The Impact of Childhood Experiences on Trust in Adult Relationships
In my world, I can imagine the range of human emotions swirling inside you that have been ignored, pushed down, un-labeled for so long, as if they don’t exist.
I have the opportunity to work with you to soften and experience a fuller range of emotions over time and through connecting experiences with your partner.
You might have grown into an adult who is fiercely independent and capable. You either don’t consciously notice things that bother you until something clicks and then you’re REALLY bothered, or you do notice little things and you bottle them up again and again until one thing happens, and you explode. Like a volcano, you’ve been dormant for a while, it takes a lot of build-up to erupt, and when you do it takes a while to cool off.
You might be very selective choosing friends and are loyal to the ones you have, yet minimal emotional content is shared amongst you. When you have a friend or partner who tries to spend more time or keeps bringing up a concern, you might put them off by ignoring, physically leaving the room, minimizing, or shutting down.
You are Blue.
You are careful about who you trust and tend to be slower in being vulnerable, often framing it as weakness or an easy way to be exploited. Or simply… what’s the point? I’m fine. Trust for you usually needs to be earned and once lost takes a loooong time to gain back if you decide to offer that chance.
You have a much higher trust in yourself than in others.
On the other end of the spectrum, if your caregiver was a “helicopter parent,” over-protective, highly emotional, you might have learned you needed to have big reactions to get their attention. Or you went the other route and made yourself small because their emotions and stress took up all the space and you didn’t want to be a burden.
As an infant you might have been fussy, felt distressed when they weren’t physically close, and were very aware of your environment and the moods of others. Your caregivers could have been very touchy and affectionate, maybe overly so. Or maybe they weren’t very affectionate, and you deeply craved touch and proximity. You may have also developed big feelings, cried often, and shared freely yet self-consciously with the right people. Perhaps you developed people-pleasing tendencies to stay in good graces, yet often feel let down and unseen by others. As you’ve aged in your relationships, you have been described as “needy, hysterical, over-reactive,” etc. This is especially likely if you are partnered with someone who leans Bluer.
You have SO many emotions happening all at once that it’s a jumbled soup and no one has been able to help you untangle your feelings and validate any of them because they tend to spill out, often all over others. For you, emotional reactions are more like small geysers. You have multiple little eruptions that cool off quickly and you’ll feel relatively calm after, but not for long.
In our work together, I help you learn to slow down, get present with your body, differentiate your emotions, and discern which ones to share and when.
You are Red.
You really WANT to trust others and might be quick to. You might also be quick to feel betrayed and make accusations, while desperately hoping the other person doesn’t leave you.
You trust others more than you trust yourself.
Then, there’s Purple or Disorganized, which accounts for the highest percentage within “insecure” styles. Often, you grew up with two caregivers who had very different attachment and parenting styles, moved around a lot and/or had split homes, and you possibly witnessed or experienced some form of abuse.
When you were an infant, you didn’t always feel safe in your body or certain spaces. You likely sought closeness then pulled away abruptly because something felt off. When you were a bit older, you might have lashed out one moment, then cracked a joke and tried to win someone over the next. You often didn’t share a lot of your inner world because, on the rare instances you did, no one cared or validated your experiences, or you got wildly different perspectives.
You are purple.
Adults with Purple or Disorganized attachment exhibit a combination of red and blue tendencies. At first, you might rush into a relationship, while carrying a fear of abandonment. So, you often push people away when they get too close, or not close on your terms, before the other person can leave or disappoint you. This is the clinical and very human explanation for someone being “hot and cold.”
* On the theme of trust, it's important to note that in the context above “hot and cold” is more of a way of being and not situational, such as the reaction to a major betrayal, in which case it is common for the betrayed person to really miss you while being mad as hell.
In working with you, I would help you identify triggers and patterns and learn tools for regulation and communicating your needs.
You don’t fully trust yourself OR others.
You are green.
Lastly, I’ll share about “Secure” or Green attachment.
As babies, you had relatively short time between expressing a need (cooing, crying, reaching out, etc.) and a caregiver attempting to figure out what you needed and providing it. There was a good amount of eye contact, touch, collaborative play, limited accidents, and adequate apologies. This was done imperfectly, yet more consistently than not.
Essentially, you grew up with emotionally supportive, validating, and relatively affectionate parents, in a household where conflict was had openly and resolved with words. You might have lived in one place for a while and/or adjusted easily to changes.
You grew into an adult with relatively healthy self-esteem, who trusts fairly openly. You have an ease about you and are generally optimistic.
If you are Green and you are partnered with any of the other attachment styles, you might occasionally feel overwhelmed or baffled by their behavior. However, with the right knowledge and tools, you are in a place of privilege to support your partner in growing more secure.
You trust yourself AND you trust others.
If the very people who were supposed to take care of you didn’t listen, left, harmed you, blamed another caregiver, never or rarely apologized, or apologized and then did it all again, of course you grew up struggling to trust others, yourself, or both.
Learning attachment theory helped me have more compassion for loved ones’ behavior. I realized they weren’t choosing to be untrusting, reactive, aloof... By viewing their reactions as less about my personal failings or feeling misunderstood and more about insecurities stemming from attachment wounds, I’m able to hear my partner’s emotions more fully.
Working toward secure attachment is one of the bravest and most profound things we can do for ourselves and our relationships. Zooming out and identifying these patterns empowers me and my clients to understand and repair conflict around differing attachment styles. If that’s showing up for you and your partner, I’m here to help you heal and rebuild trust.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am passionate about helping couples and individuals pause, evaluate, set goals, and heal. To set up your free phone consultation so we can determine fit, call (832) 827-3288. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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