Losing Strategies that are Keeping You Stuck in Conflict in Your Relationship
You are so frustrated that your partner refuses to understand your point of view, so you decided to double down on your threats. “You’re going out with your friends again? If you don’t start including me in your time off, you can sleep in the guestroom!” The problem is, these threats decrease the chances of your partner learning to empathize with why you're hurting in the first place.
It is so easy, and dare I say, sometimes totally understandable why this thought would enter your head. In order to feel completely heard, it’s best to limit certain natural feeling tendencies in order to have a productive conversation. Disappointing your spouse is part of the crazy journey of marriage. We love them, but sometimes it becomes challenging to meet their desires and our own. It’s what we do with those differences that shows your partner that they matter. And these are all attainable skills you can learn in couples therapy.
In the first part of this series, Center for Couples Counseling therapist Jaimi discussed the 10 Rules for Fair Fighting and how to use these rules to improve your conflict resolution skills. In this post of the series I will cover what we call The Losing Strategies and recommend you avoid engaging in these behaviors/tendencies. These losing strategies were created by the creator of Relational Life Therapy, a very effective method of couples therapy and a model we use in our practice. All of these things are easy to find yourself drawn to or have used in the past, but it’s time to quit using these strategies as they are keeping your marriage stuck in unproductive and unhelpful conflict.
Being Right
You married someone exactly like you with all the same thoughts and feelings? Probably not. So why do you expect them to fully agree with your view every single time? It’s totally understandable to want to feel validated in conflict, but what’s most important is finding a solution that works for both partners. Don’t get lost in the battle, own it! Listen to both points of view and make a conscious effort to find a solution that honors both you and your partner's beliefs.
Unbridled Self-Expression
Unbridled self-expression is the belief that we need to discuss every emotion and feeling during conflict in order to fully feel understood. One way we do this is bringing up issues from past experiences. When we bring up repeated issues from the past during present day conflicts, it takes away from our desired point we are trying to make. “And another thing!” “You never apologized two years ago for not speaking up for me, in front of your mother!” Yikes, that’s a big one, but you get my point. Especially, be mindful of the topics that you didn’t bring up in the past. I am not saying to never discuss past hurts and disappointments. But when you're discussing a new conflict, keep it focused.
Retaliation
I see this one often. We think that the only way for our partner to comprehend the hurt that they have caused, is to make them suffer the same consequence. Who hasn’t had this thought? Unfortunately, it often has the reverse effect and damages the relationship to the point of no return. Attempting to soften someone’s heart to understand the pain you felt by their actions is the goal.
Controlling Your Partner
I don’t know about you, but when I feel that someone is forcing me to do anything, I may not handle this in the most delightful way. Forcing your spouse to engage in anything they feel strongly against will just cause them to resent you. It feels like you're being bullied to appease some else’s needs. Of course, we all meet our partners in the middle sometimes, when we engage in activities they like or family events that we really don’t want to attend. But, forcing them will start to create lack of respect and then soon to follow, lack of intimacy.
Withdrawal
It may seem like the best way to avoid a losing situation is to RETREAT RETREAT! This situation is yucky, so I’m out. Well, this temporary fix will have lasting results. It causes your partner to make all kinds of assumptions about what you are thinking, without any clear understanding. With that being said, please know that I am a supporter of taking a break when the discussion gets heated. This looks like,” hey babe, I’m going to take a quick walk. I want to discuss this more when I get back. I hate that it’s gotten to this place.” This is so hard to do sometimes! But if you can make the conscious effort to not withdraw in anger, you set yourself up for finding a resolution.