Expressions of Love: Celebrating Milestones
What have been milestones in your relationship?
Depending on how long you've been together and life goals, these can look different for everyone.
The main ones people think of in modern America are: a first date, an anniversary, moving in together, a wedding, getting a pet, having kids, reaching a particular anniversary, retirement, etc. Not always in that order.
These are great milestones and worth celebrating.
Sometimes, even big steps can be taken for granted because they're expected as the natural progression. This is what many who operate outside of monogamy refer to as the "relationship escalator." You get on and ride in a pre-determined direction. Even the escalator is contextual based on culture, class, etc.
Something I enjoy about my chosen relationship style of Polyamory is that culturally, we choose the important things to us from a less prescriptive place with a wider lens. Then, we zoom in where we want to focus. This provides many opportunities to recognize moments of relational value.
Examples of milestones from my own relationships:
Saying "I love you" for the first time
Giving a new partner a key to my place
Creating a playlist together
The first time I'm included in a friend or family group space or get to share a holiday
Doing a commitment ceremony
These are things that don't have to happen with my partners, and I value them even more because of that.
If you were to be descriptive about meaningful steps in your romantic relationship, what would those be? I recommend making a list based on past or current relationship(s). Start broad, then get more detailed about what you value about each of them. For me, contexting how I want to be in a relationship with someone is an important milestone.
Some ways to document and celebrate these milestones would be to keep a journal, scrapbook, digital photobook, etc.
A way I celebrate walking in between the milestones with a partner is to share "highlights." Highlights are the moments and interactions that bring pleasure, amusement, insight... It doesn't necessarily have to be a fun thing. Sometimes, my highlights are someone being vulnerable and sharing something difficult with me because I now know them more fully.
There are so many ways to celebrate the details in the fabric.
No matter the event or duration, this is a practice I highly value. Even for those who put significantly more weight on actions than words, this can be a useful way to gain feedback on what actions are being recognized and appreciated. This can help you feel connected, appreciated, and refine how you're showing and receiving love.
Not only that, focusing on gratitude helps decrease anxiety!
I often do this at the end of or after a date, a meal, sex, a trip...
Examples of highlights from my own relationships:
“When the hostess said "Awww!" when you mentioned your ears get cold and I asked if you have earmuffs.”
“When we did a treasure hunt to a ring so I could propose.”
“When we walked through the botanical gardens on Crete and you looked so peaceful.”
“When we made homemade mac n cheese.”
“When we supported each other when travel plans got super messed up.”
“When you gave me an ornament with a drawing by your five-year old son for Christmas.”
When you share or receive a highlight that is particularly touching, I recommend writing it somewhere to reflect on when you’re having a rough day individually or with your partner. Or even to go over together regularly.
In this season of celebrating love, I encourage you to celebrate the monumental milestones and appreciate the miles in between as you walk hand in hand on this journey.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am passionate about helping couples and individuals pause, evaluate, set goals, and heal. To set up your free phone consultation so we can determine fit, call (832) 827-3288. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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