Requests: How to Ask for and Receive More of What You Want
What comes up for you when you hear the word “requests”? Ease? Tightness? Leaning in? Avoidance? Fear? You might notice your stomach or throat feels tight.
Why do we make requests? Typically, because we need help, something to change, or are seeking pleasure or connection.
The thing about requests is that making them and receiving a positive reaction and follow-through sets us up for more comfort and security, AND they’re SO much easier to make if we already feel comfortable and secure.
In my work , whether it’s an individual or couple, the discussion of requests always surfaces. And, almost always, there’s ‘a lot of hair on that soap,’ as my friend would say. Many people grew up with implicit or explicit messaging about asking for things.
You might have been told to be self-sufficient, not needy… You might have been ignored, belittled, yelled at, or abused for expressing a want or need. This squashes a felt sense of safety when it comes to asking for things and trusting that someone cares, is open to hearing it, and might even follow-through. This is where that tightness in the throat comes in.
On the other extreme, you might have been bossed around or catered to so much that you never grew the skill of having to ask for things because there was a certain way things were done with no room for deviation. You might not have learned to plan ahead or sit with yourself long enough to identify what you want.
In the middle are people who felt relatively cared for, safe, secure, and confident their requests would be heard, considered, and enacted. If this is you and you’re partnered with someone who struggles with identifying needs or making requests, this can be really frustrating and confusing.
My partner recently told me about the concepts of Ask Culture and Guess Culture. Ask culture values directness, timeliness, and leans in. Guess culture values gauging, subtlety, and factoring in environment and mood. Friction occurs when partners grew up in different cultures. People who grew up in ask culture engaging with someone who grew up in guess culture might judge them as passive aggressive and exasperating. ‘What do you want? Get to the point! Just ask me!’ People who grew up in guess culture engaging with someone who grew up in ask culture might judge them as rude and likely feel overwhelmed by their directness. ‘You’re so bossy! You expect me to do everything right away.’ Neither are right or wrong. This way of trying to get our needs met has served us for a long time. The opportunity of couple’s counseling is learning the keys to balancing these different approaches by understanding how your partner was conditioned, exploring request styles, practicing requests in a space of experimentation and support, and learning the art of negotiation.
Why try a new approach to requests?
1. You can figure out how to get more help with home and/or child care.
2. You can learn how to feel more fulfilled in your love languages.
3. You can gain confidence in giving feedback and receiving more pleasure in your intimacy.
So, how do I make a request?
1. Listen to your body. When you think of doing something for someone or something you desire, practice slowing down and noticing what your body does in response. Do you feel a fast heartbeat? Tight belly? Raised shoulders? Tight jaw? Or deep breathing? Soft belly? Lowered shoulders? Relaxed face?
2. Make lists. If you or your partner struggles to identify wants, come up with lists of options. Support yourself or them by giving or getting input on low stakes choices, such as where to eat for dinner or what to do on a date or family time. Choose a type of food, restaurant, or activity once a week to start.
3. Start with the magic words “Would you…” ‘Can you…’ connotes capacity. Sometimes someone’s energy or availability means they can’t do something they wish they could. ‘Will’ can feel too promissory, especially to those from guess culture. You never heard of a Would & Testament… ‘Would’ implies an openness to consideration, it feels out willingness. That said, in sessions we play around with what wording works best on each other’s nervous systems.
4. Ask for something really specific and trackable. If it’s a home care task, I ask “Would you take out the trash every Tuesday night by 10pm?”
If it’s requesting a change in behavior, instead of saying “Be nicer. Don’t yell, etc.” I say, “Would you bring your voice down to match the level of my voice right now?”
5. Figure out timing. When your partner is rushing to get ready for work or is about to go to sleep probably isn’t the best time to make logistical or relational requests, especially if this is already an area of tension. In session, we can identify the best time of day and a broad check-in, such as: “Is this a good time to discuss our upcoming trip? If not, when would be?”
6. Thank your partner for their ‘No’s.’ It might sound odd at first, but if your partner feels comfortable saying ‘no,’ it’s easier to negotiate and believe their yeses.
Give grace and gratitude. Making requests is often really vulnerable, especially for people who have received a lot of negativity for doing so. If you or they are indirect or clumsy, remember we’re practicing a new skill. When someone does fulfill a request, even if clumsily, thanks them and build on what they’re already doing.
If any number of these seem overwhelming, I’m here to help you gain skills in getting more of what you want in your partnership and beyond.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am passionate about helping couples and individuals pause, evaluate, set goals, and heal. To set up your free phone consultation so we can determine fit, call (832) 827-3288. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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