Monogamy and Non-monogamy Considered
Do you feel content, happy, fulfilled more often than not in a long-term relationship with one person? Do you ever feel curious about connecting with someone new? Alone or with your partner? If you’re monogamous, did you choose that? What do you like about it? If you feel stifled or confined, what do you want more of?
You might have seen a video on TikTok or read an article about Polyamory. You might have seen jokes on sitcoms about Swingers parties or know someone who practices Swinging. You might watch adult entertainment that includes multiple people. Some of this content is going to be more credible than others and there are a lot of misconceptions.
I see a lot of clients and peers in discussion groups who stumble into practicing non-monogamy before they know anything about it or have in-depth discussions with their partner. This almost invariably leads to a bundled mess, creates a lot of drama, hurt feelings, and potentially ends the relationship you’re attempting to open.
Over my 15 years of exploring non-monogamy, I’ve created systems of discussions, questions, and how to have difficult conversations to more smoothly navigate identifying and collaborating on pieces of relationships that are often taken for granted. I’ve needed to understand how I tend to show up in relationships, what my expectations of romantic and/or sexual relationships are and be able to share that with someone to mindfully build the type of relationship that works for our hearts and lives.
I strongly believe this is an exciting opportunity in any relationship.
Whether you’re a monogamous couple hoping to make your relationship stronger or an individual or couple looking to explore non-monogamy, it takes A LOT of talking and patience to try something, share how you feel, and adjust. A skilled therapist can help facilitate and expedite these conversations.
So, how do you set yourself or your relationship up for success when it comes to exploring non-monogamy?
First of all, how secure are you in your current relationship(s)? If partnered, are there pain points that need to be healed before adding the complexity of another human to the mix? Trust me, adding someone else will highlight any cracks in the foundation and can turn them into chasms if not addressed. If single, how do you show up with people you’re dating or your friends? If your answer is “I don’t know” or “I tend to anxiously reach out” or “I avoid talking about feelings,” seeing a therapist can help you create more secure attachment for a healthy foundation upon which to expand your relationships.
Secondly, within the non-monogamy community, there’s A LOT of terms! And there are many different non-monogamy structures. This can feel overwhelming at first. Some are grade-school simple, such as the terms for relationship configurations. Others are more abstract, such as discussing hierarchy or the difference between boundaries and rules. Review some terms and maybe even re-write them how you would describe them. Then, discuss the terms with others/your partner to get a felt sense of how they perceive them. And read/listen to as many recent books as you can on the subject. I recommend Designer Relationships or Polysecure.
One thing I see a lot of people say about non-monogamy is that it’s not all about sex. In my experience as a Polyamorous person this is true. Sex is one aspect of the relationships. I see this statement as attempting to minimize the importance of and justify the enjoyment of sex. For some people, it might be all about sex. As long as there’s honesty going into a sexual context, that’s great! Others want no sex. That’s great, too! One beautiful thing about non-monogamy is it provides space for someone who is asexual or graysexual (having no or limited interest in engaging in sexual activities) to be in relationships that provide opportunity for sexual pleasure for their partner(s).
Identify for yourself and explore how transparent you want to be about this relationship style. While non-monogamy is becoming more common and more openly discussed, it is still a minority identity, which comes with its own fun brands of discrimination. This is something to be mindful of in how and with whom you share.
A few common dramas:
1. Starting from a deficit. While some preferences and activities can be supplemented with others who share those interests, if you have big relational needs that aren’t being met with your current partner, adding another person is more likely to hurt everyone involved. Find security on one relationship so you can start from a place of abundance.
2. Creating rules for the other person. Rules create power imbalance. Even if they initially agree, people tend to rebel against feeling controlled.
3. Going for a Triad immediately. Often this is, but not limited to, one male, two bisexual females. Regardless of sex and gender, this is relationships on HARD MODE. This configuration takes a lot of experience and communication skills to sustain. If you’ve already formed one and need support, I’m happy to work with more than two.
4. Trying to avoid or shame jealousy rather than processing it like any other emotion.
5. Fumbling information sharing: It’s important to know if and when your partner wants to be told about a new connection, a date, a physical escalation, etc.
6. Getting caught up in the NRE (New Relationship Energy) sauce. When you enter into a new relationship, your brain releases chemicals that have you mentally focused on and often physically craving that person. This can feel really yummy. It can also feel really threatening and overwhelming to an established partner.
7. Forecasting. Try your best not to predict the trajectory of a new connection. Instead, give updates as things occur. Often, how you expect a connection to evolve changes and then your partner might feel you’re not sticking to your word or intentions. This can erode trust and create insecurity.
What are potential benefits of exploring non-monogamy?
1. You get to know yourself, and possibly your partner, in a whole new way. Just like making new friends, you might discover a new hobby, media, recipe, etc. And, if your non-monogamy includes sex, you might discover new sexual preferences or kinks.
2. You will likely become a better communicator over time. Particularly about self-advocacy and consent. There are discussion groups and meet-ups for non-monogamous folks.
3. You will learn to process jealousy in healthier ways, learn to accept it, and possibly transform it into something else.
4. Not having to be everything to your partner. Don’t like seafood and your partner loves it? Guess what, they can go with someone else. Want to be spanked and your partner is uncomfortable? You can have someone else spank you! Experience desire discrepancy? This is an honest and ethical way to alleviate the pressure.
5. The world will become less black and white. You will increase your tolerance for diversity and uncertainty, which is uncomfortable yet really liberating and rewarding.
6. You might be able to find and build more community and chosen family.
My passion is to help people identify their authentic relationship needs, empower them to express that to others at their pace, and create the relationship structures that work for them. This includes every spectrum of gender, sex, and relationship style. Are you cis-gender, heterosexual, and monogamous? Great! Are you gender-fluid, queer, and polyamorous? Also, great! Are you questioning where you fall on these things? I’m here to help!
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am passionate about helping couples and individuals pause, evaluate, set goals, and heal. To set up your free phone consultation so we can determine fit, call (832) 827-3288. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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