What is Relational Perfectionism?
Relational perfectionism... a term I've not heard elsewhere but I won't say I coined it (just in case!) is something I realized I struggled with a few years ago.
In this post, I'll be using the term "conflict." By this, I mean the typical types of disagreement, missing of cues, etc. from which there is potential to learn, grow, and connect more deeply. I want to be clear that this type of conflict is distinct from abuse. And that relational perfectionism can show up in people-pleasing, fawning behaviors. For the purposes of this content, I mean it as self-generated standards of doing every interaction just right.
I grew up in a home with parents who worked together and were regularly bickering, criticizing, arguing, interrupting, etc. The interactions were mostly moderate and when they happened, I felt tense. At one point, after a particularly intense argument, I wrote a letter with words like "superfluous" (most likely spelled wrong) and other $5 words about the unnecessary fighting, and slipped it under their door. I became the Peacekeeper and viewed conflict as mostly unnecessary and harmful.
When I entered into my relationship with my now husband at 18, we were so stable, warm and considerate of each other, that our relationship became my benchmark for how all relationships should be. Kind, low conflict, etc. This belief has evolved into how I would like my relationships to be and the potential for a version of what they could be.
I'll be honest, we still have that stable relationship built on a foundation of kindness and respect. When we aren't aligned, we talk, we cry, we apologize quickly, and we've gotten better at not avoiding the hard stuff. We've also sought couples counseling when needed.
I'll be honest about something else now for the sake of relevance and context. We're polyamorous. We have been consensually non-monogamous since year 2 of our now nearly 15 year relationship.
I share this, not to promote a certain type of relationship style, but to make the point that through this relationship style, I got an accelerated course on the uniqueness of every relationship and the wounds and lessons we bring from previous ones. By connecting with people with various relationship trauma and attachment styles, my relational perfectionism was revealed to me and I was able to trace its roots and do some great work.
Often, there are implied agreements within society of what relationships with family, friends, and romantic partners are supposed to look like. People might compare themselves with other couples and find themselves wanting something different if they have more conflict, conflict around a certain topic, or if they have conflict at all.
Couples seek counseling because one or both people experience something that's not aligning with their needs or expectations in the relationship. And that's a fantastic decision. It creates an opportunity and a dialog around what feels good and right about the connection and what needs to be tweaked or strengthened.
There's no such thing as a perfect relationship. There are such things as functional and dysfunctional relationships or ways of relating. Relationships can always benefit from intentional and devoted time and space. And choosing counseling is a way of honoring the connection.
Choosing to intentionally relate with someone is a brave act. It brings up vulnerability, opportunity to reveal and be seen, and to learn about and grow more into ourselves.
If you, like me, are your own worst critic when conflict naturally arises, there are three books I'd like to recommend.
The first is called the Power of Discord. It's about how conflict isn't only unavoidable, it's healthy and necessary for building emotional regulation and resiliency. This book put into perspective for me the importance of the rupture and repair process. The crucial part addressed in the book, and often in my sessions, regards the appropriate timing and earnestness of responses to conflict can build deeper connection and trust than if the conflict never occurred. Viewing it through this lens, rather than something to beat myself up about, or internalize the other person’s impact, I now view conflict as an opportunity for growth.
The next book is a how-to guide for the repair process. For past conflicts that are still unresolved, painful, and steeped in resentment, I recommend When Sorry Isn’t Enough by Gary Chapman & Jennifer Thomas. Gary Chapman is known for distilling and creating content for the Five Love Languages. This book similarly breaks down the components of an apology; the benefits of both understanding our own and others’ apology languages, not assuming others’ are the same as our own, the different types of apologies, and the value of forgiveness. There’s even a quiz at the back of the book with scenarios to help you discover your preferred apology languages. I have found this book to be a valuable guide to healing and forgiveness.
Which leads me to my final book recommendation. A few years ago, my friend, Jason Digges, published a book called Conflict = Energy. This book is mostly about process. Jason answers questions such as: How do we harness the power of discord and turn it into productive energy in our personal and professional lives? How can we show up with integrity in our values and lead, if needed, to shift the dynamics of a negatively charged interaction into a catalyst for further clarity and connection? There are specific instructions for how to set context, self or co-regulate, and how to engage in communication exercises from the Authentic Relating community, of which I am a leader in Houston.
While these books are excellent tools for building a healthier connection, sometimes we need to verbalize things and receive guided practice in building communication and conflict resolution skills. In this case, I’m here to help. I can walk you through experiential exercises to navigate sticking points and transform them into springboards.
With the help of this Authentic Relating community (Authentic Houston), my consensual non-monogamy journey, and these books, I've been able to recognize my relational perfectionism as unnecessary and unproductive. Now, when my inner critic and editor arise, I can reframe miscommunication or misunderstandings more easily. And I am able to celebrate the growth and deepening available when, instead of relational perfectionism, I embrace the gifts of relational dynamism.