What the Heck are Fair Fighting Rules?
I often have clients come in and feel shameful for fighting with their partner – that fighting means they are failing - but this is so far from the truth! Fighting doesn’t determine if a couple will be able to move forward and heal. Fighting is okay; however, it is necessary to fight fairly and ensure we are implementing change so that our fights are effective. This is one of the first subjects you’ll likely dive into in couples therapy. If we are having the same fight over and over, finding no resolution, we are doing it wrong! We like to look at the ten fair fighting rules as a general guide to being effective in our fights with our partners, so let’s talk about what we have! (Also sign up for our newsletter so you can get more tips about fair fighting right to your inbox!)
Rule 1: No Degrading Language, Yelling, or Use of Force:
If we are calling names, yelling or being physically aggressive, there is no effective communication being utilized. Period. Trying to communicate in this way often causes our partners to feel defensive or completely shut down. These things always do more damage than help us resolve anything.
Rule 2: Deal with One Issue at a Time:
This does not mean we cannot resolve more than one issue with our partners but one at a time is necessary to get anywhere with the discussion. If we come to our partner with seven different fight-worthy topics, by the time you’ve said your list they are likely overwhelmed, shut down, defensive, or still considering the first topic you brought up. Without any movement or resolution, you’ll be left feeling unfilled.
Rule 3: No Blaming:
“If you hadn’t done this, I wouldn’t have done that!” This may help you feel better in the moment but in reality, we need to take accountability for our actions and choices. We may have acted in retaliation and feel the need to defend ourselves and our actions but we will never have effective communication if we don’t stop the blaming cycle. Step up and admit why OUR actions or words were not as effective or appropriate as they needed to be to begin taking responsibility.
Rule 4: Don’t Generalize or Exaggerate:
It is never “always” or “never”! “You ALWAYS do this” or “You NEVER do that”. Well, we just set up a perfect opportunity for our partner to come back and say, “No! That one time…”. We have now lost the validity to our argument and they have a good point! Fighting fairly means we are honest with ourselves and our partner. “Always” and “never” sound REALLY good when we are trying to prove a point but are rarely accurate (except in the first sentence of this paragraph, in which my use is accurate-see what I did there!).
Rule 5: Do Not Make Threats:
We do not make threats mid-fight. This means we don’t threaten to leave, pack a bag, to separate or divorce during a fight. This does not mean we cannot make these decisions or changes within our relationship but we have to make these decisions when we are thinking rationally. To say there are a lot of emotions when we fight is an understatement – we are feeling SO MANY THINGS and our brains are not working. Give yourself a chance to calm down and breathe before making such big decisions. Sometimes we fight with the intention to hurt feelings or do damage and that is all these threats do, especially if we don’t even mean what we are saying.
Rule 6: Describe how you feel:
This is an AMAZING time for an “I statement”, “I feel _____ because _____ when _____, I need ______” You fill in the blanks. Sometimes people come up with their own script for an “I statement” but the point is that we are communicating what we are feeling, why we are feeling that way and what we need from our partner. This usually feels awkward at first but it is common to feel like we are “overly communicating” when we have been so ineffective at communication for so long. It gets better!
Rule 7: Stay in the Present:
This doesn’t mean we can’t work on healing something that was damaging in the past but we handle things one at a time (Rule 2) and staying in the present is necessary when we are in a “here and now” fight. “That time FIVE YEARS AGO when you said this and that…” oh we are definitely not going anywhere fast with that one – that fight hasn’t been effective for five years, now is not the time!
Rule 8: Take Turns Speaking and Reflect Back:
Perfect time for us to literally tell our partners what we are hearing, “I hear you saying…”. We so often assume communication based on what we THINK our partner is going to say, their tone or what we JUST KNOW they are actually saying. When we reflect back with, “I hear you saying…”, we are giving our partner the opportunity to say, “Yes that is what I said and what I meant”, “Yes that is what I said, but not what I meant” or “No, that isn’t what I said”. Sometimes we hear something that was never said and it is best to clarify that information rather than build an argument on a miscommunication.
Rule 9: Don’t Stockpile:
We do not come into a fight with a backpack of frustrations or topics! This falls right in line with Rule 2. When we look to fight fairly, we are looking to effectively communicate and handle one thing at a time. Sometimes this means we have work we need to do ourselves with processing our feelings and thoughts AND THAT’S OKAY – but take accountability for that.
Rule 10: Use Time-Outs:
I always suggest no less than 15 minutes and no more than 24 hours for a time-out. It is also ideal to discuss what time frame we need before walking away. This doesn’t mean that we are not talking or living in a frustrated feeling. I tend to suggest writing down the topic of the argument and putting it in a jar, walking away and doing something to self-care and process what you are looking to communicate – THEN come back and be effective in your communication with your partner and find a resolution.
Now, these are not meant for you to point at and scream, “YOU AREN’T FOLLOWING THE RULES!!” – why not?? Because rule #1! These rules are not meant to be a weapon or to be used in an attack. We absolutely ask for effort and a shift in perspective from all of the participants in the fight, we see the most progress when everyone is on the same page with these rules. We are human, we will make mistakes and that is okay, just be open and honest about it – discuss what you are going to do to implement change in that behavior moving forward and, well, move forward.