From Eye Rolls to Eye Gazes: Repairing and Reigniting Intimacy
I won’t lie, there were times when my husband was getting on my nerves and I rolled my eyes out of frustration. I can tell myself “it’s not a big deal, a little eye roll never hurt anyone.” But the truth is, eyerolls fall under the Contempt umbrella (Contempt is one of Gottman’s Four Horsemen predictors of divorce), and the last thing I want my partner to experience is contempt from me. We’ve been together for over 20 years, and these are the small behaviors that have to be monitored and corrected if we want to last another 20 years.
In long-term relationships, it’s easy for the small irritations of daily life to build up and chip away at intimacy. The occasional eye roll, dismissive comment, or sarcastic tone can start to feel like the norm rather than the exception. These moments of disconnection don’t have to define your relationship. With intentional effort, you can repair and reignite the connection you once had, shifting from frustration to deeper intimacy.
Understanding the Eye Roll: What Does It Represent?
The eye roll—or any dismissive gesture—often signals more than just annoyance. It can reflect deeper feelings of frustration, exhaustion, or even unmet needs. When these small acts of dismissal go unaddressed, they can erode trust and intimacy over time.
If behavior is a language, what are your dismissive gestures telling your partner?
Rather than letting these moments slide, take them as an opportunity to pause and reflect.
Ask yourself:
What triggered this reaction?
Is there an underlying emotion or unmet need that I haven’t voiced?
Identifying these root causes is the first step toward turning disconnection into an opportunity for deeper understanding.
Turning Conflict into Connection
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but it doesn’t have to drive you apart. Instead, it can serve as a pathway to greater closeness when handled constructively. Start by approaching disagreements with curiosity rather than blame. Using “I” statements (“I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always…”) helps to express your emotions without putting your partner on the defensive.
Repairing after conflict is equally essential. A heartfelt apology—acknowledging your role without deflecting responsibility—can go a long way. Follow it with actions that rebuild trust, like small gestures of kindness or a meaningful conversation about how to avoid similar issues in the future. Do not downplay your behavior; even if you think it’s something small, your partner has interpreted it as something big and their pain is real. That’s what you need to attend to.
The Power of Eye Gazes: Rebuilding Emotional Intimacy
Eye contact is a simple yet profound way to foster emotional intimacy. Research shows that sustained eye contact activates the brain’s bonding mechanisms, creating a sense of closeness and understanding. In moments of reconnection, try looking into your partner’s eyes for 30 seconds without speaking. This might feel awkward at first, but it can quickly deepen your emotional connection. My husband and I still start cracking up at times when we are practicing direct eye contact, AND this exercise has led to deeper attraction, intimacy, and connection as you’re able to remember that you love this person who’s looking back at you.
You can incorporate this practice into your daily routine by making eye contact during conversations, holding each other’s gaze while sharing a laugh, or spending a few quiet moments together before bed. These small shifts can transform the way you experience each other’s presence.
Practicing Gratitude and Appreciation
When you’re caught up in daily stressors, it’s easy to overlook your partner’s positive qualities. Actively practicing gratitude can shift this dynamic. Each day, make it a point to share one thing you appreciate about your partner. It could be as simple as thanking them for making coffee or recognizing how they handled a challenging situation.
Over time, this practice creates a positive feedback loop, making both partners feel seen and valued. It also helps to counterbalance the moments of irritation or conflict that are a natural part of any relationship.
Reigniting Physical Intimacy
Physical intimacy is often one of the first areas to suffer when emotional disconnection sets in. However, it’s also a powerful way to rebuild closeness. Start with non-sexual touch, like holding hands, hugging, or sitting close during a movie. These small gestures can create a sense of safety and trust, paving the way for deeper physical connection.
Esther Perel, renowned couples therapist and author, emphasizes that eroticism thrives on novelty, mystery, and play. According to her model, a sense of individuality and curiosity about your partner—even after years together—is key to keeping passion alive. Experiment with new ways of connecting physically and emotionally, such as exploring a shared fantasy, planning an unexpected romantic evening, or simply asking your partner what brings them joy.
Creating Rituals for Reconnection
Reconnection doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. Simple, meaningful rituals can help keep your bond strong. Consider establishing a weekly check-in where you share highlights and challenges from the week, cooking a meal together without distractions, or designating one evening as a technology-free date night.
These rituals provide opportunities to slow down and focus on each other, reinforcing your connection amidst the chaos of daily life.
Relationships require ongoing effort, but the rewards of deep emotional and physical intimacy are well worth it. By addressing disconnection with intention, practicing gratitude, and embracing Esther Perel’s insights on eroticism, you can transform moments of frustration into opportunities for growth. Start small—whether it’s a heartfelt apology, a 30-second gaze, or a shared laugh—and watch how these everyday acts of love reignite the romance in your relationship.
My name is Erika Labuzan-Lopez, LMFT-S, LPC-S and I’m the owner of the Center for Couples Counseling. I love using a variety of techniques to help couples learn why they move into childish spaces during the conflict, how to put down those defenses for good, and what to do when you can’t access the tools you know will work to get out of conflict. I love working with couples and individuals to learn how to live in the world more relationally and engage in meaningful relationships. With over a decade of couples therapy experience, I am passionate about training and supervising therapists to become specialized in highly effective couples therapy. We see couples, individuals, and all residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule your FREE phone consultation.
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