Ditch Double-Negatives: Gift Your Partner Affirmative Language
As we've mentioned in our previous blogs, the holidays can bring a bundle of mixed emotions. Pressures rise from so many parties!, family tensions and obligations, financial concerns, gift anxiety, religious trauma, and figuring out the best way to wrap all of your worries with a nice little socially acceptable bow.
Especially during these times, the language we use to frame, offer support, and plan is so powerful. In my sessions, my attention has increasingly been on how someone speaks to their partner about their enthusiasm or a proposed change, and how double-negatives deflate or derail their progress.
What is a Double-Negative?
Double negative is the use of two negative words or phrases in the same sentence. While occasionally aptly used for comedic effect, they're often used as a judgment, directive, or request. I'll give examples. After each one, pause, and notice what happens in your body. At the end, I'll give positive ways to phrase these.
EX: Stop shutting down.
EX: It’s not like I’m cheating on you.
EX: Don't forget your homework.
EX: They're never not nagging.
EX: That's not a bad idea.
Think of our own double-negative that you use or hear frequently. Write it down, say it out loud, and notice how your body and heart responds.
I'm going to get nerdy for a bit, so get comfy while I push up my glasses.
There is a concept called Neuro Linguistic Programming, or NLP, if you're into acronyms. Essentially, the concept is about how our brains process words in ways that have a direct influence on our behavior. It's one of the core tenets of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, which is one of the most robustly studied and supported therapeutic approaches. It is particularly beneficial for people who are building self-assessment and awareness skills toward a goal such as increasing self-worth, healing body-image, or showing up more fully present and participatory in relationships.
Okay, so we know what these acronyms are and what they're for, now how do we apply them?
A while back, I wrote an article called Called Cut the But, on a similar topic of discussing the powerful effect omitting one small word can have on our nervous systems. Essentially, "but" negates what came before, and diminishes a sense of teamwork, especially if you start your response with it.
No but's, no problem! That's one simple, not always easy, tool to apply. Double-negatives are often more subtle and pervasive in the effect they have. They are used so often, we might not readily notice them or their effect on our bodies or mood.
I have a partner who was upset with me about a lack of communication on a big, life-decision topic. Several times while discussing it, this partner said, "I'm not going to break up with you."
As soon as I heard this, my nervous system went on high alert. I felt my body tense, I felt confused and anxious. I know, logically, they were trying to reassure me. Here's the nerdy reason why it didn't.
Our brains process the subject of a sentence before the negation. Negation is the expression of the opposite or denial of something, such as "not", "no", "never", or "none". Based on the timing of how our brains interpret these words being slower than the subject or action, they mitigate rather than invert meaning. And mitigation, or lessening, causes confusion and opens up other possibilities for an anxiety spiral. So, lessening "breaking up with me" still has it on the table as an option in my mind. Telling me what you're not going to do doesn't give me clarity on what you are going to do.
Obviously, logically, I know my partner could end our relationship at any time if they thought it was best. Them bringing it up over a misunderstanding makes that possibility feel more real and tangible and puts me on edge.
This is why we propose having language agreements with our partners; such as not threatening to break up, divorce, etc. during conflict. That might be what our fed-up, hurt, or pissed off self wants in that moment. The majority of the time, that's not what we actually want once we've cooled off. Yet, we've mentioned it so many times that now we're both on edge, concerned that any conflict will be the end.
Negative words increase Implicit Processing (IMP). Basically, negative words release stress and anxiety-inducing hormones. They are also ammunition for our inner bullies. They become a t-shirt cannon of negative self-talk. According to neuroscientist experts, “a single word has the power to influence the expression of genes that regulate physical and emotional stress.”
Resource:
Words Can Change Your Brain - Dr. Andrew Newberg & Mark Robert Waldman
So, what words are better to use?
EX: Please look at me when you’re talking with me.
EX: Being faithful to you is important to me.
EX: Remember your homework.
EX: They're learning new ways to encourage.
EX: That's a great idea!
Now, refer back to your double-negative phrase, and think of a positive, affirmative way to phrase it. What would sound more encouraging, enrolling, exciting? Write that down, say it out loud, and notice how your body and heart responds.
Practicing this skill will help your kids remember things, your partner feel more believed in, and yourself feel more hopeful. If you want to learn other ways you can be mindful in how you’re expressing with your loved ones, we’re here to help!
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am an LGBTQ+ person and professional passionate about helping couples and individuals find empowerment in their lives and relationships. If you’re looking to grow with new tools and humor, call (832) 827-3288 to set up your free phone consultation. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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