Established Relationship Energy: Reframing Romance
In our series on everyday romance, we've gotten great insight from my colleagues on approaching tasks with more fun and teamwork. We've learned how to begin mindful check-in's, give affirmations, engage in platonic touch, perform thoughtful gestures, buy favorite snacks, all those yummy love languages.
Yes, be a fun sock folding team! Yes, be intentionally affectionate! Yes, begin healthier relationship habits!
I want to zoom out to how the experience of comfort and contentment might slide into the framing of settling and resentment over time; and offer a reframe on how you're viewing your relationship.
A while back, I wrote a blog on New Relationship Energy (NRE), clinically called Limerence, warning about the potential consequences of making major life decisions while on brain drugs. These brain drugs are natural attachment neurochemicals, which vary from person to person and also are highest at the beginning of a relationship. Of course, NRE is really thrilling and enlivening. It's what a lot of people think of when they think of romance and falling in love. It's the version of you who drives all night to see your person. Eventually, if you stay in it long enough, you become the version who gets a hotel room halfway to home, and that's okay.
Today, I'm going to dive into the other side of the coin, Established Relationship Energy (ERE).
What is ERE?
Established Relationship Energy is feeling comfortable and secure with a longer-term partner, with whom you've discovered each other's quirks, navigated tough terrain, learned how to repair, and feel confident in your ability to do it again. It is an energetic ease of trusting in the relationship due to a strong foundation of familiarity and fondness. Cozy, warm, reliable.
What does ERE look like in action?
Being able to turn a past argument into an inside joke.
Feeling comfortable to share your fears, wounds, and dreams openly.
Believing your partner holds you in positive regard; even when you're messy, put your foot in your mouth, or forget to take out the trash.
Interdependence/differentiation: the ability to have your own friends, interests, and not be swept up in or overly responsible for your partner's feelings.
Knowing your partner's food preferences or allergies and meal planning accordingly
Feeling content to watch your favorite show together. Or finding ways to enjoy a how your partner loves.
Having a mutually understood way of initiating sex; whether that's eyebrow waggles or "Wanna bangity-bang?"
Feeling comfortable to initiate platonic touch. According to one of my partners, foot rubs are "ultimate love."
Feeling safe to make requests, trusting follow-thru, and extending grace while re-negotiating if needed.
The satisfaction of being able to predict your partner's response to a situation or share.
Knowing your partner's rhythm of response to messages.
The special joy of intentional quality time. Whether it's a weekly games night, monthly date night, or a trip just the two of you.
Celebrating milestones. Early in a relationship, you’re collecting new badges on the relationship vest left and right and wearing them with pride. As the relationship continues, the badges might be more spaced out yet carry more weight.
Feeling confident in what is most supportive for your partner when they’re upset, hurting, grieving; and feeling comfortable to ask if you’re unsure.
Finding Balance
In her book Mating In Captivity, Esther Perel discusses a general truth about humans in relationships. We want both security and novelty. We want to feel safe while experiencing new adventures. When we’re too focused on comfort, we can stagnate. When we are too focused on thrill-seeking, we risk safety. The extremes become complacency or chaos. When each person in a relationship comes with a different temperament toward one or the other, it can feel like a chasm of disconnection rather than an opportunity to complement each other.
The healthiest, most fulfilling long-term relationships find ways to balance and provide for multiple needs. By continuing to get curious about your partner’s experience rather than assuming what they enjoyed about their meal or the sexy time you just had, you can learn where your partner is now, in this moment, and that’s exciting! Maybe try a new restaurant or venue every third date. Reliability and consistency are the muscles of a relationship, they move you forward and through. Variety is the nervous system, arm hairs being grazed, sending an alertness that quickens your heart. Both are necessary for an enriching relationship.
I’ve been with my husband for half of my life. We’ve grown up together. Over the years, our context has changed from college to grad school to work. Our bodies have changed in how they respond based on our hormones and levels of stress. We’ve experienced different triumphs and losses. We have many shared values and very different ways of applying them. He is a slightly extroverted introvert in social situations and I’m the coordinator, gatherer, and social butterfly. We have different hobbies, and I enjoy that. We include each other in many, not all, of our adventures. We’ve traveled to Europe, and honestly walking around the neighborhood and talking is just as fulfilling for me.
Things to be mindful of when trying to strike a balance are:
playfulness or flirting can feel dismissive if there’s a lack of acknowledgement of bigger issues.
On the other hand, focusing only on healing, preventing, or addressing problems may create a relationship where it feels overly laborious or stale.
Of course, quality time is important. Yet, it often finds itself in tension with family care or career, home improvement, and self-improvement ambitions.
Lacking any of these, not finding the right timing, or the right balance, can stifle romance, even in the absence of discord or resentment. How many things on the list do you experience with your partner? Are there ones you want to experience more of? Do you need help finding the balance? We’re here to help!
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am an LGBTQ+ person and professional passionate about helping couples and individuals find empowerment in their lives and relationships. If you’re looking to grow with new tools and humor, call (832) 827-3288 to set up your free phone consultation. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
Interested in Meeting a Couples Therapist in League City, TX?
If you want to improve your relationship and reconnect with your partner, take action now and start being more curious about your relationship. At Center For Couples Counseling, one of our skilled couples therapists can help you and your partner navigate your challenges and rediscover the curiosity and passion that brought you together in the first place. Don't wait any longer to invest in the health and happiness of your relationship. To meet with a couples therapist follow these three simple steps:
Contact us to schedule an appointment
Meet with one of our skilled couples therapists
Begin to find the curiosity in your relationship and reconnect with your partner!
Other Services Offered at Center for Couples Counseling
At Center For Couples Counseling, our team of skilled therapists understands that your relationship may be facing different challenges. In addition to couples therapy, our Texas practice offers individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!