Understanding the Emotional Toll of Infertility on Relationships: How Couples Therapy Can Help
Infertility is like a paper cut, just when you think it’s healing it opens up again. The infertility journey is an incredibly challenging experience that affects each partner in a relationship and the couple as a whole. The feelings that play out during an infertility journey are cyclical: you’re filled with hope, then disappointed, then hopeful again, only to be let down, and eventually couples become anxiety ridden, hopeless, and filled with grief.
These ups and downs in rapid succession significantly impact relationship satisfaction. Just remember, these reactions and emotional responses are completely normal, and while it may be uncomfortable and painful the strain on your relationship is a shared experience, not an isolated one.
The Emotional Rollercoaster
Infertility often brings about a range of intense emotions. Feelings of anger, sadness, guilt, and anxiety are common, and they can sometimes be overwhelming. The pressure to conceive can make every failed attempt feel like a personal failure, leading to feelings of inadequacy, self-blame, and shame. These emotions can strain the relationship, as partners may process these feelings differently, potentially leading to misunderstandings and conflicts.
Oftentimes, one person misreads their partner’s reaction as not caring or being too nonchalant. If one of you is more closed off about expressing emotions, doesn’t cry, and doesn’t have intense anxiety or rumination, it can come off as though this journey and all the challenges don’t bother you or it’s not important. This can make the partner who is having more reactivity feel guilty about their own responses, alone, and even crazy to feel like it’s such a big deal.
Partners can learn to accurately communicate their feelings and gain understanding in a variety of different responses people have to life’s difficulties, especially with help from a couple therapist. Finding a couples therapist who specializes in infertility is highly recommended, as explaining the nuances to someone unfamiliar with the terminology and procedures can feel overwhelming and burdensome. Learning the ins and outs of infertility options is exhausting enough.
Communication: The First Line of Defense
Effective communication is crucial during this time. It’s important to create a safe space where both partners can express their feelings without fear of judgment or dismissal. This means listening to each other’s concerns, validating emotions, and being supportive, even when you don’t fully understand your partner’s experience.
Remember, you don’t have to agree with your partner or fully understand their experience in order to show up for them and empathize. You can validate their feelings and show compassion for the struggle they are facing even if you experience it differently. Sometimes it helps to zoom out, not get caught up in the details of what your partner is describing, and instead view the conversation as though you are supporting your love who is in immense pain.
Don’t challenge or question details/thought processes too much at the beginning of the conversation, simply listen with reflection and care and show your partner that you will be there for them no matter how things play out. Check in to make sure you’ve understood what your partner is saying as the discussion progresses, and don’t be afraid to be direct or use uncomfortable emotional vocabulary, such as “it sounds like you’re experiencing a lot of shame right now.”
Remember to make time for both partners to share how they are feeling and utilize the 20-minute rule (limit the conversation around this topic to 20 minutes a day so as to not allow it to consume your world and relationship; time boundaries help with this so actually set a timer). Schedule regular times to check in with each other, gain support, and offer reassurance.
Normalizing the Experience
It’s vital to understand that the emotional toll of infertility is a shared burden. You are not alone in feeling this way. Many couples go through similar experiences, and it’s okay to feel the way you do. Acknowledging that these feelings are a normal part of the process can help reduce the pressure on both partners to “stay strong” all the time.
One of the things I’ve heard most from couples I’ve worked with who are going through infertility is that it feels so lonely and no one really understands what you’re dealing with. A client once told me “infertility is like the exclusive club you never wanted to be part of but now you intimately understand the other members.” It helps to lean on your partner and frame the journey as a couples’ experience; you have to deal with it together. These painful and vulnerable conversations often lead to the most amazing opportunities for connection. The struggle is real and normal, and acknowledging that is crucial to moving forward in a healthy way.
My name is Erika Labuzan-Lopez, LMFT-S, LPC-S and I’m the owner of the Center for Couples Counseling. I love using a variety of techniques to help couples learn why they move into childish spaces during the conflict, how to put down those defenses for good, and what to do when you can’t access the tools you know will work to get out of conflict. I love working with couples and individuals to learn how to live in the world more relationally and engage in meaningful relationships. With over a decade of couples therapy experience, I am passionate about training and supervising therapists to become specialized in highly effective couples therapy. We see couples, individuals, and all residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule your FREE phone consultation.
Interested in Meeting a Couples Therapist in League City, TX?
If you want to improve your relationship and reconnect with your partner, take action now and start being more curious about your relationship. At Center For Couples Counseling, one of our skilled couples therapists can help you and your partner navigate your challenges and rediscover the curiosity and passion that brought you together in the first place. Don't wait any longer to invest in the health and happiness of your relationship. To meet with a couples therapist follow these three simple steps:
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Other Services Offered at Center for Couples Counseling
At Center For Couples Counseling, our team of skilled therapists understands that your relationship may be facing different challenges. In addition to couples therapy, our Texas practice offers individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!