New Beginnings: How to Truly Believe Your Partner Can Change

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. 

Or can you? 

Change in relationships can be one of the most difficult concepts to grasp, especially when past patterns of hurt, frustration, or disappointment linger. As you enter into a new year, you’ve probably been thinking about resolutions, goals, your word of the year, or what you want your life to look like. We can’t ignore that there are changes that need to happen to increase relationship satisfaction and connection, and yet you can’t make those changes alone. You have to rely on the other person to do their part, and that can be challenging. 

Couples usually come to therapy to improve their communication, learn new ways to resolve conflict, rebuild trust, and/or shift unhealthy habits. Partners are typically aligned on the types of changes that need to be made to improve the relationship, and often have awareness of what needs to be done before they ever come and sit on my couch. Even so, clients find themselves asking: Can my partner really change? And can I allow myself to believe it?

The way we show up in our relationship is formed by a foundation of family of origin issues, previous relationship experiences, individual characteristics, mental health disorders, societal norms, and current external factors. Making lasting change can be difficult, because there are layers to our behaviors, feelings, and thoughts. Plus, our behaviors (even unhealthy behaviors) are adaptive or functional in some ways, so it’s hard to give them up unless we can conceptualize and have buy-in to what we will get out of making changes. 

Yet we expect our partner to easily make the changes we want them to make, and we’re disappointed when they don’t do that quickly or perfectly. Putting the onus on the other person to change while doubting that they will is hurtful.  And, using that as an excuse to not change ourselves is a particularly interesting, and unhelpful, defense mechanism. 

The idea of change can stir up skepticism—sometimes even hopelessness. But growth is possible if you let down your guard and open up to the idea that true relational change happens if you work together as a team. With the right mindset, open dialogue, and tangible effort, you can truly believe in your partner's ability to change. 

Why Believing in Change Matters

At its core, believing in your partner’s capacity to change is about hope, connection, and shared possibility. Doubt, on the other hand, creates emotional distance. When one partner feels their efforts will never be enough or that their past mistakes will always define them, it can be paralyzing.

Choosing to believe in change:

• Fosters mutual trust and encouragement

• Reinforces emotional safety

• Creates space for growth, both individually and as a couple

This belief doesn’t mean ignoring patterns or settling for empty promises. It means holding space for the possibility of change while supporting actionable steps forward.

Step 1: Assess Your Mindset and Past Hurt

Before you can believe in your partner’s ability to change, it’s important to reflect on your own thoughts and feelings:

• Are there unresolved hurts or betrayals from the past that are clouding your perspective?

• Do you feel stuck in an “always” or “never” mindset? (e.g. They’ll never follow through, or They always let me down.)

Our brains are wired to look for evidence of past patterns; after all, trauma lives in the body. If your partner has broken promises before, it makes sense that you’d hesitate to believe this time is different. But identifying how you’ve internalized that hurt can help you begin to shift your mindset.

Step 2: Look for Evidence of Effort, Not Perfection

Believing in change doesn’t mean expecting overnight transformations. Instead, focus on recognizing your partner’s effort and growth over time. Small, consistent changes are far more sustainable than big, sweeping promises.

Signs of meaningful effort may include:

• Taking responsibility for their behavior

• Showing up differently in moments of conflict

• Following through on small commitments (e.g. better listening, sharing feelings more openly)

Step 3: Communicate Your Needs Clearly and Compassionately

Sometimes, partners may be willing to change but aren’t sure how to take the right steps. This is where clear, compassionate communication can make all the difference.

• Be specific about the changes you’d like to see (“I feel more connected when you share how you’re feeling instead of shutting down”)

• Acknowledge your partner’s effort and progress (“I really noticed how you stayed calm during that tough conversation, and I appreciate it.”)

• Share why change matters to you and the relationship (“It’s hard for me to trust fully when I don’t see follow-through. I want to believe things can get better.”)

Step 4: Support Your Partner’s Growth While Setting Boundaries

Believing in change doesn’t mean ignoring your own needs. Healthy change happens when both partners feel supported and accountable. You can encourage your partner’s growth while holding clear boundaries around what you need to feel safe, respected, and connected.

• Encourage accountability: Be willing to revisit agreements and gently check in on progress without shaming.

• Set healthy boundaries: If change isn’t happening or words don’t align with actions, calmly share how this affects you and what you need.

Boundaries aren’t ultimatums—they’re loving commitments to yourself and the relationship.

Step 5: Be Willing to Believe in the Power of Growth Together

Change is a shared journey, not a one-sided effort. While it’s important to believe your partner can change, it’s equally powerful to acknowledge that you, too, are capable of growth. Whether it’s improving how you handle disappointment, learning to trust again, or practicing forgiveness, your growth can inspire theirs.

Relationships thrive when both people are committed to learning and evolving, together.

When You Still Feel Stuck: Therapy Can Help

If you’re struggling to believe in change or past hurts feel too big to overcome alone, couples therapy can be a safe and supportive space to address these challenges.

A therapist can help you:

• Identify patterns keeping you stuck

• Learn tools for healthy communication and accountability

• Rebuild trust and hope

Change is possible, but it often requires outside guidance to navigate the road forward.

Believing your partner can change isn’t about guaranteeing a perfect outcome—it’s about embracing the process of growth, healing, and possibility. When you focus on effort, compassion, and mutual accountability, you’ll build a foundation for deeper connection and hope.

Change is a journey that’s worth believing in.

My name is Erika Labuzan-Lopez, LMFT-S, LPC-S and I’m the owner of the Center for Couples Counseling. I love using a variety of techniques to help couples learn why they move into childish spaces during the conflict, how to put down those defenses for good, and what to do when you can’t access the tools you know will work to get out of conflict. I love working with couples and individuals to learn how to live in the world more relationally and engage in meaningful relationships. With over a decade of couples therapy experience, I am passionate about training and supervising therapists to become specialized in highly effective couples therapy. We see couples, individuals, and all residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule your FREE phone consultation.

Interested in Meeting a Couples Therapist in League City, TX?

If you want to improve your relationship and reconnect with your partner, take action now and start being more curious about your relationship. At Center For Couples Counseling, one of our skilled couples therapists can help you and your partner navigate your challenges and rediscover the curiosity and passion that brought you together in the first place. Don't wait any longer to invest in the health and happiness of your relationship. To meet with a couples therapist follow these three simple steps:

1. Contact us to schedule an appointment

2. Meet with one of our skilled couples therapists

3. Begin to find the curiosity in your relationship and reconnect with your partner!

Other Services Offered at Center for Couples Counseling

At Center For Couples Counseling, our team of skilled therapists understands that your relationship may be facing different challenges. In addition to couples therapy, our Texas practice offers individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!