Should You Stay or Leave After an Affair? How to Make the Right Decision for You
If you’re reading this, you’re probably stuck in one of the hardest questions of affair recovery: Should we try to make this work, or is it time to walk away?
Infidelity can be devastating, but it doesn’t automatically mean the end of a relationship. Some couples rebuild and come out stronger. Others realize they can’t (or don’t want to) repair what’s been broken. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer—only what feels right for you.
So, how do you decide?
Step 1: Pause Before Making a Final Decision
The immediate aftermath of discovering an affair is a whirlwind of emotions—anger, betrayal, sadness, confusion. It’s easy to feel like you need to make a quick decision. But unless you’re in a situation where you feel unsafe, giving yourself time and space to process can be invaluable.
It’s okay to say:
“I don’t know what I want yet.”
“I need time to figure out if this relationship can be repaired.”
“I’m not making any big decisions while my emotions are this raw.”
Time doesn’t erase pain, but it does give you clarity.
Step 2: Consider What the Affair Meant
Not all affairs are the same. Some happen in a moment of impulse; others are long-term betrayals. Some are primarily physical; others are deeply emotional. Understanding the why behind the affair can help you see whether repair is possible.
Ask yourself:
Was this an isolated mistake, or part of a pattern of dishonesty?
Is my partner truly remorseful, or just afraid of losing me?
Does my partner understand why they made this choice?
For the partner who had the affair, reflecting on why it happened is crucial. If the affair was a symptom of deeper unhappiness or unmet needs, those issues will need to be addressed—whether you stay together or not.
Step 3: Assess Your Willingness to Rebuild
Rebuilding a relationship after infidelity isn’t just about staying together—it’s about actively repairing trust, communication, and emotional connection. Both partners have to be willing to put in the work.
For the betrayed partner, this means:
Being honest about your pain and needs.
Allowing space for healing, without expecting an instant fix.
Recognizing that forgiveness (if it happens) is a process, not a switch you flip.
For the partner who had the affair, this means:
Taking full responsibility—no excuses, no blaming.
Demonstrating trustworthiness consistently, not just saying the right things.
Being patient when your partner struggles with triggers or doubts.
If one or both partners aren’t willing to do the work, staying together may only lead to more resentment and pain.
Step 4: Listen to Your Gut (Not Just Fear)
Staying in a relationship out of fear (fear of being alone, fear of starting over, fear of hurting the kids) isn’t the same as choosing the relationship because you truly believe in it.
Ask yourself:
If I knew I’d be okay on my own, would I still want to stay?
Does this relationship, as it is now, bring me more peace or pain?
Can I realistically see a future where trust is rebuilt?
If your gut is telling you that staying is only delaying the inevitable, it may be time to consider a different path.
Step 5: Seek Support—You Don’t Have to Decide Alone
Talking through your feelings with a therapist, trusted friend, or support group can bring clarity. Sometimes, when emotions are overwhelming, an outside perspective can help you see the bigger picture.
Couples therapy can also be helpful even if you’re unsure whether you want to stay. A therapist can help facilitate conversations, identify patterns, and guide you toward a decision that feels right for you.
Step 6: Accept That There’s No Perfect Choice
No matter what you decide, there will be challenges. If you stay, healing won’t be instant—it will take patience and effort. If you leave, there will be grief, even if you know it’s the right choice.
But the real question is: What kind of life do you want to build from here?
If you choose to stay, make sure it’s because you genuinely believe in the possibility of healing—not just because you’re afraid to leave.
If you choose to walk away, remind yourself that ending a relationship doesn’t mean failure—it means choosing what’s best for your well-being.
Moving Forward
Infidelity is one of the hardest challenges a relationship can face. But whether you stay or go, you deserve a future built on honesty, respect, and emotional safety. Take your time, listen to yourself, and know that whatever choice you make, healing is possible.
If you need guidance in this process, therapy can help you gain clarity and move forward with confidence. You don’t have to figure it out alone.
My name is Erika Labuzan-Lopez, LMFT-S, LPC-S and I’m the owner at the Center for Couples Counseling. I love using a variety of techniques to help couples learn why they move into childish spaces during conflict, how to put down those defenses for good, and what to do when you can’t access the tools you know will work to get out of conflict. I love working with couples and individuals to learn how to live in the world more relationally and engage in meaningful relationships. With over a decade of couples therapy experience, I am passionate about training and supervising therapists to become specialized in highly effective couples therapy. We see couples, individuals, and all residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule your FREE phone consultation.
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Are you and your partner struggling with marital issues? Looking to build a strong and secure relationship? At Center For Couples Counseling, you and your partner can learn to reconnect, create a healthy relationship, and gain support from our skilled couples therapists. To get started with couples therapy follow these three simple steps:
Contact us to schedule an appointment
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