How to Improve your Sex Life: Understanding Brakes and Accelerators
You are having sexy time with your husband and you hear a knock at the door. “Mom, can I come in?” Talk about a turn off! Hurry up, gather your “mom isn’t having sex” voice to address the situation. Moments like this trigger your brain to say, “no go, no go”. Yes, you can overcome this situation and still enjoy the night, but these types of signals to the brain are little examples of brakes that have the capacity to to limit our sex lives.
In couples therapy we often discuss that the sexual brain is made up of two parts; the accelerator and the brakes. Both parts receive information based on things you see, hear, touch, smell, taste or imagine. The accelerator part uses this information to process how to engage with sex-related stimuli. The brakes part notices these stimuli and identifies them as potential threats. Basically, no sexy time for you! So, what can we do about it? Check out our other blogs about why sex is so difficult and understanding sexual connection.
Mental and Physical Wellbeing
This may seem like a no brainer. But did you know that when you are in a relaxed state of mind, that your brain will process most sensations as something that should be approached with curiosity? When we become curious, we learn more about what we love in the bedroom and our partners preferences. If you’re stressed and anxious, it’s difficult to get into the mindset of wanting to be sexually intimate.
For women, most of the brakes (or turn offs) are based on stress. It’s important to be mindful of what brings healing to that stress. For some people, it looks like creating rituals that are aimed to wind down. Explore what works for you! Great examples are baths, meditation, cooking, reading, and taking naps.
I notice that most people are aware of the benefits of engaging in physical activity on stress reduction. They may follow-up this conversation with “but ugh, I hate running.” Physical activity should not be something that you dread. Especially, with the intention to reduce stress! Find one that you are happy to engage in. Pilates, walking, cycling, whatever works for you! According to Emily Nagoski, author of Come as You Are, you need to give yourself at least 20-60 minutes of relaxation time to decompress.
Limiting Self-Critical Thoughts
Okay, this one takes work. Our society and media try to tell us what our bodies “SHOULD” look like. Ugh, I hate that word. Anyways, this dialogue can cause self-critical thoughts that magically appear in the bedroom and in-turn, signal those annoying brakes.
Sometimes, we internalize how our body “should” look for our spouse. I love when I hear, especially from men in session, “I just want her to get her confidence back. I think she’s beautiful but she seems to not want to be intimate anymore because of HER views on her body.” Try challenging your thoughts by recognizing the underlying drive for these critical thoughts.
I hope the biggest takeaway you receive from this blog is to be more aware of what sets up your sex life for a positive experience. Also, what limits your ability to be fully present with your partner? Some professionals will say that we have to create a better relationship with your spouse to improve your sex life. I agree with this rationalization. However, If you are in a trusting and respect based relationship, I also believe that the reverse is possible. Sex Therapist, Esther Perel, say’s, “fix the sex, and your relationship will tranform”.