Consent is Sexy & FRIES are Yummy! Principles and Practices for Explicitly Engaging
Have you ever had an intimate exchange that felt off? Maybe your mind was stuck on your to-do list? Maybe it happened at an awkward time. Maybe they touched you in a place or way that didn’t feel good. Maybe you were too shy to ask for lube or a toy. Maybe you thought they would get upset if you had planned on it and changed your mind. Maybe you told yourself it’s been too long.
Let’s talk about taking the ‘O’ out of sex. Not THAT ‘O!’ I hope you have plenty of those. I’m talking about obligation.
Too often, people grow up learning little about consent. Often, they were taught, implicitly or explicitly, that there are certain expectations within romantic, sexual roles. Too many were violated in ways that disempowered their autonomy, body, and voice.
One of the silver linings of having Type 1 Diabetes since I was three is that I HAD to learn how to advocate for my body. I’ve done that successfully with medical professionals, bosses, and partners. I’ve only truly learned the nuances of consent within the past decade. This is why I’m so passionate about educating people on consent. Bodily sovereignty is sacred.
How do you talk about consent with your partner?
You might have heard the phrase ‘Enthusiastic Consent.’ Enthusiasm is great, AND it’s only one aspect of consent. It’s an easier one to point to because it often relies on non-verbal, subjective communication rather than verbally negotiating what would feel good for both people. That’s a taller order and many never learned how to do it. Let’s review all five aspects of consent. They’re as yummy as FRIES:
F – Freely Given
Acting from genuine desire without concern or fear of negative repercussions if one does not engage. Some negative repercussions could be: be an internal story of being judged, actually being called a “prude, cold, frigid, boring,” etc., fear of verbal or physical aggression or violence, a power imbalance due to being an employee and fearing being fired, etc. Nothing, especially sharing our bodies, should happen under duress.
EX: “I would like to give you a massage.”
R – Reversible
You can, at ANY point, absolutely change your mind about something you do with your body. There’s often a slippery slope mentality that if we agree to a certain act that we can’t change our minds. This could be self-consistency bias. Again, this could be a fear of being judged. If you receive someone changing their mind, say “thank you for letting me know.”
EX: “I told you I would give you a massage tonight. I’m too tired. I will let you know when I’m ready to offer it again.”
I – Informed
Shared understanding of the big picture context. The who, what, where, when, why, and how before, during, and after engaging. This is a space to share what engaging would mean to each of you, who might be affected, discussing safety measures, etc.
EX: “I’d like to give you the massage after the kids have gone to bed so there are no distractions. I want to massage you to show my appreciation for your hard work this week. I think our bed would be the best place. I want to keep it sensual, not sexual.”
E – Enthusiastic
Only “yes” means “yes.” This is listening to and honoring your own body’s wisdom. Your body will let you know what you’re open to, what feels edgy yet exciting, and what’s a hard limit. You can show this with eye contact, tone, and body language. If you’re a ‘maybe,’ pause to consider if you need to stop engaging entirely or only stop a specific action.
The absence of ‘no’ is NOT a ‘yes.’
EX: *Makes eye contact, raises an eyebrow, and rubs hands together* “I’m excited to rub on you tonight! I haven’t given a massage in a while, so my belly feels a little fluttery. I’ll tell you what I’m enjoying about touching you. Verbal encouragement would be appreciated.”
S – Specific
Be explicit in what you desire and any boundaries. Share where and how you want to touch or be touched. Discuss where and how you absolutely do not want to touch or be touched.
EX: “I’m going to ask you to lie on your belly. I’m going to use almond oil on your back, shoulders, and legs. I’m going to use my hands, forearms, and elbows with medium pressure. I’d like you to ask me if you want more pressure in certain areas. Is there anywhere you do not want to be touched?”
As you’re practicing applying these concepts, start with something low-charge and unrelated to sex. Start with negotiating a meal or planning a date.
Another phrase I use to practice informed consent that I find very yummy is “for my pleasure.” This explicitly lets the other person know the motivation for the request or suggestion. Sometimes we try to avoid the vulnerability of making a request and shroud our own desires by asking the other person if they want to engage in something. Instead of vague or leading questions like, “Do you want to take a bath?” and I’m left questioning if they think I smell or if THEY want a bath, my partner said, “Would you join me in the bath for my pleasure,” I would more likely be a fuck yes to that!
If you do try something new in the bedroom, it’s best practice, and really HOT to talk about it beforehand. We’re all human and get excited. I’ve found something thrilling with one person I had been totally turned off by before or with others. Proactively discuss if you’re going to escalate to a new sex act, changing safety measures, adding a new person, etc. while everyone involved is sober so any and all parties can come to mutual agreements.
Lastly, my philosophy is that being a ‘no’ to something is being a ‘yes’ to something else, being a ‘yes’ to yourself and your values. Check your motivation. Practicing consent isn’t about trying to get the other person to SAY yes, it’s about genuinely respecting their yeses and no’s. If you receive a “no” from your partner, do your best to differentiate the act or request from yourself. They might be a ‘no’ to that thing and not to you. When they tell you “no,” practice saying, “thank you.” Their ‘no’ is a gift that helps you trust their ‘yeses’ even more. This empowers them to lean into making specific counteroffers, expressing enthusiasm, and feeling accepted if they change their mind. All of those things lead to HOTTER sex.
So, share your FRIES and dip into consent! And if you need help practicing, I’m here to help.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am passionate about helping couples and individuals pause, evaluate, set goals, and heal. To set up your free phone consultation so we can determine fit, call (832) 827-3288. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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