The Power of Pause: How Taking a Break Can Transform Relationship Conflicts
One of my biggest downfalls as a partner is my resistance to taking a break in the midst of conflict. It’s a losing strategy for sure; my need to resolve the issue right here and now has literally never worked. I help couples for a living, I know the skills and tools, I directly witness the effectiveness of using them, and still it’s hard to break out of my pursuing tendencies long enough to pause. But when I’ve done the hard work to regulate myself and recognize that most of my reactions are a result of my own issues, taking that break is so much easier and it actually works. Believe me, there’s immense power in the pause.
Most of my couples therapy clients initially start working with me because they feel stuck in a pattern of unresolved conflict. They use all the destructive behaviors, break the rules to fair fighting, get nothing productive out of it, are exhausted from having the same fight over and over again, and end up feeling resentful of each other and the relationship. The modern world is fast-paced, and our brains have not caught up with how to operate relationally in this ever changing world. For me, the way to combat complexity is with simplicity. What’s the easiest path to making a change in how this cycle plays out?
The Power of Pause: A Shortcut to Resolving Conflict
I’ll remind you here that simple is not always easy. The power of the pause is simple: it’s a strategy that harnesses the strength of stepping back and taking a breather in the midst of heated moments. Breathing is simple, remembering to breathe is not easy. And the more escalated and indignant people become, the more they dig in their heels. The pace of the fight is accelerated, and basically the whole thing is out of control. There are very few people who find this to be easy or natural, but the good news is that anyone can develop this skill with practice and intention.
At first glance, the idea of taking a break during a disagreement might seem counterintuitive as a lot of people prefer to resolve conflicts as quickly as possible. While addressing issues promptly is important, judgment and critical thinking are impaired when emotions are high, leading to unproductive fights. The adaptive child comes out big time!
It can feel damn near impossible to give up the destructive behaviors coming from your adaptive child in the midst of conflict, but it’s equally hard to hold onto them during a pause. By stepping away from a situation for a short period of time, both partners have the opportunity to cool down and gain perspective before engaging in further discussion.
Couples often lead busy and demanding lives, so finding moments of pause can be challenging but essential. Whether it's a hectic work schedule, managing household responsibilities, or caring for children, carving out time for reflection and self-care is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship. The power of pause encourages couples to prioritize their well-being and emotional health, recognizing that a momentary break can prevent conflicts from escalating and allow for more effective communication in the long run.
Tips for How to Take a Break During Conflict
So, how exactly can you incorporate the power of pause into your relationship? Here are some practical tips to get started:
Recognize the Signs
Pay attention to your body and emotions during disagreements. If you notice tension rising or feelings of frustration escalating, it might be time to take a break.
Agree on a Signal
Establish a signal or code word with your partner that indicates when one of you needs a pause. This could be as simple as raising a hand or saying a predetermined phrase like "time out."
Take Time to Reflect
Use the pause to reflect on your own feelings and thoughts about the conflict. What are your underlying emotions? What do you need from your partner to resolve the issue?
Practice Self-Soothing
Engage in activities that help you calm down and regain perspective. Whether it's deep breathing, going for a walk, or listening to music, find what works best for you.
Return with Openness
Once both partners have had a chance to pause and collect their thoughts, reconvene with an open mind and heart. Approach the discussion with curiosity and a willingness to understand each other's perspectives. Don’t discount the importance of this step; skipping it and never returning to the original issue leads to distrust.
By incorporating the power of pause into your relationship, you can transform the way you approach conflict and deepen your connection with your partner. Instead of flying off the handle and reacting impulsively, you can cultivate a sense of mindfulness and intentionality in your interactions. Over time and with lots of chances to practice, you’ll notice what comes up in your body as you’re about to say something you’ll regret. Maybe you’ll find your shoulders so tense that they’re touching your ears. Perhaps your breath becomes rapid and short. However your body responds, it’s essential to pay attention and then stop and breathe.
People often say they can’t pause or disengage from conflict. Couples in my office comment that they find themselves in repetitive conflict cycles, but the truth is we don’t “find ourselves” in any behaviors. Although it takes active work, we can always choose to change our behavior. And making that choice to respond differently and in a way that honors your partner, yourself, and the relationship is the key to making space for vulnerable connection.
As you make room to think and reflect while taking a break, you can come back to your partner and acknowledge your part in the fight as well as share your fears and concerns in a compassionate way. Openness is what leads to intimacy, and deep connection is what transforms your relationship from conflict ridden base level arguments to open meaningful discussions which change the way you see your partner. And when your partner gets you and you get them, that’s where the real magic happens.
My name is Erika Labuzan-Lopez, LMFT-S, LPC-S and I’m the owner of the Center for Couples Counseling. I love using a variety of techniques to help couples learn why they move into childish spaces during the conflict, how to put down those defenses for good, and what to do when you can’t access the tools you know will work to get out of conflict. I love working with couples and individuals to learn how to live in the world more relationally and engage in meaningful relationships. With over a decade of couples therapy experience, I am passionate about training and supervising therapists to become specialized in highly effective couples therapy. We see couples, individuals, and all residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule your FREE phone consultation.
Interested in Meeting a Couples Therapist in League City, TX?
If you want to improve your relationship and reconnect with your partner, take action now and start being more curious about your relationship. At Center For Couples Counseling, one of our skilled couples therapists can help you and your partner navigate your challenges and rediscover the curiosity and passion that brought you together in the first place. Don't wait any longer to invest in the health and happiness of your relationship. To meet with a couples therapist follow these three simple steps:
Contact us to schedule an appointment
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Other Services Offered at Center for Couples Counseling
At Center For Couples Counseling, our team of skilled therapists understands that your relationship may be facing different challenges. In addition to couples therapy, our Texas practice offers individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!