Forgiveness in Relationships: Letting Go and Moving Forward
It doesn’t matter how good your relationship is, you will eventually find yourself in a place of needing to grant forgiveness and/or ask for forgiveness from your partner. Most people find this to be a vulnerable process and the hardest part of engaging in effective repair after conflict. Asking for forgiveness feels like admission of something you may not be ready to take responsibility for; giving forgiveness feels like granting permission to behave badly.
Most people come to couples therapy looking to get through a problem or conflict and want their therapist to help them get to a resolution. Of course, finding resolve is an important part of communication and learning how to operate within the relationship to get through hard times together, but that’s the early part of the work. A couple months in, clients realize they’ve worked on effective communication skills, but they haven’t come to a place to move forward. And that can be frustrating as hell.
Clients question why it’s so hard to trust their partner when they’ve done everything they agreed to do in therapy; the reason is often because they haven’t been able to forgive. It’s a myth that forgiveness is excusing the other person’s behavior or a simple act of pardoning mistakes; it’s a complex process which leads to meaningful healing and growth for couples (or any relationship you’re in).
To forgive another person, you have to let go of resentments, anger, and the desire for revenge. The most amazing thing about giving forgiveness is that you gain so much; you can be free from the emotional burden of past grievances, create space for understanding, empathy, and ultimately rebuilding trust.
Why is forgiveness so important to the repair process for couples?
The Impact to Relationship Satisfaction and Connection
Unresolved conflicts and the inability to forgive can create toxic dynamics in a relationship. As resentments pile up and grow and grow, the foundation of the relationship erodes and crumbles. The weight is just too heavy. It’s crucial to take the time and recognize the impact of holding onto things and withholding forgiveness-it makes most people feel bitter, angry, and/or distant from their partner. They stop trying to figure things out or voice their needs. The more cracks in the foundation, the harder it is to remain stable when the shit hits the fan.
The Ability to Heal
The wounds created by conflicts and miscommunications don’t just go away. You need a mechanism for healing, which is forgiveness. Forgiveness opens the door to rebuilding trust and fostering a new sense of connection. You may feel resistance to granting forgiveness, but it’s the catalyst for growth, vulnerability, and deep love. You can start to see your partner as a flawed human who’s able to take responsibility and make meaningful changes instead of a selfish adversary who’s only out for themselves.
Enhancing Communication Skills
In order to effectively engage in repair, your communication skills need to be top notch. To express or ask for forgiveness, you must have a space that feels safe to express feelings, concerns, and vulnerabilities. The first phase of couples therapy extensively focuses on developing skills for emotional safety between partners as well as verbiage and processes of communication. Honest and open dialogue facilitates understanding, paving the way for true forgiveness. Active listening and empathy play vital roles in the process (read this blog for more on the importance of empathy for repair). Each partner needs to feel seen, heard, and understood in order to sit in their humanity and recognize that no one is perfect.
Letting Go and Rebuilding Trust
Remember the heaviness of the resentments we talked about earlier? Yeah, you just don’t need to carry that around anymore. Dwelling on the past only perpetuates a cycle of negativity. But you can’t do it alone; in fact, the more you try to let go on your own, the worse it’ll feel when your partner unintentionally does something that upsets you. You have to work together to release your grip on the past and shape the future relationship you both really want. In order to have that great relationship, you have to be able to trust your partner. Forgiveness is an integral part of rebuilding trust and mending those painful wounds, as well as creating safety and security.
The beauty in practicing forgiveness is its propensity to make space for a shared future. It increases your relationship’s resilience and enhances your ability to solve problems and deal with the difficult situations life will inevitably throw your way. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength, vulnerability, and humanness. It’s time to let go of anything and everything that’s holding you back, causing pain, or burdening your relationship. Forgive, heal, and move forward.
My name is Erika Labuzan-Lopez, LMFT-S, LPC-S and I’m the owner at the Center for Couples Counseling. I love using a variety of techniques to help couples learn why they move into childish spaces during conflict, how to put down those defenses for good, and what to do when you can’t access the tools you know will work to get out of conflict. I love working with couples and individuals to learn how to live in the world more relationally and engage in meaningful relationships. With over a decade of couples therapy experience, I am passionate about training and supervising therapists to become specialized in highly effective couples therapy. We see couples, individuals, and all residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule your FREE phone consultation.
Start Couples Therapy in League City, TX
Are you and your partner struggling with marital issues? Looking to build a strong and secure relationship? At Center For Couples Counseling, you and your partner can learn to reconnect, create a healthy relationship, and gain support from our skilled couples therapists. To get started with couples therapy follow these three simple steps:
Contact us to schedule an appointment
Meet with one of our caring couples therapists
Begin working on your relationship and reconnect with your partner.
Other Services Offered At Center For Couples Counseling
Our team understands your relationship might be facing different challenges. So our Texas practice offers other therapies to help you face these challenges. Other services include individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!