Coping with Family Stress During the Holidays
Starting to talk about the holidays with your spouse? Sometimes it can feel like you have to manage so many different possibilities surrounding these events. I’ve spent this week talking to my clients about the holidays, their plans, and the inevitable feelings that get activated. Couples therapy is always interesting at this time of the year!
The holidays can bring up a range of emotions. When you were young, it could have looked like an exciting time full of joy and rekindling with cousins. The older you get, you realize how incredibly difficult it can be putting together different personalities and maybe undiagnosed mental health states, ha! I know you get that.
Whether it be from your alcoholic uncle that always brings inappropriate conversations to the dinner table or a sibling that refuses to watch their own child at others peoples expense, it’s always a fun surprise! Okay, maybe anxiety ridden and full of all kinds of possibilities, but you get my point. Use the below tools to help the holiday go way smoother.
Pre-game it!
Talk to your partner about what you're okay with and what you're not. The night before getting together with family for the holidays, discuss with your partner what you are prepared to take on (check out this blog for more strategies to deal with tension at the holidays). It is understandable that your partner may want to defend you or take control of a situation that seems unhealthy, but let them know what you feel secure in dealing with. Sometimes that looks like a code word or signal (read more here) that let’s your partner know it's time to leave. I find that most of the time, just having this understanding makes you feel more confident about attending.
Realistic expectations
Guess what? Your annoying family member that continuously gives unsolicited advice about your weight or relationship status is still going to show their lovely face. For some magical reason, these people never get the common sickness going around or miss due to a prior commitment. It may not feel like they deserve this, but maybe one day a year, we give them a bit of grace and walk away to a more enjoyable family member. By the way, grace isn’t for every situation, but I can say that often, these people do care about you, they just haven't broken cycles from what they have experienced growing up. Also, some people have bad social anxiety and say inappropriate things when they feel awkward or out of place.
Beautiful distractions
When I get overwhelmed by a strong personality at a family event, I find the new babies or the children. I can leave a situation quickly by saying, oh no! I need to go check on “enter here new baby name”. Or maybe it looks like me playing a card game with my niece and nephews. Regardless, I’m not letting someone ruin the time I get with my family as a whole.
While many of us have stories about the family members we need to prepare to spend time with, there’s also so much to look forward to about spending time with people we love. My hope is that these strategies will help you and your partner find more peace, calm, and humor in dealing with the people who used to bring you stress. I personally love to turn something agitating into something funny, play a guessing game with my partner to see how many times Aunt Sally will make a passive aggressive comment, and learn to laugh at family dynamics. We have choices about how to spend our time, and if we’re going to family gatherings we can choose to make the best of it. Here’s to everyone having a stress free holiday week!