The Silent Storm: Recognizing Trauma Responses in Your Relationship
Far too often, I sit down with a couple who think they have “basic” communication or intimacy issues only to discover that they are managing intense trauma responses that are absolutely affecting their day to day existence with their partner. A silent storm. These moments feel so disruptive and crippling because our core systems are responding to something in that moment that hits the big red “trauma button” we work so hard to keep safe.
We know enough about trauma to recognize that the lasting effects from a traumatic experience can easily impact someone’s emotional and psychological health. A trauma is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience that overwhelms an individual’s ability to cope. Sometimes we identify trauma in something that was there and shouldn’t have been and sometimes we identify trauma in finding that something that should have been there, wasn’t. The reality is that the traumas that affect us today may be something from our current relationship or a recent relationship, or there is a chance that something from a very long time ago, continues to have a firm grip on our wellness.
“Oh great! How am I supposed to know if my trauma is affecting how I function in my current relationship?” I LOVE that question! I love that question because identifying the lasting effects of trauma isn’t always easy. Let’s explore some symptoms that we regularly see affecting relationships; some or all of these may be present in a trauma survivor…
Trauma Symptoms You May See in Your Relationship/Partner
Trust Issues and Hypervigilance
Those that have lived through a traumatic experience often remain in a state of high-alert. These people struggle with trust and will not stop looking at their partner’s actions and intentions to find the betrayal and harm being done. Sometimes this person is the one who can hear a door open on the other side of the house…they just know there is something to look out for and they are on duty.
Detachment and Emotional Numbing
As a way to protect themselves, trauma survivors may depend on their ability to “shut down” when things are feeling too intense. Big feelings are hard and uncomfortable and in order to avoid further pain, they will disconnect from their partner on an emotional level and be unavailable. This increases feelings of loneliness which disrupts a couple’s ability to deepen their connection.
Heightened Sensitivity to Conflict
Oftentimes, trauma amplifies an individual’s sensitivity to conflict in general. This creates someone who will respond to conflict with disproportionate reactions, so they may have a big reaction to something that typically would only require a smaller and far less intense response. When we are seeing someone have a big reaction to a “small” problem, we have to wonder if they are responding to what is happening now or what has happened in their past.
Avoidance and Withdrawal
We regularly see someone’s brain decide that the easiest and most effective way to prevent further trauma is to stay far away from anything that may trigger a traumatic memory. Avoidance and withdrawal can escalate and take away from a relationship. The trauma survivor withdraws from the realms of intimacy and avoids conversation and activities with their partner, even if those conversations and activities have been joyful at one time.
Co-dependence
Trauma survivors may depend on their partner’s for emotional security and this desperate need for reassurance can feel overwhelming and exhaust their partner. This kind of co-dependence limits the growth of the relationship.
There are a variety of ways that these symptoms may play out and recognizing trauma responses in action can be an entirely different challenge. I regularly find these as reoccurring issues in our couples therapy sessions:
Frequent misunderstandings: when there is a genuine effort to connect and it just doesn’t work out.
Persistent and disruptive fear and anxiety: where the fear and anxiety seems disproportionate to the situation.
Emotional outbursts: where there are intense reactions to a small situation.
Withdrawal from intimacy: where there is a noticeable decrease in the realms of intimacy.
Patterns of control: where an attempt to feel secure in the relationship presents as controlling behavior or micro-managing.
It is always a good idea to reach out for support when addressing trauma in a relationship. Seeking professional help provides a safe space to explore vulnerability and empathy, which is a huge piece of the healing process. Practicing patience, empathy and open and honest communication allows for significant comfort and trust to build, increasing connection and desire. As we build a connection and reestablish trust within the relationship, we will explore and establish healthy and effective boundaries ensuring that healthy growth is prioritized.
The traumas affecting a relationship may be unspoken but are profoundly impactful. When we choose to recognize the silent storm and commit to navigating the turbulent waters of trauma together, we are able to emerge stronger and more united than ever.
My name is Jaimi Douthit and I’m a Licensed Professional Counselor at the Center for Couples Counseling. I love working with couples and individuals who are ready and motivated to make changes in their lives and relationships, who can handle feedback and encouragement, and engage in using the tools I teach in therapy outside of the therapy room. At the Center for Couples Counseling, we specialize in couples therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum mood and anxiety disorders, self-care and burnout, and perfectionism. We help couples and individuals in the League City and Houston areas in person, and all residents of the State of Texas online. Call us at (832) 827-3288 to schedule a free phone consultation.
Begin Couples Therapy in League City, TX
We know relationships take a lot of hard work. But your relationship is important and deserves the effort. At Center for Couples Counseling we want to help you and your partner get back on the right track. To get started with in-person or online couples therapy follow these simple steps:
Meet with one of our skilled couples therapists
Begin to see positive changes in your relationshipOther Services Offered at Center for Couples Counseling
Other Services Offered at Center for Couples Counseling
At the Center for Couples Counseling, we understand you or your relationship may be facing different challenges. To help you work on yourself and your relationship, our Texas practice offers individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety, and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!