How to Discuss Your Unmet Needs with Your Partner
Why do we often expect our partner to magically know what we want? Yes, there is comfort in knowing that our partner remembers what we love and provides that without request. But we are always evolving and our needs often change.
I have seen couples that have been together for over 10 years feel completely surprised when they hear their partner expressing a need that has never been discussed prior to therapy. Allowing your partner to learn about a new need can seem selfish to some, but I like to look at it as an opportunity to be more in tune with each other's worlds.
Intimacy is the ability to feel emotional closeness. Learning about your partner's needs is the fastest way to increase intimacy and lifelong connection. Follow the following steps to discuss your needs with your partner.
Discern Honestly What Your Need Actually Is
I don’t know how many times couples have sat in front of me and stated that they need their partner to step it up around the house. This seems like a logical request, but normally it’s so much more. Oftentimes the household complaint can be secondary to the actual issue.
When I search deeper, themes often emerge around not feeling like a priority or lack of commitment to connection. Instead of the partner making a request for more intentional alone time, they intensify their disappointment in the trash not being taken out or the dishes not being done.
Don’t get me wrong, those things are frustrating and very real complaints. But try to reflect if there is something else that is sitting with you. Is your partner always on the phone and you feel second in every way? Say that! Example: “I feel disconnected from you when you’re always on your phone.” “I need you to be more present at home”.
Watch Your Tone
Nothing puts walls up faster than when you state a need with anger or sarcasm. This is often a sign of you storing up frustrations and resentments. One way to avoid this is to discuss things quicker in order to show your partner the most respect.
Remember that the person sitting in front of you loves you and ultimately desires to make you happy. Why? Because when you're happy, they reap the rewards as well. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot with a need based on your delivery.
End with a Cherry on Top
When I have a request for my needs being fulfilled by my partner, I like to follow-up with a statement of gratitude. I want them to ultimately know that, while I have a new desire or request, I am still so grateful for what we have. But take it one step further…. Invite them to discuss anything they have been needing. It’s such a great opportunity to connect and strengthen intimacy in the future.