Resolve to Cut the "But"
In this season of New Year's Resolutions, if I were to give pithy relationship advice, one of the simplest, most relevant, and productive pieces I would impart is: Cut the "but."
I am constantly amazed how many relationships teeter on the existence of this three letter word.
“I was going to be on time, but...”
“I don't mean to interrupt, but...”
“I'm sorry, but...”
Almost always followed by an excuse, contradictory action, or complaint.
"... people were driving so slow!"
*interrupts anyway*
"... I'm only acting this way because you're so cold."
This conjunction cancels out all that came before. It's partial ownership. Often more frustrating than not addressing the behavior at all.
"But" shifts blame, externalizes, makes us the victim, and energetically disempowers the speaker and the listener.
"But" is the Godfather of an external locus of control and responsibility; feeling that one is merely affected by the world with no power to change it or one's actions. It sucks the wind out of the sails of teamwork, positive growth, and is just a bummer. It's a defense. And a lame one at that. It also exists in a binary. Either/or; rather than the dynamic, multifaceted world in which we relate.
Using “and” is often more accurate and holistic. “I know you apologized but I’m not ready to be affectionate yet” could just as easily be “I know you apologized and I’m not ready to be affectionate yet.” It's yes, and... it's both.
The acknowledgement and the feelings exist as parts of the whole.
It's natural to have mixed feelings. It's possible and even likely that you are totally justified in your explanation. There really was an accident and that's why you're late. What I have little patience for, and I see this time and again in my clients, is a pattern of behavior being acknowledged followed by a "but."
"I know I yelled and called you names again, but... I had a really hard day, you were pushing my buttons, it's my defense mechanism..." Defense against what? Well, all the things the other person is doing wrong, of course.
"I know you don't like it when I drink, but... I like the taste, I don't want to be the only one not drinking, what else is there to do?"
I could go on.
Accountability is an essential part of repair. Timely and skillful repair is necessary for a thriving relationship. Skillful repair uses "and" energy, empathy, and sincerity. What clients say beforehand might be completely sincere and as soon as they say the word “but,” I see their partner’s face fall, shoulders slump; hope whooshing away.
Or, on the other end of the spectrum, defensiveness is met with more defensiveness. “Oh, I’m cold? Well, you’re a child throwing a tantrum!” Something’s got to give. Someone’s got to own their part.
Accountability looks like:
“I was late. I value your time and my actions haven't reflected that.”
“I'm going to interrupt now...”
“I yelled at you and called you names. If someone called me that, I would feel hurt. I'm sorry.”
Do your best to own the nugget of responsibility you feel... Full stop. How disarming it will be for the offended party. What a sigh of relief. What a wind in the sail of forgiveness.
Something I believe and remind myself of when I get into perfectionism and defensiveness is: fallibility is sexy!
When someone owns a mistake, they show self-awareness and reflection, a willingness to learn and grow and be a flawed human, which gives me more permission to be a flawed human too. As a leader, therapist, and partner I experience the power of being wrong and the opportunity it gives me to learn about myself and the other person.
As you practice this, it will become easier to take accountability. You'll go from omitting the word to eventually omitting the energy lurking behind it. Wanting to defend, wanting to blame. Why will that energy eventually fade? Because you’ll experience the reward of your partner’s trust and the relief of being perfectly imperfect together.