Coping with the Stress and Pressure of Infertility as a Couple
There’s no stretch of time in my life that has been more stressful than my infertility journeys. Infertility is a significant source of stress from a variety of viewpoints. Couples are plagued by helplessness and the uncertainty of outcomes, rapid grief/hopelessness cycles, and disrupted intimacy.
On top of that, societal pressures and questions from well meaning friends and family members at social events and holidays about when you will start a family can set off a major emotional reaction. People often have self-imposed pressures, which puts stress on the body, mental health, and relationships. I was already a therapist when I went through infertility, and even I felt unequipped to manage the stress and pressure of infertility. I’ll provide a few strategies for you to try out, and I highly recommend individual and couples therapy during this time for extra support and exploration of ways to deal with this time of turmoil.
External Pressures
Have you ever heard of the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon? It’s the cognitive bias that affects how we think and process information where something you recently learned seems to appear everywhere, making it feel like it's more common than it actually is. I’ve found that couples who are actively trying to conceive notice that everyone they come into contact with is asking them about pregnancy and babies. It’s hard to say how accurate the amount of questions is, but I can definitely say it’s painful and annoying. Although most people don’t realize it, those questions are poking at the paper cut.
Society often places a high value on parenthood and having children, so couples struggling with infertility may be judged or stigmatized. Whenever the topic comes up in conversation, it instantly becomes uncomfortable, especially if you and your partner have agreed to keep your infertility journey private. This external pressure can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and isolation, making it even harder to cope.
Internal Expectations
Pressure from other people, pictures on social media, or depictions of pregnancy on TV or movies exacerbates the immense pressure that couples put on themselves. The desire to conceive can become all-consuming, leading to constant stress and anxiety. I’ve had clients become distracted at work, irritable with their friends and family, isolate themselves, and fall into a depression. Couples can create a cycle of tension, where stress negatively impacts the ability to conceive, which in turn increases stress levels, and then it starts again-all in a short 4 week period of time over and over again.
Stress Management Techniques
It’s crucial to find healthy ways to manage stress to protect yourself, your body and mind, and your relationship. It’s always a good idea to seek the help of a professional therapist who can teach you effective coping skills, and/or a couples therapist to assist in making intentional efforts to support each other in using stress management techniques, both together and separately. Here’s some ideas for you to explore in the meantime:
1. Open and Honest Communication
Why It Helps: Keeping the lines of communication open allows both partners to express their feelings, fears, and frustrations. This prevents misunderstandings and helps you both feel supported.
How to Practice: Set aside time each week for a “relationship check-in.” Use this time to discuss how each of you is feeling about the process and any concerns you might have. Make sure to listen actively and validate each other’s emotions.
2. Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques
Why It Helps: Stress and anxiety can take a toll on your mental and physical health. Mindfulness practices like meditation, deep breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation can help reduce stress levels and increase happiness hormones.
How to Practice: Try practicing mindfulness together. This can be as simple as spending five minutes focusing on your breath or doing a short guided meditation. Apps like Headspace or Calm can be helpful resources.
3. Physical Activity and Exercise
Why It Helps: Regular physical activity is a powerful stress reliever. It releases endorphins, improves mood, and helps you stay physically healthy, which is especially important during infertility treatment.
How to Practice: Find an activity you both enjoy, whether it’s taking a daily walk, going for a run, or attending a yoga class. Exercise not only reduces stress but also provides an opportunity to connect with each other outside of the infertility context.
4. Setting Boundaries with Others
Why It Helps: Well-meaning friends and family can sometimes add to the stress by asking intrusive questions or offering unsolicited advice. Setting boundaries helps protect your emotional well-being.
How to Practice: Decide together what information you’re comfortable sharing and with whom. You might prepare gentle but firm responses for those who inquire about your family plans, such as, “Thank you for your concern. We’re handling this privately and will share when we’re ready.”
5. Engaging in Non-Baby-Related Activities
Why It Helps: Infertility can become all-consuming, but it’s important to maintain your relationship outside of the baby-making context. Doing things you both enjoy can help keep your bond strong and provide a much-needed mental break.
How to Practice: Make time for date nights, weekend getaways, or hobbies you both enjoy. Whether it’s cooking a meal together, watching a movie, or taking a day trip, these activities help remind you that your relationship is more than just your fertility journey.
Now go, practice your new skills, have some fun together, and re-engage in connection. It will feel so good!
My name is Erika Labuzan-Lopez, LMFT-S, LPC-S and I’m the owner of the Center for Couples Counseling. I love using a variety of techniques to help couples learn why they move into childish spaces during the conflict, how to put down those defenses for good, and what to do when you can’t access the tools you know will work to get out of conflict. I love working with couples and individuals to learn how to live in the world more relationally and engage in meaningful relationships. With over a decade of couples therapy experience, I am passionate about training and supervising therapists to become specialized in highly effective couples therapy. We see couples, individuals, and all residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule your FREE phone consultation.
Interested in Meeting a Couples Therapist in League City, TX?
If you want to improve your relationship and reconnect with your partner, take action now and start being more curious about your relationship. At Center For Couples Counseling, one of our skilled couples therapists can help you and your partner navigate your challenges and rediscover the curiosity and passion that brought you together in the first place. Don't wait any longer to invest in the health and happiness of your relationship. To meet with a couples therapist follow these three simple steps:
Contact us to schedule an appointment
Meet with one of our skilled couples therapists
Begin to find the curiosity in your relationship and reconnect with your partner!
Other Services Offered at Center for Couples Counseling
At Center For Couples Counseling, our team of skilled therapists understands that your relationship may be facing different challenges. In addition to couples therapy, our Texas practice offers individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!