson. Understanding these behavioral patterns is essential to discovering new ways of interacting, resolving conflict, and creating meaningful connection. Which pattern does your relationship fall into?
Read MoreIf you’re expecting your partner to know what you need, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. Even we don’t always understand our own thoughts and needs, so how can we expect another person to know what we want at all times. As humans in relationships, we have to put aside the old belief that if our partner really knew us, they’d be able to read out minds. We either need to learn how to ask for our needs to be met with clarity, or stop complaining. We want you to have a great and connected relationship, so we want to help you learn how to discuss your unmet needs with your partner, so that you both end up feeling connected and getting something amazing out of the relationship. Win-win!
Read MoreDo you try to control or change your partner? We all do to an extent. It’s natural to want to change something that bothers you or really gets under your skin, but it’s a losing battle to constantly attempt to control your partner or the relationship. If you want resentments to grow, keep up with the control issues. But if you want to find other ways to work together with this person you love who you chose to be in a relationship with, then you’ll need to find some other strategies. Check out this week’s blog for more ideas!
Read MoreI’ve seen fights play out in my office that couples have over and over again at home. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable, sometimes it escalates, but most of the time it’s actually great! It gives me the opportunity to step in at integral times to help couples finally break out of the cycle they’ve been in and communicate differently. One common thing couples do is complain about characteristics of the other person, and that shows up in day to day happenings. There’s a fairly simple (simple is not easy) way to get your partner to stop complaining about you and actually find more meaning in your relationship. Check out this week’s blog to find out how.
Read MoreOne of the trickiest parts of coming to see a couples therapist is sitting with the idea that sometimes the therapist will take sides, and it may not always be in your favor. But honestly, that’s what you need-someone who will tell you the truth lovingly and in a way that helps your relationship get better. Having a therapist who is neutral all the time is nice, but also makes it hard to make real progress. Read our latest blog post to learn more about why couples therapists take sides at times, and the benefits you’ll receive as a client.
Read MoreThis is a question many new callers ask us on the phone when they are first in their search for a therapist. There' are so many kinds of therapy and it can be confusing to know what will work best in your situation. While we are always happy to discuss this (and all your) question in more detail, there are some overarching ideas to think about. Couples or individual therapy, what do you really need?
Read MoreDo you act childish during fights with your partner? You don't need to answer that, because I know you do. So does every single person on the planet, until they learn how to heal and change. Trauma is powerful, healing from trauma is even more powerful. In couples therapy you can actually heal, right in front of your partner, from the pain of your past so that the childish part of you can finally be taken care of and calm down. Your Adaptive Child does not have to come out during conflict anymore once you learn how to soothe it.
Read MoreHow do you connect with you partner in the middle of raising young kids? Most couples struggle with building and maintaining a satisfying relationship during these crucial years when the kids are young and need a million things from us. But if you let your relationship die or the intimacy fade, you’ll be in real trouble. We find that simplicity is the best solution to disconnection, find ways to communicate your needs in a clear and direct way to your partner. Plug into creating intentional connection, which looks totally different when you have a year old baby or 3 kids under 10 than it did before kids. Instead of fighting the situation or pretending it’s different, acknowledge your new context and work with it instead of against it.
Read MoreWe’ve explored some reasons why sex is so difficult and the barriers that make engaging harder, and now we’re talking about how to make improvements in your sex life. It can help to understand the factors that make sex physiologically or psychologically more difficult (brakes) and things that really get your engine revving (accelerators). The key is for both partners to understand their own and each other’s turn ons and offs to change the context and set yourselves up for success to create an amazingly satisfying sex life.
Read MoreThis week we’re exploring why your partner can’t seem to do anything right, and of course by right that means the way that you do it. As Terry Real, couples therapist and creator of Relational Life Therapy says, “you can be right or you can be married.” It’s important to be able to increase your emotional intimacy with your partner, and you can do that by exploring differences in the way you approach things in life, even if your partner is folding the laundry wrong.
Read MoreSex…it’s a topic. This is something that couples will inevitably bring up in our time in couples therapy, some are upfront and ready to dive into it, and for other’s it takes some time to get comfortable discussing this part of the relationship. However, it’s essential that you are paying attention to your sexual intimacy, not so much in how often or how spicy it is, but more so understanding each person’s needs and desires. Satisfaction is key, but that looks different for everyone. This is an introduction to some of the factors that impact intimacy, and stay tuned for future posts getting more specific about how to build sexual intimacy.
Read MoreThis is a dynamic that plays out constantly in therapy when couples get into the great debate and go to World War 3 over the toilet paper, and then want to know who’s right and who’s wrong. Many couples therapists will steer far away from that, but we’re different. We’ll tell you the truth, but it may not be in the way you think. Check it out to find out my answer from working with couples for a decade.
Read MoreToday couples therapist Jaimi Douthit is exploring how to create intentional connection in your marriage. We often hear couples coming into therapy saying they feel like roommates, are around each other all the time but they have no real connection with each other. It’s not going to appear just out of no where, connection is created by being intentional and engaging with your partner. Check out this blog post to get some ideas for how to get started so that you can move from not really even caring if your partner is around to actually missing them and wanted to spend time together.
Read MoreThis week we are continuing our series on effective communication by discussing how to change the four horsemen, those behaviors that are strong predictors of divorce. If we know the behaviors to avoid, we have to do active work to change what we’ve been doing for years. We can’t expect those behaviors to just go away because we now understand how damaging they are; we have to intentionally change them. This blog post explores how to deal with each horseman and ways to go about enhancing your communication skills with your partner.
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