The Impact of Infertility on Relationship Dynamics
“The greater the storm, the brighter the rainbow.” -Anonymous
You may have heard the term “rainbow baby” which refers to a child born after a family has suffered a loss or long infertility journey. The idea is that you’ve gone through a tough experience, like a storm, but got a beautiful rainbow on the other side. People often feel a range of complicated emotions when welcoming a rainbow baby.
While there’s been a term coined for having a baby after a pregnancy struggle, there’s no word to accurately describe how the marriage/relationship transforms during and after going through infertility as a couple. Infertility can alter the dynamics of a relationship, shifting roles, responsibilities, and the way partners interact with each other.
Relationship satisfaction often decreases during challenging times, especially when partners are on different pages or have opposing ideas about how to move forward. Without openness, vulnerability, and deep connection, relationships can face serious trouble. Couples typically seek therapy with the goal of adapting to changing relationship dynamics and learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions and process the grief together as a couple.
Role Changes and Expectations
Infertility can lead to a shift in traditional relationship roles. For example, one partner may become the primary source of emotional support, while the other may feel pressured to be strong and resilient. These role changes can create an imbalance, leading to feelings of resentment or neglect.
The partner who has the medical issue that causes infertility (referred to as female factor or male factor) tends to experience a deep sense of failure, inadequacy, and shame. They feel like they are letting their partner down and as though their body does not work as intended, which is emotional torture. That person can take on a role in the relationship that is unfamiliar to both partners. For example, if they are used to over-functioning they may start under-functioning as a coping mechanism to deal with the overwhelm, helplessness, and loss of control they are feeling. Now both partners are at a loss for how to function as this disrupts the typical cadence of problem solving and daily operations.
Intimacy Challenges
I tend to break intimacy down into three categories: physical, emotional, and sexual. The stress and pressure of trying to conceive, typically on a schedule or with specific interventions required, can affect a couple’s intimate connection in all three areas. Physical intimacy, which includes actions such as hugging, rubbing your partner’s back, or holding hands, can feel awkward as you’re simultaneously looking at your calendar and tracking your cycle to figure out what day you’re ovulating.
Emotional intimacy can become challenging as conversation about infertility and attempts to conceive can take over, limiting the time spent talking about other subjects, having fun and being playful, or sharing in a vulnerable way. With the delicate nature of infertility, partner’s often become apprehensive and tempered in how they discuss uncomfortable feelings, limiting the ability to fully connect or express empathy and compassion. I find that partners get themselves into an unhelpful dance, with one person closing off and one person desperately bidding for connection. The more one pulls, the more the other pushes-which invariably makes intimacy a challenge.
Physical and emotional intimacy are foreplay for sex (according to the couples therapy researcher John Gottman), so it makes sense that if those areas are impacted, sexual intimacy will be impacted. Additionally, sex often becomes for the primary purpose of procreation rather than connection during an infertility journey, which leads to a loss of spontaneity, fun, and romance. This shift can make intimacy feel like a chore rather than a shared experience of love and connection.
Building Resilience Together
To navigate these challenges and changes in relationship dynamics, it’s important to acknowledge and address the issues in a straightforward way. Humans are very good at deflecting from and avoiding blame, that’s natural and normal. It’s hard to face the pain and discomfort of infertility in general, but acknowledging the impact it has on your relationship can feel like too much to handle.
You can’t deal with something you haven’t accepted is happening. The hard truth is that your relationship has now been changed forever, AND that doesn't have to be a bad thing. So many of the couples I have worked with over the years have found that going through life struggles together has resulted in having a stronger and more connected relationship.
You can build resilience together by being open, curious, and working together as a team to navigate every new obstacle that comes your way. This might involve redefining roles, sharing responsibilities more equally, or finding new ways to connect emotionally, physically, and sexually. Try to set aside time for non-baby-related activities that you both enjoy or are totally new for both of you. This helps to reinforce your bond as a couple outside of the infertility journey and solidifies security that each partner is in it for the long haul, no matter how the future plays out.
My name is Erika Labuzan-Lopez, LMFT-S, LPC-S and I’m the owner of the Center for Couples Counseling. I love using a variety of techniques to help couples learn why they move into childish spaces during the conflict, how to put down those defenses for good, and what to do when you can’t access the tools you know will work to get out of conflict. I love working with couples and individuals to learn how to live in the world more relationally and engage in meaningful relationships. With over a decade of couples therapy experience, I am passionate about training and supervising therapists to become specialized in highly effective couples therapy. We see couples, individuals, and all residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule your FREE phone consultation.
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Other Services Offered at Center for Couples Counseling
At Center For Couples Counseling, our team of skilled therapists understands that your relationship may be facing different challenges. In addition to couples therapy, our Texas practice offers individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!