Let's Talk About Sex: Sexual Connection That Is
Let’s talk about sex!
I want to talk about sexual intimacy, meaning consensual sex within your relationship. There are so many times I hear in session, “I wish I would have engaged more in our sexual relationship.” “I know he needs that side, but I just didn’t realize how important it was.” While I hear this mostly from women, I do hear it from men too in couples therapy.
The reason it feels so tragic during my session is because one spouse just didn’t understand the importance of connecting with their spouse in that way. It’s not that they lacked attraction to their spouse, they just didn’t see it as a need to connect. Refresh your sexual intimacy by continuly assessing the following areas in your relationship.
Underlying Conditions
Feeling the desire to be intimate with your spouse or partner can be challenging if you're facing a mental health concern. For example, if you're depressed, it can be hard to connect in this way. Your partner can feel this too. They don’t want to feel like sex is a chore that you are achieving for the day.
The best way to move forward at this time is to take charge of your life by seeking help. Seeing a licensed therapist can set you on a path to healing your depression symptoms, that will in turn, set your relationship up for a better chance at connecting. Look, I understand in a perfect world your partner would never get frustrated or feel neglected at this time. They will. However, there are ways to help your partner feel connected at these times that minimizes negative thoughts. I’ll discuss further below.
Relationship Distress
Relationship distress can severly efffect sexual conncection. In my experience, women seem to be more affected by this. I hate using gender stereotypes, but it does come up more with women. I hear, “I don’t feel like engaging in intimacy with my partner because he doesn’t understand my feelings.” The cycle goes, he doesn’t understand my feelings, sexual intimacy declines, he get’s more reluctant to understand feelings. Ugh, it happens all the time. Both partners just want to be understood more but frustrations increase these negative patterns.
Open Communication (Desires, Needs, and Boundaries)
It seems like our world feels a lot more comfortable with discussing expectations around sex and what having an amazing sex life looks like. Unfortunately, these expectations do not always align with our own personal needs and desires. That is why it is so important to have discussions about what we really enjoy.
In couples therapy, this topic comes up frequently. I find it a little funny that often it’s the men who are a little bit more apprehensive about talking talking about sexual intimacy when they are the ones who express it as a need, initially. Like, “hey, I want this area to increase in my life”, but “let’s not talk about the details.” I have noticed that almost every time my couples talk about the details in session, the next week, they express being more productive in that area, wink! It’s a win for me.
Part of having better communication is also talking about boundaries. In a perfect world, the activities that you enjoyed in bed would also be enjoyable to your spouse. You are two unique human beings with different desires. If there is something that you have been thinking about trying to spice things up, talk about it first. Your partner may have a different view and this could lead to a breakdown in trust if you continually pursue. Once trust is broken, it can really slow sexual intimacy down or hault it all together. I find that there are ways to work together that honor both partners' boundaries.
Love Languages
If you haven’t taken the love language quiz by Gary Chapman, get to it! The quiz brings insight to your specific love languages that help your spouse understand how to engage with you more effectively. The five love languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
If you keep performing acts of service for your spouse, but their love language is quality time, you could unknowingly make your spouse feel neglected. Another way I use these in session is if a partner is having difficulty with finding forgiveness with their spouse. We look at the top two love languages, based on their assessment and discuss ways that would help them connect with their partner in a gradual way. Remember, physical touch does not always mean sex and you can work in within this arena in many other ways.
What do you find is your biggest barrier to sexual intimacy? Let us know in the comments below so we can follow up with more helpful content that will help you with your real world problems. You deserve to have an amazing sex life and relationship, so don’t be shy to ask for more help with your specific issues and we’ll be there to help.