Stop Doing These: 4 Behaviors that Predict Divorce
Just last night, I got into a conflict with my husband. It wasn’t the most intense of fights we’ve ever had, but it definitely wasn’t how I planned to spend my evening. The good news is I do this for a living; the bad news is I do this for a living.
Being aware of our behaviors during conflict is imperative. Don’t forget to check out the other blogs in this series to learn about the rules for fair fighting, losing strategies, and managing conflict in front of the kids to help in gaining awareness of all the ways you act during conflict.
In fact, you’ll spend the first several months in couples therapy receiving direct feedback and coaching about some of the most detrimental behaviors couples use that create space, disconnection, fear, hurt, and resentment. My husband and I are highly aware of our behaviors during conflicts, and even with all our practice correcting our communication patterns, it can still be difficult when arguments occur.
The mistake I see many couples make is trying to remove all conflict. We know from research that conflict is healthy for relationships, and learning healthy conflict should be encouraged. Couples who do not learn how to argue early often have more intense and damaging effects later in their relationship because they never had the opportunity to explore these skills together. Inevitably life happens to all of us, and what will you do when the shit hits the fan and you have zero ideas of how to resolve it? It’s going to suck.
For that reason, we often ask couples who are in therapy with us to mimic/retell a fight that recently occurred (and sometimes get to observe an actual fight right there in the office) so that we can assess how they go about resolution. We keep a particular eye on 4 very specific behaviors and provide coaching and feedback regularly on those items. Why? Because research shows the behaviors are predictors of divorce with 96% accuracy.
The Gottmans have done extensive research to learn what separates couples who stay together for the long term and have good relationship satisfaction compared to couples who divorce or have low relationship satisfaction. Basically, they sat and watched couples argue for the last 40 years to gather and analyze this data; that sounds exhausting. But super beneficial in helping us learn the things couples are doing that lead to dissolution and how to change it. These behaviors are called the Four Horsemen.
Criticism
The first horseman is Criticism. Oh criticism, hello old friend. Criticism is different from voicing a specific complaint or offering critique. Criticism is an attack on your partner’s character; it tears them down at the core. It creates pain and distance as it demolishes your partner’s spirit.
Complaints are specific, such as “I need you to call me if you’re going to be late like we agreed. I worry about your safety.” On the other hand, criticism looks like “You’re so inconsiderate and selfish only thinking about what you want to do. You never pay attention to what I want.” (Again, don’t forget to check out our rules for fair fighting for reminders about using the word never!)
Everybody is critical sometimes, especially when there are underlying issues yet to be uncovered that cloud the way we present our complaints. Couples therapy is great for helping you get at the unmet need sitting right below the surface. However, criticism can also be the pathway to far worse horsemen, and a consistent pattern of criticism can be deflating overtime, destroying hope that you can work together as a team. That’s really not true, so get some control over the criticism now.
Contempt
Contempt, the second horseman, is when we’re being truly mean. It involves high levels of disrespect, mocking, sarcasm, name calling, ridicule, scoffing, and eye rolling. Contempt results in defeat and worthlessness. It’s far more intense than criticism, which is an attack on your partner’s character, as contempt involves an heir of moral superiority.
“You’re an idiot to think your life is so hard. I guess I should roll out the carpet for you and kiss your feet. I work so hard to support you and all you can do is *mocking* pay half the bills, it’s not good enough. You’re a child and pitiful.”
I wish I could say I’ve never seen couples say things like this to each other right in my office, but I’ve seen this and so much worse. Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce, and definitely something many of us witnessed from our parents. Break the cycle now, contempt must be stopped. It’s not ok.
Defensiveness
The third horseman is Defensiveness, often rearing its ugly head in response to criticism. Everyone feels defensive at times, it’s a fairly go-to response when we perceive we’re being attacked. It’s hard to take accountability or look in the mirror if we feel what’s coming at us is unjust.
But becoming defensive is completely ineffective, and often escalates the situation more. Your critical partner will only become more critical. Whether the critical partner is doing a good job at this or not, they are trying to communicate a concern, fear, need, or pain point, and our excuses feel dismissive to the message our partner is trying to send. It also shows our partners we are not willing to take accountability for our behaviors.
For example, “it looks like you forgot to pay the water bill on time, what happened with that?” “Well, I can’t be expected to remember everything. You were supposed to remind me. They didn’t even send it in the mail. Why can’t they do auto draft like everyone else. Stupid.”
Yes, let’s blame our human mistake on everyone and everything else. Or, let’s not do that. Taking responsibility is vulnerable, it’s admitting you’re not perfect and showing a side that you may not want your partner to see. In reality, showing your humanness is the absolute best thing you can do in a relationship.
Stonewalling
The fourth horseman is Stonewalling, which often occurs as a response to contempt. The listener will at some point become so shut down and withdrawn that they stop responding at all. I suspect some people may be dissociating when they stonewall. Other ways to stonewall include tuning out, staying busy, distracting, avoiding, or turning away.
The cumulative effect of the other horseman can lead to stonewalling over time, and it feels so relieving to people in the moment that the behavior gets reinforced and can become a pattern. But shutting down is also disruptive to intimacy and emotional connection between partners, plus it takes away your ability to engage in self soothing and conflict resolution. It hinders your ability to discuss things rationally or reengage in the vulnerability it takes to grow a meaningful relationship.
“I can feel I’m shutting down so I think I need a break. Let me practice some self soothing techniques for a while and we can come back in about 20 minutes.” This would be a good way to take care of yourself and deescalate the situation.
We all engage in the horsemen from time to time, these are easy patterns to fall into. And let’s face it, most of us had terrible examples of conflict management growing up. We’ve never learned how to have healthy conflict, and it shows. The good news is there are antidotes to all these behaviors, and I’ve personally taken couples from engaging in all the horsemen regularly to experiencing these on a rare occasion and getting closer in the aftermath of healthy conflict. Stay tuned for the next blog in this series where I’ll do a deeper dive into the antidotes to each of these horsemen.
Which horseman is your biggest offender? What did you see from those around you during conflict? What healthy forms of conflict have you experienced? Let us know in the comments!