Resolving Conflict In Front of Children
“How was conflict handled in your household?” is an intentionally broad question I ask during individual sessions, and often answered in one of two ways. Either: “Well, I could tell there was tension, and I would occasionally hear muffled arguing behind closed doors” or “Oh, they would all out scream and/or throw things in front of me. One of them might storm out and leave for the night and I wasn’t sure they would come back.” And my next question, because it often goes unanswered unless I ask, is “And how was conflict resolved?” This is usually followed by a pause, a pulling back of the head or an uprightness, and then… “I don’t know. I never really saw any resolution…” Either “they would warm up over a few days” or “they would just start being cuddly again shortly after.”
Every time I hear this, I’m reminded of aspects of my own childhood, and I feel sad. I feel so much compassion for these people seeking help. Of course they don’t know how to navigate conflict in their own relationships. They only ever saw, or felt, the first part but never the resolution. They only ever saw the spilled milk but never anyone owning who spilt it or cleaning it up. And sometimes, if you were like me, you would take it upon yourself to try to clean it up. Often, we perpetuate, consciously or unconsciously, the same tendencies as one or both of our parents. If your parents argued behind closed doors and/or bottled it all in and didn’t say anything until it all erupted at once, you likely engage in the same patterns. You may have observed your parents raising their voices and making a big scene as the only way to get attention but also expect that they will make up quickly. Do you find yourself repeating the things you saw growing up?
Now, imagine a combination of people who learned each tendency, which is as common and problematic a combo as chocolate and peanut butter. One partner avoids conflict, never learned how to talk about their feelings, and only expresses emotions through anger or frustration when they’ve reached their limit. The other partner generalizes little things in a big way and gets further flustered when their partner won’t engage or dismisses their views or feelings. Then what?
Then, they often think they’re inherently incompatible or believe they are compatible enough to seek our services at Center for Couples Counseling.
Here’s the thing. We can learn new ways of navigating conflict. Practical steps will be outlined in other blogs in this series such as: Fair Fighting Rules, Losing Strategies that are keeping you stuck, Self-regulation strategies, and a verbal step by step process of having difficult conversations. Join our newsletter to get the blogs as they’re released.
A brief primer/refresh:
Fair fighting rules include not: name calling, blaming, talking over, vague complaints, generalizing using “always or never,” compounding various issues, character bashing, etc.
Self-regulation: in this instance means taking a break to cool off. Usually, at least 15 minutes is recommended. This can include going for a walk, writing down thoughts, or playing a game on your phone.
The verbal conflict resolution process is called Withholds and uses checking in on timing, naming how you’re feeling based on a specific action using “I statements,” imagining and empathizing with their likely motivations, making a specific request of how to handle things in the future, and receiving impacts from the person with whom you’re sharing.
For potential conflict, I’m going to give an example of a family road trip, where tensions can often run high and you’re trapped in a confined space.
EX: Your child(ren), niece or nephew, or parent(s) might be in the back, asking to pee every hour or how long until you arrive. Asking to change the music. Asking for snacks. One partner is driving and the other is navigating. The navigator misses an update and the correct exit is missed. The driver gets annoyed and turns to get onto the partner right when traffic suddenly slows down and they have to slam on their brakes. Everyone lurches forward but are safe. Their bodies sure don’t think so. Hearts are racing. Then, the blame game. “Is everyone okay?! Watch the road! You’re going to get us all killed!” “Well, if you had told me to take that last exit, I would’ve been watching the road! I don’t know why I let you navigate. You never read them right.”
Sound familiar? Hopefully, once you have learned and integrated techniques we’ll discuss in other blogs, the blame game will eventually become the ownership game. The focus will change.
“Is everyone okay? I got scared. My heart is pounding!” “Yeah, me too. I got distracted by the directions and I should’ve been keeping my eyes on the road.” “I imagine you’re anxious to get to our destination. I missed telling you about that last exit and was waiting for it to recalculate. Maybe let’s exit soon and go to a gas station to rest and calm down for a bit?”
Getting here takes time and practice. Just as important, if not more importantly, we can learn new ways of addressing conflict with each other in front of our kid(s) and other essential groups.
The most important aspect is to use those techniques as well as resolve the conflict in front of those whom we influence. If it’s not something that can be immediately resolved, negotiate that in front of them. “Right now, I’m feeling [upset, sad, mad, a lot of feelings] and I want to talk about this when I’ve calmed down. When would be a good time to do that?”
Try to come back and talk it out calmly in front of the kids or group using the skills outlined in this series. This shows that getting upset is natural and you want to work as a team to better support each other. This sets the example for them that they can have big feelings but not explode, that they have a part in the conflict, and that resolution is possible.
Even if you don’t address most or all of it in front of the kids or group, come back and explain to them what that looked like.
“We talked about how we were both frustrated and not trusting the other person in their activity. We decided to switch activities every couple of hours and to communicate and update more quickly about how we’re feeling. We want to start playing road games to enjoy a shared task and stay calm.”
I was inspired to write this blog because of the emerging pattern of my clients rarely seeing resolutions as children I hear about time and time again. I hope people will recognize their learned behaviors, that conflict resolution ignorance is not all their fault, and feel empowered that they can learn to repair and actually forge stronger connections through resolving conflict. Ultimately, it leads to more trust. And, by doing this, you can help shape healthier relationships for future generations.