Why Letting Go of Your Relationship Clutter Will Help You Get Stuff Done In Marriage Counseling
Over the past couple of blogs, I’ve explored the beginning stages of therapy and discussed that the first session of therapy is really a Kon Mari decluttering of your marriage problems. The couple comes in to see me, and with my structured guidance puts all their relationship clutter out on the table for me to see. From there, I quickly help couples understand that not everything they think they need to talk about in marriage counseling is actually relevant to helping them, and most of it is holding them back from making real progress.
I know how much you want to talk about that fight you had three years ago and the passive aggressive comment your mother in law made at the wedding that your partner didn’t have your back on. I’ve found myself bringing up the same types of issues in my own marriage, and believe me, it feels good to hang onto that stuff at times. Humans like to have something to place blame on, something to justify our anger and resentments. (Watch this Brene Brown video to learn more about blame).
I’ve shared about two major considerations to taking a more focused and intentional approach to marriage counseling by using the approach of “decluttering” your relationship. Firstly, the topic of the previous blog post, you can more easily move from talking about content, or what the fight is about, and move into more deeper process oriented conversations so that you can change HOW you fight and actually make progress in the relationship. And secondly, the focus of this post, you can gain an understanding that the relationship clutter you’ve been holding onto is actually a symptom and a distraction from the real problems in your relationship.
Relationship clutter can include lots of things. I can’t think of a single person that doesn’t bring stuff from their past relationships, childhood and parental relationships, or other romantic relationships, into their marriages. This could include family of origin issues, internalized messages from others or the world you’ve given power and space to, or unresolved conflicts. There’s also relationship clutter within your marriage, such as hurtful things that have been said, family disputes, repetitive arguments, the great toilet paper debate, etc.
As I’ve shared in my minimalism posts, I like to think about clutter as a guard that keeps you from showing your authentic self to the world. Clutter is essentially a protection from things that are too vulnerable, so we hold onto it with the tightest grip to keep other people from seeing the worst parts of ourselves...because if they do, will they still love us? The same is true in marriages.
Partners hold onto all kinds of shit from the past, both as a way to justify their feelings, anger, and resentments (plus an excuse to not let go of those hard feelings), and as a protection to keep the other person at arm's length. If I can keep all our arguments and wrong doings at my beck and call to use however and whenever I need them, then I won’t have to dig deep into my own mistakes, shortcomings, and failures. I also won’t have to look at the real pain my partner has caused me, and I can keep the conversation focused on the details of what occurred rather than the meat of the issue.
As hard as it is to relinquish your grip on the past, holding onto every issue or argument is burdensome to you, your partner, and your marriage, and it’s truly keeping you stuck. It’s normal and most people do it, because it’s easy. But you’re not diving into marriage therapy because you want an easy fix, you’ve tried that before and you can see that it doesn’t really work. You’re starting marriage counseling because you’re ready to transform your relationship for the better, and part of that is learning to heal yourself and your marriage by letting go. It’s okay to move forward, it’s scary as hell, but it’s completely okay to acknowledge your pain and actually talk about it instead of burying it. Your marriage deserves an honest chance at healing, so show up as yourselves and let the rest go.