How to Deal with Intrusive Thoughts: Affair Recovery and Infidelity PTSD Triggers
Although everyone would like the pain of infidelity to end quickly, it usually sticks around for quite a while. The betrayed partner feels an initial sting when discovering the affair, and as much as they desire to move forward and heal, the hurt of the betrayal is often longlasting. Especially if there’s no recovery plan in place.
Infidelity Causes PTSD Symptoms
Researchers and clinicians conceptualize an affair as being a traumatic event, typically for both partners. As your brain tries to make sense of what happened, why your partner did this, and what you need to do to move forward, it’s easy to get stuck. Hurt partners don’t actively want to have intrusive thoughts (or thoughts that replay actions and repeat over and over again without provocation), but these thoughts are normal and expected when infidelity has occurred.
The discovery of an affair and the succeeding revelations when making connections between past events and current circumstances contributes to the experience of Infidelity Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Despite efforts to deal with symptoms, intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, nightmares, and hypervigilance typically persist.
Impact of Intrusive Thoughts
Intrusive thoughts can show up at any time, often unannounced and super inconvenient. And thoughts are usually the first step in the downward spiral of painful emotions and distorted thoughts. Without a plan or intervention for how to deal with this rush of thoughts and feelings after a trigger occurs, the spiral usually takes people to a place of “I’m not enough”, “this will never get better” and “Nobody can be trusted.”
According to the American Psychiatric Association Website, Post-Traumatic Stress symptoms include:
distorted thinking about the cause or consequences of the trauma
blaming yourself or others
persistent fear, anger, guilt, or shame
reduced interest in formerly pleasurable activities
detachment or estrangement from others
inability to experience positive feelings
Flashbacks are Vivid
Flashbacks also reinforce your intrusive thoughts by allowing your imagination to run wild and fill in the blanks on the information you don’t know or your partner has refused to tell you. You don’t have to be present or have witnessed the incident in order to have flashbacks. In fact, most clients I’ve worked with haven’t observed the act firsthand, but their brains fill in the gaps and formulate visuals in a vivid way.
These mental images can also be from imagined scenarios, not only real stories the betrayed partner has communicated. The human brain does not like to not have all the information. I think of it like a puzzle, and even with a piece missing, our brain can see the entire picture. If we can’t find or don’t have the missing puzzle piece, our brain will make it up.
Whether real or imagined, the events that lead to intrusive thoughts and flashbacks are quite distressing and impact the healing of the relationship. Both partners typically struggle to work through these challenges in couples therapy. So what are some ways to alleviate this pain and work together to heal?
Healing and Affair Recovery, What the Unfaithful Partner Can Do To Help
Unfaithful partners can actually help with the recovery process and decrease the frequency of intrusive thoughts. Symptoms of PTSD and trauma responses are completely normal in the aftermath of infidelity, so the first thing to recognize is not to shame or stigmatize your partner. They are not purposefully experiencing these symptoms; symptoms suck for everyone. As you both heal individually and as a couple, the symptoms will naturally decrease in frequency and intensity.
Time alone will not heal all wounds, and avoidance is not the answer. It’s essential for the unfaithful partner to be a champion for healing for the relationship. In taking an active role, the hurt partner is able to regain trust and faith in their partner and take small steps forward. Resistance and defensiveness on the part of the unfaithful partner breeds resentment and further distrust that the unfaithful partner will do anything and everything to heal the relationship. Doubt is never helpful when trying to trust someone.
Expressing remorse and fully taking accountability with no excuses or deflections leads to healing and trust restoration. Being open and vulnerable with each other leads to deeper understanding, connection, and repair. PTSD symptoms will dissipate once this path is taken, and can happen quicker than you think. Especially with a well thought out plan and support from an affair recovery specialist.
My name is Erika Labuzan-Lopez, LMFT-S, LPC-S and I’m the owner of the Center for Couples Counseling. I love using a variety of techniques to help couples learn why they move into childish spaces during the conflict, how to put down those defenses for good, and what to do when you can’t access the tools you know will work to get out of conflict. I love working with couples and individuals to learn how to live in the world more relationally and engage in meaningful relationships. With over a decade of couples therapy experience, I am passionate about training and supervising therapists to become specialized in highly effective couples therapy. We see couples, individuals, and all residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule your FREE phone consultation.
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