6 Tools for Regulating Emotions During Relationship Disagreements: Emotional Equilibrium
We’ve all been there. You are mid-fight with your partner and feeling that rush of energy and emotion tear through your body and things escalate. You both get louder and angrier because you just know that’s what will help them really hear you! You know it doesn’t have to get heated but it actually feels good, sometimes, to get loud and angry and feel that BIG feeling. It helps drain the energy and provides relief, that's for sure… and then you’re left with hurt feelings and regret. Total bummer.
Escalating arguments and engaging in your conflict cycle doesn’t solve the problem. In fact, it means now you have to spend time processing and recovering from the damage this fight has caused and the impact on your relationship.
I love to support my couples counseling clients with learning how to emotionally regulate during a time of increased stress… like an argument with your partner. Typically, my clients don’t intentionally just not use tools they have laying around - they need to utilize tools that haven’t been provided. We can’t learn to emotionally regulate if nobody helps us learn how to!
6 Tools No One Taught You to Regulate Emotions
So let’s start from scratch-no problem! Let me share some of my favorite ways to emotionally regulate during a disagreement within my relationship.
Deep breathing: I know - I get it! If you decide taking a deep breath isn’t going to work for you, then it won’t. Give it an actual chance! Stop and take a deep breath with your shoulders back, breathing deep with your chest and belly filling up. Breath-work can help regulate your heart rate and gives you a chance to think about what to do or say next. Feel your body relax.
Speak in “I statements”: “I feel hurt when you…” instead of “You always make me feel…” which is typically received as an attack. If partners agree to approach things as a team then this becomes a problem to solve together with compassion and accountability, not a moment to be right.
Utilize active listening: Far too often people are busy thinking about what they are going to say next instead of listening to the person they are speaking to. We make assumptions instead of just stopping and actually hearing each other. A great way to do this is to repeat what you heard using, “What I am hearing you say is…” which allows your partner to step in and confirm if you heard them correctly or there’s a need to explain further. If you sit and allow an assumption to build until you’ve created a whole story in your head, you end up doing damage. Active listening gives you a chance to act with compassion and empathy.
Being mindful: Relationships aren’t all rainbows and sunshine so staying in a mindful place is helpful and allows you to communicate and problem solve with intentionality. Being mindful gives people a chance to prevent issues from escalating as well as providing support during an active argument. You can intentionally regulate using the other tools on this list! Sometimes being mindful is keeping the thought, “I am trying to do better” or “I am actively breaking a cycle” front and center for motivation!
Take a “time out”: Giving yourself a second to step back and sit with what is happening is often a significant help for people when trying to regulate their emotions. I always recommend utilizing this time for some self-care; sometimes clients utilize this time to write out what they are feeling and processing in a journal or to go privately take their deep breaths and pull together what they need to communicate. It will be unique to you and a great time to practice your self-compassion.
Expressing gratitude: It’s easier to prevent conflict spirals and de-escalate arguments by honestly showing gratitude for the things your partner does and who they are. When I am flooding my brain with the positive things about my partner and all the things about them I am grateful for, it is far more difficult for me to feel as stuck in that big anger.
Regulating emotions during relationship disagreements doesn’t come naturally to many people, if any at all. It’s okay to want to do better in this realm, which is simple but not always easy. I love openly communicating about the goal of emotional regulation because it allows for gratitude and compassion for your partner and you can team up to make it happen. Learning how to effectively regulate during times of increased stress takes practice and giving space for each other to be human goes a long way on that journey!
My name is Jaimi Douthit and I’m a Licensed Professional Counselor at the Center for Couples Counseling. I love working with couples and individuals who are ready and motivated to make changes in their lives and relationships, who can handle feedback and encouragement, and engage in using the tools I teach in therapy outside of the therapy room. At the Center for Couples Counseling, we specialize in couples therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum mood and anxiety disorders, self-care and burnout, and perfectionism. We help couples and individuals in the League City and Houston areas in person, and all residents of the State of Texas online. Call us at (832) 827-3288 to schedule a free phone consultation.
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