Who's Right and Who's Wrong? A Marriage Therapist's Perspective
I’ve been known to ask my clients to raise both hands, palms facing me and arms outstretched. When they ask me why they’re doing that, I tell them I'm checking to see if they’re wearing boxing gloves. This usually gets a chuckle and can diffuse the conversation temporarily, but the knockdown drag-out fight I’ve been witnessing has already done damage.
Couples often see me as the referee of their conflict. One partner describes the issue from their point of view, the other rebuts it with their version of the “truth”, and at some point, they turn to me and say “Erika, who’s right? Who’s side are you on?”
Do You Expect us to Say That we Don’t Take Sides?
You might expect my answer to be “I don’t take sides.” But, unlike other styles of couples therapy, at the Center for Couples Counseling, we use a type of therapy (we draw from many models, including Relational Life Therapy) in which we will take sides, temporarily and purposefully. We’ll tell you the truth in a way that gets you to think more relationally, increasing the chances both you and your partner get your needs met.
You’re likely squabbling over the definition of a word, the sequence of events, the need that was unfulfilled, how you got there, and of course who’s right and who’s wrong. You both probably agree the argument started over something stupid, BUT you need the other person to understand this point. But, nevertheless, and however will screw up your marriage and lead to divorce. Is it worth it?
But who is objectively right? Well, it’s a trick question. There’s a hard truth you must accept if you want to have a connected and intimate relationship - there is no place for objective reality in personal relationships. Objective reality makes it easier to understand math or schedule your kid’s afternoon activities, but in relationships, staying attached to the idea of objective reality will cause both of you to lose, every…single…time. These circular arguments could go on until the end of time, and you’ll both be pissed off about it.
Marriage Counseling is Here to Help You and Your Partner Learn to Meet Each Other’s Needs
The focus must shift to learning to manage differing subjective realities and negotiating how to meet both partners’ needs. It’s not necessary, and in fact harmful, to have the stipulation that we must agree on one absolute truth; it’s not going to happen because we all perceive things differently. You can be factually correct and relationally incorrect, meaning you can die on the hill of defining a word correctly and be sitting in a room alone and scared by the end of the fight with a partner equally devastated and hurt. Is that really winning?
We need to learn to attend to our partner’s needs, not simply focus on a task or goal. It’s not about accuracy, it’s not about you - it’s about your partner, how they feel, their reality, and how you show up for them. Needing to be right doesn’t allow for connection or repair, it widens the divide between you and your partner. Let go of being defensive and tend to your partner’s hurt; show your partner that they are more important to you than being right.
So Does it Matter Who’s Right and Who’s Wrong?
So, “Who’s right and who’s wrong?” My answer: “Who cares? You’re asking the wrong thing.” A much better question would be “What do you need? How can I take care of you? How can I help you feel better?” And once you get it right, it’s magic.
My name is Erika Labuzan-Lopez, LMFT-S, LPC-S and I’m the owner of the Center for Couples Counseling. I love using a variety of techniques to help couples learn why they move into childish spaces during the conflict, how to put down those defenses for good, and what to do when you can’t access the tools you know will work to get out of conflict. I love working with couples and individuals to learn how to live in the world more relationally and engage in meaningful relationships. With over a decade of couples therapy experience, I am passionate about training and supervising therapists to become specialized in highly effective couples therapy. We see couples, individuals, and all residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule your FREE phone consultation.
Interested in Marriage Counseling in League City, TX?
Don't wait until your relationship reaches a breaking point to seek help. The longer you wait, the harder it can be to repair the damage. Taking the first step towards marriage counseling can be difficult, but it shows a willingness to work through your issues and a commitment to improving your relationship. At Center for Couples Counseling, we provide a safe space for you and your partner to express your feelings, opinions, and concerns without the fear of judgment. To get started follow these three simple steps:
Meet with one of our skilled marriage therapists
Begin to heal from the conflict in your relationship.
Other Services Offered at Center for Couples Counseling
Our team understands you or your relationship might be facing different challenges. To help meet your needs, our Texas practice offers individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. We also offer online therapy in the state of Texas. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!