Fools Rush In: The Unintended Consequences of Limerence and How Couples Therapy Can Help
Many of us have heard the immortal opening line of Elvis's song. "Wise men say..." and he responds "but I can't help falling in love with you." It's a very romantic sentiment. To be so swept away, infatuated, smitten with a new partner to lose all sense of reason and just dive in.
This phenomenon has a name. Limerence, or New Relationship Energy, as it is referred to in the Polyamory community, is the experience of being so enthralled with a new connection that they move quickly and are blind to any potential concerns or faults of their new love interest. Despite protestations or questions by established people in their lives, they take a leap.
Sometimes the terrain awaiting them is rough. Have you ever done this? I know I have.
I noticed a trend in my clients. Many were together a year or less before getting married. They made a huge life decision and merged their families in less than 365 days, which is approximately the duration the connection hormones that contribute to that enjoyable "in love" feeling lasts.
In fact, many serial monogamists chase the high of being in love to the point that once the glow starts to fade, they jump ship to find it again. I learned about this pattern in my high school psychology class and I'm glad I listened. That doesn't mean I never dove in too quickly. It does mean that I recognize the timeline of when the proverbial shit could hit the fan and when tension might arise in the connection, and I can have perspective about it.
What I've noticed over time in my friends' lives and my own is that often a relationship starts to show signs of instability or resilience around a year and a half. Once those rose-colored glasses get replaced with prescription lenses, how does your partner look? Do you still find the way they hum while making breakfast endearing or grating? Have you seen someone through all seasons, navigate family and holidays, have you traveled together? Have you seen how they respond when you get a flat tire? Do they roll with it and pitch in or do they complain and blame? How much life have you observed this person living to see if you’re really compatible, especially if you have kids?
You might be awesome at co-parenting but disagree on finances. You might have an amazing sex life and very little emotional intimacy. You might have similar life goals and vastly different ideas of how to get there. And, you might not realize any of these discrepancies until you've already hitched your wagon.
If you have children from a previous relationship and your partner does too, you're stepping into not only the lives of each other's children, but also those of their exes. Have you seen how they interact? Is there shared custody? What has that looked like over time?
Often clients report that they chose their current partner because they seemed different than the last. Sometimes they truly are different and sometimes there are superficial differences and deep similarities that are only revealed over time.
Once you start to notice some concerning behaviors in the system, whether it's your partner, their kid(s), or ex, and your kids are already interacting with new step-siblings, you might already live together, then what?
Which brings me to my next topic. Waiting too long. Many couples come to me saying they've had "issues" for years (Gottman estimates that couples wait about 6 years after having a therapy worthy issue before attending therapy!). Unsaid, unresolved muck that's been addressed passive-aggressively or not at all. Often the same people who rushed into committing to each other are slow to find help. Which, unsurprisingly, makes the process of healing and repairing more daunting. I have never, not once, had clients tell me ignoring and waiting to address relational concerns has been beneficial to their relationship.
They didn't have full compatibility from the beginning and now they're trying to examine and manufacture it together. Or trying to reclaim how great and fun it was in the beginning. Or trying to learn how to resolve conflict after the commitment.
Couples counseling isn't about going back to how things used to be. It's about taking the pieces that worked, adding new pieces, and building something stronger.
So, if you can, take your time to get to know someone. Try to wait at least a year and a half, maybe two before making any major life changes. Will this guarantee you'll have a happy and healthy relationship? Of course not. There are no guarantees and there's no universal timeline that equals success in a relationship. You can learn powerful lessons from any duration of connection. My suggestion is to do it at a pace that gives you latitude of choice to make informed decisions. And, if you’re already committed to someone and struggling to be on the same page or have the intimacy you desire, schedule couples counseling today.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am passionate about helping couples and individuals pause, evaluate, set goals, and heal. To set up your free phone consultation so we can determine fit, call (832) 827-3288. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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