Marriage During Covid-19: Setting Boundaries as a Couple Even When You Disagree
I don’t know about you, but I’ve personally found setting boundaries over the last 7 months to be harder than any other time in my life. Going through a pandemic has been hard for everyone, but what I’m hearing from clients session after session is how hard it is to manage the situation within marriages, families, friendships, and organizations. The medical part is complicated, but the impact on relationships is far more complex.
Everyone has different risk tolerances and levels of comfort in regards to socializing and spending time together in person. Differences in decision making have been causing conflict and anxiety throughout the pandemic, but both are increasing in frequency and intensity as covid numbers rise so close to the holidays. It’s been difficult for those saying “No” to social events, as well as those being told “No”. Family members on both sides are feeling hurt, rejected, sad, and lonely. Keeping clear communication while discussing such sensitive topics has been difficult at best, but it’s possible to disagree with respect and validation, while seeing each other’s perspectives.
It’s hard enough to set clear on boundaries, communicate them well, and accept the situation we’re all in, but what about when a couple is having a hard time getting on the same page with those boundaries? I’ve seen it happen before the pandemic on occasion, but now it’s a common occurrence and something that’s being discussed all week in my office. And what’s so painful is that it’s getting in the way of marital connection between partners, disrupting their bond and putting them against each other instead of fostering a true partnership.
So here’s the deal: hearing, seeing, and validating your partner is more important than the decision itself. Trust me, there’s some really deep and powerful feelings coming up for people around covid issues, including painful wounds that have been buried deep down for a long time. While you have to make a plan, the logistics are secondary to understanding, giving space, and creating safety in your relationship. Other people will always have opinions, and perhaps the two of you see things differently, but at the end of the day are any of these moments in time worth jeopardizing your connection and emotional security? Heck no! So it’s time to recommit to working together as partners and resetting your priorities.
Be aware of each other’s boundaries, and why they exist.
Even if you’ve had a previous conversation or think you know where your partner stands, wait until you’ve actually talked to them before giving an answer to someone’s request to get together. When you talk as a couple about the request or upcoming holidays, be sure each person gets a turn to share their point of view and how they are thinking about the situation from all angles, even if it feels like overkill. Then check in with your partner to be sure they fully understand your thoughts and feelings before switching roles. If you don’t understand something as the listener, don’t be afraid to ask clarifying questions, and try to dig to the root of some of these issues, especially if you’re struggling or this thinking seems out of the ordinary. There’s meat to these issues, don’t shy away from exploring the stuff that’s actually important.
Be clear about your plan as a couple.
After having time and space to explore invitations and requests for socializing, it’s imperative to have a clear plan that you both agree on as a couple. This may or may not represent a compromise. I think “compromising” is overrated, sometimes a compromise is simply not an option and that’s ok. However, you do need to decide what’s most important as a couple and show grace and compassion, even if that means you didn’t get your way. The softer and more connected you are as a couple, the easier it is to enact a plan. You each have a right to your thoughts and opinions, but once you’ve committed to a plan, it’s essential to follow through. Review the plan and discuss potential pitfalls and signals you may need to employ to come back together or make an adjustment. Both of you need safety to share if you’re uncomfortable and you can both be open to changing the plan if necessary.
Don’t undermine each other’s positions, even if you don’t agree.
The two of you don’t need to agree going into situations or when making your plan on what to do with family or friends, but it will be damaging if you begin undermining each other’s position. There’s value in your partner’s point of view, and if you are asking them to consider what you’re saying you need to consider what they’re saying. That’s foundational to a good relationship. You also may not fully understand what’s being activated when family is making different requests, because old family patterns and dynamics are quite powerful. Your partner’s FOOBS (or family of origin bullshit) may be getting triggered by setting boundaries, not participating, guilt trips, or perceived rejections. Tap into those feelings, and validate validate validate! You can hold space for your partner’s fears and pain instead of writing their concerns off as stupid or without basis. Don’t only focus on your own stuff, see their stuff as well.
You can’t control what others think or how they behave, so stay on the same team.
Not everyone outside your marriage will like your boundaries or agree with your decisions, which is totally ok. But if there’s already disagreement on how to proceed, partners may be influenced by what others say and do in response to communicating about the plan. A partner may say it’s not their idea to do this, or they don’t get it but they’re just going along with what the other person wants. They may try to ease the tension and lighten the mood by joking about their partner’s anxiety or overexplaining the rationale. The truth is you can’t control what others think or how they behave, but you can control communicating clearly, sharing the plan so everyone understands, and treating your partner with respect. With the agreed upon plan, it’s really easy not to deviate. If you feel anxious being the delivery person, ask your partner for additional support with implementing the actions and use the mantra that you’re on the same team.
Remember Flexibility: You are allowed to change your minds.
As a couple, it’s important to remember that you and your partner individually and you as a couple are allowed to change your minds. There’s new information and changing safety measures occurring literally daily, so although you’ve come up with a plan together, keep in mind you are allowed to pivot as necessary. Yes, some people will be upset or disappointed, but openness and growing together as a couple is the ultimate goal. Again, create that safe space to be able to approach each other, share your concerns, and adjust the plan as needed. Just make sure to double check before proceeding so that there are no miscommunications.
Although I’m sure it’s been stressful, there’s really no reason you can’t have an amazing Thanksgiving. My wish is that everyone is able to work through their own needs, assert boundaries, listen and respond with kindness, approach their loved ones with grace and compassion, and show up with vulnerability. This can happen in all situations and no matter the set up. Go back to what’s most important and bask in your gratitude for the amazing relationships that will be fostered, even during a pandemic.