Grudges Through the Generations: Why Resentment is the Emotional Dust Bunny Under Every Relational Rug
As I get older, I yearn for and savor the magical opportunities to sit and talk with my jolly, British, 70 something father. Story time, informed discussions, or a venting session about how our Wordle guesses were better than the actual answer itself; I love it all. While he’d call himself cautiously and justifiably cynical, I see in him a consistent, loyal, devoted, empath. Po-tay-toe. Po-tah-toe. A recent conversation of ours about how unaddressed anger or misunderstanding can lead to all-out war inspired my approach to this blog post about something we often try to avoid; resentment. I wanted to dive deeper into questions like: How do we learn to process feelings of resentment over the generations? And how do our formative years inform how we move within our own adult relationships?
Resentment. It’s that little emotional splinter we pick up along life’s journey that, if left buried, turns into a throbbing full-blown tree. If you’ve ever found yourself not-so-silently seething during your partner’s third retelling of the same corny joke at a party, you’re not alone. Resentment is the uninvited guest at most relationships’ tables. Here’s the good news: you can invite it to leave.
The Family of Origin Factor
If resentment had a family tree, the roots would be firmly planted in the soil of our upbringing. Our family of origin consists of the people who raised us and the dynamics we grew up with. These unique constellations influence how we perceive fairness, express frustration, and handle emotional hurt. Did your parents fight it out loudly, or was the silent treatment their weapon of choice? Was Grandma’s list of grudges longer than a CVS receipt? Did grandpa make her the butt of the joke over and over the years? Chances are, those patterns shaped how you handle resentment today.
These generational patterns take many shapes for us later in our relationships. They might look like finding it hard to let go of small infractions in your own relationships if you grew up in a household where grudges were the norm. On the other hand, if your family swept everything under the rug, you might struggle to even recognize when resentment is building—until it bursts out like an emotional volcano during what should’ve been a minor disagreement.
The Evolution of Resentment
Let’s take a stroll down memory lane. My grandparents’ generation often embraced the “grin and bear it” philosophy. Marriage was a lifelong commitment, for better or worse (emphasis on worse), and both public and private appearances formed lasting perceptions. They might have harbored resentment, but expressing it was rarely on the table. That emotional constipation could, and did, lead to decades of unresolved tension and passive-aggressively baked goods. A spoonful of sugar could not cover the bitterness.
Fast forward to my parents’ era, where self-help books and therapy started gaining traction. While the boomers began dabbling in the idea of emotional health, many still held onto the belief that "staying together for the kids" was more important than addressing their real, honest, underlying issues. Resentment might have been acknowledged but wasn’t always resolved.
Now, in the age of mindfulness apps and relationship podcasts, we’re finally starting to see resentment for what it is: a signal that something needs attention. We’re also realizing that ignoring it doesn’t make it go away—it just buries it deeper, where it can fester into something much harder to tackle.
Normalizing the Struggle
Every relationship has its moments of resentment. It doesn’t mean you’re doomed or that your love isn’t strong enough. It simply means you’re human. Welcome to the club, the water’s fine, and we’re thrilled you’re here! Resentment, big or small, is a sign that something needs attention, not a flashing neon arrow pointing to the exit. Whether you’re feeling the weight of decades-old grudges or just starting to notice the seeds of resentment sprouting, please know this: healing is possible. And it often starts with a willingness to talk, to listen, and whenever the opportunity arises, to laugh.
Healing Resentment in Relationships
Here’s the thing about resentment: it’s often less about the actual issue (the dishes, the forgotten anniversary, the mismatched socks) and more about what those things represent. Unmet needs. Unspoken expectations. Feelings of being undervalued or unheard.
Couples therapy can act like a reset button for resentment. It provides a safe space to unpack the baggage, identify the underlying causes of resentment, and explore how your individual family of origin stuff might be influencing your relational reactions. With this knowledge, the possibilities are endless. Now, we learn new tools and audit the existing ones. Now we can begin to develop healthier ways to express frustration and address conflict before it snowballs. And from here, we can start rebuilding connections. This is where we can experience the shift in focus from blame to understanding, ultimately fostering more empathy and mutual respect for each other.
Whether you’re in a new relationship or you’ve been together since before dial-up internet, therapy can help you break free from the resentment cycle. It’s not about airing every grievance you’ve ever had. It’s about identifying the ones that are blocking joy and preventing positive regard. We’ll help you discern which ones to share and which ones to let go of or vent to a trusted confidante. Freeing ourselves from the vicious cycle of resentment is about building resilience and learning to handle conflict in a way that strengthens your bond rather than eroding it. Breaking the cycle of resentment is a gift you give not just to your relationship but to yourself. It’s a way to model healthier communication and conflict resolution for future generations. Because let’s face it: we’d all rather pass down Grandma’s recipe for peaceful pie as opposed to her knack for grudge-holding.
Hey there! I’m Tamsin, and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate located in League City, Tx. I am an LBGTQ+ affirming counselor, specializing in helping people see their relationship in a new way so they can change their behavior. I believe we can all have the relationship we really want by challenging our mindsets and learning to grow together. If you're seeking a therapist who will sit with you as we explore all the pieces of your relational puzzle in a non-judgmental way, please call (832) 827-3288. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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