4 Behaviors that Prevent Divorce - The Antidotes to the Four Horsemen
In last week’s blog I let you know that my husband and I got into a conflict the night before I was writing about the four horsemen, the four behaviors that research shows are predictors of divorce. Honestly, it was kinda eye opening and a good reminder that even I need to stop, think, and breathe before engaging in conflict. Conflict is not the enemy in relationships, but sometimes it sure feels that way.
If you haven’t read it yet, go back to the previous blog to learn more about the four horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. You’ll also want to check out the other blogs in this series about effective communication to understand more about the rules for fair fighting, losing strategies in conflict, and managing conflict in front of the kids.
At the beginning of couples therapy, I am careful to assess the behaviors that are the most damaging to relationships. Couples are often shocked when I let them know something they said was highly critical and mean, or that their passive aggressiveness is hurting their marriage. At times, I’ve been known to tell couples that how they talk to each other brings up intense pain for me just watching how much they are hurting each other. These conversations can be a real eye opener for clients, forcing them to wake up and experience the seriousness of how they talk to each other.
AND, we have some tangible, clear behaviors you can engage in to prevent the damage that comes from our poor communication. Characterological aspects of our partners are hard (but not impossible) to change, but our behaviors are really very easy to change. It takes active work to implement these new ways to talk to each other, but believe me it’s totally worth it. Quit tearing each other down and becoming more and more disconnected along the way, it’s not working for you.
The Gottman’s have done decades of research to identify the behaviors that predict divorce with 96% accuracy, which still blows my mind. They have also identified the antidotes to the four horsemen, and these are the skills you need to master in order to move into effective conflict management. Remember, some conflict is positive in relationships, it leads to growth, better understanding of one another, and increased intimacy.
Antidote to Criticism: Gentle Start-Up
While criticism is an attack on a person’s character, a complaint focuses on a specific behavior and voicing a complaint can be done using a gentle start-up. Gentle start-up involves explaining how you feel and what you need without criticism or blame. Avoid starting your sentence with “you” and focus on using good quality “I statements” that express your needs in a positive way.
A criticism sounds like “You’re always late and it’s so selfish,” whereas a gentle start-up complaint would be “It hurts that you haven’t honored our agreement to let me know when you’ll be late. Can we talk about coming up with a plan for how to work together to communicate more clearly?”
Antidote to Contempt: Build a Culture of Appreciation and Respect
Contempt shows up when we feel superior to our partner and we start responding from a one up position as though we are above them. Contempt is destructive and degrading, and can look like sarcasm, mocking, eye rolling, name-calling, etc. This is the number one predictor of divorce, so please don’t sleep on identifying and combating contempt.
There are a few ways to start building a culture of appreciation and respect in your relationship. It’s imperative that you start changing your positive to negative interaction ratio, ideally to 5:1 (5 positive to every 1 negative interaction). The more positive you feel towards your partner overall, the harder it is to lash out in a contemptuous manner towards the person you love, the person who makes mistakes but is overall the amazing human you’ve chosen to be with forever.
You can express understanding of your partner and their position by giving them the benefit of the doubt, even if they’re doing something you don’t like. You can also come from a place of trying to work with them as their partner and teammate. There are so many ways to deal with tense, uncomfortable situations that don’t involve you coming to the conversation from a place of superiority.
Antidote to Defensiveness: Take Responsibility
Ah man, this is the behavior I find to be the hardest for people to change. So many people use defensiveness as a coping mechanism to protect themselves from looking at their own downfalls/perceived weaknesses. Embracing humanity is essential in creating real meaningful relationships, therefore defensiveness is not effective and continues to put space between you and your partner.
Take responsibility for the parts of the conflict and/or tense situation that you can. You don’t have to take accountability for the entire fight or miscommunication, but you have engaged so there’s at least one thing you can acknowledge you played a role in. It’s beneficial to recognize your own behaviors that contribute to situations and increase awareness of the patterns of how you interact with your partner. Each of you identifying how you show up in conflict can lead to amazing results in your communication.
Antidote to Stonewalling: Physiological Self Soothing
I’ve seen stonewalling happen right here in my office (and engaged in it myself from time to time). Stonewalling occurs when someone has become flooded and disengages from their partner, meaning physiologically your brain and body begin to shut down and you can no longer participate in what’s happening. This can also look like a fight-or-flight response becoming activated.
Because stonewalling is often caused by a physiological response (the body shutting down) the antidote is finding ways to self-soothe and recover in a physical/biological way. This typically includes taking a break, at least 20 minutes, in which you can engage in coping skills that will help you to calm your nervous system. Do not spend this time engaging in destructive thoughts, planning out how you will come back to the conflict, thinking of all your comebacks, etc. This will be counter productive. Use this time to fully focus on yourself and your own soothing/calming. You’ll come back to the conflict with a new perspective and access to more of the skills in your brain needed to engage in effective communication.
These skills really aren’t hard, they just take awareness and practice. The best thing you can do is to work with a skilled couples therapist who will be honest with you, let you know what destructive behaviors you’re using, and will sit and practice these strategies with you.
Which of these antidotes do you regularly use, and which feels like the hardest to implement? Let us know in the comments below.