To Couples on Election Day
Let’s take a collective deep breath before we dive into this post. (For real, take a big intentional deep breath right now!)
Election Day 2020
I wanted to take some time to write specifically to couples on this 2020 election day. Undoubtedly you’ve been talking quite a bit about politics lately, it’s practically impossible to avoid. Whether you’ve been on the same side of things, or have completely opposing views, I can imagine that big emotions and high levels of stress arise, creating cracks in connections and relationships. The conversations can be delicate in many settings, but most people express their emotions more openly with their partners and the people closest to them. The rising levels of anger, sadness, hopelessness, and grief come out and before you know it, political news has ruined your date night.
Never Talk About Religion or Politics?
Remember that old saying “never talk about religion or politics”? I’ve always wondered what the rationale was with that approach. It seems we have very limited skills in being able to discuss these topics in a way that leads to enrichment and deeper understanding of other humans, and instead experience conflict, destructive communication, and strained relationships.
Without practice or learning how to have tough conversations, it’s really not surprising that couples, families, and friendships are under duress when highly charged political issues and candidates are plastered everywhere. Ill-equipped participants who are getting activated by very real concerns about political and societal issues who aren’t validated and don’t feel safe is a recipe for disaster. But disaster is the last word we want to describe our most intimate and meaningful relationships, especially with our partners. We’re creating more danger and distance, instead of fostering vulnerability and closeness.
The levels of anxiety and stress of elections are being more widely recognized, and in fact Dr. Steven Stosny has coined the term “election stress disorder” as an unofficial way to understand what occurs around election time. Individuals and couples obviously experience distress and struggle when there is political divide. The question still lingers for me though, “as a couples therapist, how can I watch couples year after year work through betrayals, ongoing conflict, family of origin differences, mental health issues, and past situations, but continue to see political divides take a toll and do as much damage as they do?” Then when I think about it for a second, it makes total sense...it’s all relational.
Trauma
Trauma lives in the body. Even if we don’t realize it or consciously think about it, it’s always there, and it’s often activated at super inconvenient times like when we’re scrolling Facebook or trying to ask a question about safety protocols for swim class. But trauma also continues to survive in order to help keep us safe. It’s brutal when you get triggered, but it does increase hyper-awareness of what’s going on around you.
Issues around politics are traumatic for many; the actual issues being discussed but also the family conflict, manipulative tactics used to get people to vote for specific candidates, the tension in the public, and hopelessness that things will get better for marginalized groups of people or for the topics that hit home most for you. We also have memories of past elections, and how the people in our lives reacted. I can tell you I’m already experiencing reactions to the idea of a recount due to memories of the hanging chad situation, and how unsettling people’s reactions were which resulted in me feeling insecure and unsafe to discuss the matters or opposing views. My muscles and back feel incredibly tense just thinking about this very realistic possibility, because again, trauma lives in the body.
In your relationship, even if you and your partner agree politically, triggers are inevitably popping up all over the place. You both have your own separate wounds that probably look really different, and they likely often play off of each other (that’s the relational stuff!). We tend to choose partners who have similar qualities to other people in our past because we are subconsciously attempting to heal from past issues, so I imagine that different topics or situations are resulting in different responses. You may also have incongruent approaches to how to respond to family, co-workers, and on social media. And of course, you could have completely opposing views that when it comes down to it makes you realize that your core values may be dissimilar from your partner, and you have to figure out if you can live with that. So much pushing away, and not enough drawing in.
Devaluation
Devaluation is a huge problem when it comes to politics, and I’ve noticed myself at times resorting to this way of thinking. Devaluation is a defense mechanism used when a person attributes themselves, an object, or another person as completely flawed, worthless, or having exaggerated negative qualities. I’ve seen this play out in many ways for couples lately. The couple devalues a candidate, or the people in their lives who support a certain candidate, or in the worst cases each other.
Devaluation is damaging to relationships because it starts to create power dynamic struggles, which can lead to all sorts of problems down the road. You may start seeing your partner in a negative way, or team up with your partner against other people in your life, and view all interactions through this devaluation lens which creates an overall negative sentiment and air of contempt.
If this is something you notice yourself or your partner doing, pause and evaluate. Look at what’s happening, breathe, and ask yourself if there are other ways to view the situation. Find a safe way to discuss this process with your partner, and make an agreement that the two of you will work together to view things through a more balanced lens. One pro tip: Work together as a couple to make a list (and yes, I mean write it down with a pen and paper) of things you can and can’t control, how you’re going to work together as a team to focus on controlling the things you can in a healthy and constructive way, and sharing what each of you needs to be able to let the rest go.
Compassion
I hope you’ve realized so far that one of the biggest things we’re missing in election season is compassion. We are not able to show others compassion when emotions are high and we are forced into survival mode. In relationships, especially marital relationships, I’ve found compassion to be the single most healing action a person can take.
Compassion helps both yourself and your relationship. If you’re seeing your partner as the enemy, looking at everyone as though they’re stupid, engaging in unrelenting Facebook rants or arguments, you’re really just hurting yourself and staying stuck. But allowing that compassion for others to overflow from your body can be so incredibly helpful, and actually heal some of the trauma that causes the reactions in the first place. You’ll be surprised at how others will respond with warmness and closeness when you offer them empathy and compassion, because truthfully we’re all scared and suffering right now.
You may find your relationship struggling, or you and your partner struggling with outside relationships as a result of the election and pandemic. I want to give you the reminder that this too shall pass, it is temporary even though it doesn’t feel like it, and you can grow and find something amazing through this experience and time in history. The most important thing to remember is to build a connection with your partner, create a sense of safety and security, and be kind to each other. Trauma lives in the body, healing lives in relationships.