Reliability and Consistency: The Pillars of Trustworthiness
What is trust? And what does it mean to trust someone?
In my research and professional development as a couples therapist, I’ve come across many definitions of trust. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines trust as “the firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something”. Research from the NIH identifies trust as a “standing decision in which someone is given the benefit of the doubt” and “a relationship among people in which the relationships facilitate ongoing interactions that involve risk-taking and uncertainty about future interactions.”
The Gottmans explain that we need trust in relationships to allow partners to feel emotional and commitment safety. It’s the necessary mechanism to form deep connections and security in knowing that everything will be ok when things get rough. Brene Brown has an acronym related to the components of trust-BRAVING (Boundaries, Reliability, Accountability, Vault, Integrity, Non-Judgment, and Generosity). She provides the definition of trust as “choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions.”
For my clients, I define trust as “the desire and willingness to know and share the good, the bad, and the ugly.” In order to build trust and deep connection, we have to be willing to get vulnerable and comfortable with being uncomfortable.
How do you build trust?
Trust can be tricky, because it requires such a high level of vulnerability but also because it changes over time. Trust isn’t static, it’s a living breathing aspect of our connection to other people, shaped and strengthened over time. I like to think about it as building up trust brick by brick, slowly over time and with small pieces. It takes one thing to knock it all over, and we have to start again-step by step, brick by brick.
There are two pillars that contribute to building trust in relationships: Reliability and Consistency.
Reliability: The Promise of Dependability
Reliability is the assurance that one’s partner can be counted on to fulfill their commitments, follow through on promises, and be present when needed. It’s being where you say you’re going to be, and doing what you say you’re going to do. While reliability encompasses tangible actions, like completing tasks you said you were going to do and texting your partner when you’re headed home, it’s also important to think about the non-tangibles such as emotional support and stability in times of uncertainty.
Reliability is essential to foster safety in relationships. When you tell your partner one thing but they suspect that’s not true (or learn that’s not true), their body screams that they are unsafe. Humans can feel it in our bodies when other people are lying or not being genuine, but because we want to trust our partner, we push those signals down and ignore them, especially when the lies are denied. And then when the lie is exposed, the partner who was suspicious has been feeling crazy, and now that they're validated, they question themselves and lose trust with their own ability to discern fiction from truth. Reliability helps us feel safe, with others and ourselves.
In couples therapy, sessions revolve around building reliability through effective communication, setting realistic expectations, and honoring agreements. Whether you’ve agreed to show up to appointments on time, attend church on Sundays, be transparent with your phone, or sit down to have a relationship check-in twice a week, reliability sends a valuable message. If behavior is a language, reliability tells your partner “I’m here for you, no matter what.”
Consistency: The Key to Sustained Connection
Consistency is the art of maintaining a steady pattern of behaviors, attitudes, and responses over time. It involves aligning one’s words with actions, embodying integrity, and cultivating trust through repetition and reliability. Consistent behavior and upholding agreements builds a sense of security and coherence within the relationship, allowing partner’s to anticipate each other’s responses and feel assured in their emotional bond.
In couples therapy, exploring consistency often entails examining patterns of behavior, identifying areas of improvement, and practicing mindful presence in interactions. We look at triggers, why those things are triggers, slowing down when we feel triggered, and communicating with your partner. Sometimes it’s as simple as verbiage used or the tone of voice feels threatening-these can be easy behavioral changes once looked at through the lens of helping the relationship and engaging in consistently doing something our partner has asked for.
The Interplay of Reliability and Consistency
Reliability and consistency are intertwined virtues, each reinforcing and complementing each other in the quest for trustworthiness. A reliable partner demonstrates consistency through their actions, while consistent behavior enhances reliability by affirming trustworthiness over time. This interplay creates equilibrium that sustains the emotional connection between partners, even when the shit hits the fan.
A couples therapist fosters reliability and consistency by helping each partner explore past experiences, addressing underlying insecurities, and co-creating strategies to build trust. Therapy will challenge you to work together as a couple in a whole new way by being honest and putting our complaints and needs on the table so that our partner can respond in the way we actually need and show up over and over again. Trust breeds intimacy, resilience, and fulfillment.
Say what you mean, mean what you say. Do what you say you’re going to do, and be where you say you’re going to be. Don’t say yes when you mean no and no when you mean yes. Show up over and over again, even when you don’t feel like it. It’ll feel good in your own body, and your relationship will grow in unexpected ways. It’s worth it.
My name is Erika Labuzan-Lopez, LMFT-S, LPC-S and I’m the owner at the Center for Couples Counseling. I love using a variety of techniques to help couples learn why they move into childish spaces during conflict, how to put down those defenses for good, and what to do when you can’t access the tools you know will work to get out of conflict. I love working with couples and individuals to learn how to live in the world more relationally and engage in meaningful relationships. With over a decade of couples therapy experience, I am passionate about training and supervising therapists to become specialized in highly effective couples therapy. We see couples, individuals, and all residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule your FREE phone consultation.
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