Being Intentional with our Partners While Raising Kids
As we have discussed previously (check out this blog post!), being intentional in connecting with our partner is a must! Uh-oh… but what do we do when we are being pulled in so many directions that it feels even more impossible than before? Sometimes we have to do our best to set ourselves up for success and then hope that our hard work will help us out when it comes time to implement our plan. If all we had to do was be intentional in connecting with our partner, well, it may not feel like I am asking so much of you-but what does real life look like? Real life looks like we have a household to maintain, pets, jobs, family, friends, children and our partners to pay attention to.
I currently have a 10-week-old baby at home and let me tell you, we did our best to set up for success but it is still super hard to be intentional in my connection with my partner. I am going to share some of what we have been trying to keep our relationship strong while having a newborn or young kids at home. I know this will sound like a broken record but communication is key!
I often find myself in a place of feeling like maybe I am over-communicating but it works for us! My husband and I are very open about communicating what we need from each other (and this is what I focus on teaching my clients in couples therapy as well); whether that be a break from caretaking, a drink of water or that famous 20-second hug - we share it all! We have chosen to start a family so I should be able to trust my partner with my frustrations, fears and anything I may need to keep being the best mom I can. While we are communicating our needs, we also take time to discuss what we need around the house like who can take on what chores, who cooks dinner or who is going to change diaper number 1,000.
The second loudest piece of intentional connection while raising kids is compassion. Being compassionate towards our partner is essential to surviving bringing home a newborn or managing the day to day needs of a child. The postpartum experience is super hard and you really need a support team. We work with postpartum moms all the time – call us if you are struggling! Being able to tell my partner, “I am struggling” brought so much relief. I don’t expect my husband to be a postpartum champion or a perfect dad but being on my team and hearing and feeling compassionate support from him makes a massive difference in my recovery and day-to-day ability.
We certainly don’t want to forget intimacy! Remember, intimacy has three realms – emotional intimacy, physical intimacy and sex. We want to find a way to keep intimacy in the relationship without it feeling like a ton of work. Find an activity to enjoy together that has room for some flexibility in case the day ends up not going as planned. We really enjoy movies and found that we could be as flexible as needed if we found an at-home date-night idea we loved, so we invest in that time together and are intentional in our connection. We are compassionate with each other’s feelings and needs so we change up our movie night as needed to work for us.
I’m here to say simplicity is the way to go, especially when you have so much going on in your busy lives. We love to complicate things and tend to think if there’s a complicated problem, we need to find a complex solution. I find it’s usually the opposite. Be kind to yourself, gain awareness of what your true needs are at a base level, and find ways to get those needs met first. Instead of trying to mind read, expecting your partner to mind read, maneuver up, down, and around your needs, tackle your communication and connection head on by overly communicating with your partner. Put your energy into understanding yourself, being direct and clear with your partner, loving with compassion, and finding a way to share a moment of intimacy-it is worth it!