Intentional Relationships: Collaborating on New Roles
Barring some futuristic advance in neurotransmission, we can only exist in our own heads and bodies. We bring our own neurobiology, physiology, and lived experiences creating unique mental models to every interaction. That's a long and fancy way of saying we are both the directors and stars of our own series, and we use the lens, sets, and angles we've got.
In many ways, we're writing stories all the time. Stories about why someone is cutting us off in traffic, why we haven't gotten a raise, why our partner has grown distant. We often inherit these stories, implicitly and explicitly from our family of origin. We might assume, and confidently so, exactly what's at the root of all of these circumstances and behaviors, because it fits the genre, plot, and character descriptions of our lives.
One of the common curiosities that fuels my career is who someone chooses for the role of partner, lover, boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, etc. Why were they cast? And what has the character developed into over time? Did they start out as a rom-com love interest and develop into a psychological thriller? Were they always one-dimensional or did they become that way over time? Type-cast to the point it's hard to imagine them showing up any other way.
You might or might not be surprised by how many couples come in looking for improvement in their relationship yet seem to cling to outdated and limiting beliefs about their partner's ability to show up differently. This can stem from self-consistency bias. You hold your character as fixed and theirs as well. You know, the "absolutes." You always, you never... This often results in a stuckness.
One of the first things I tell my clients is our work requires openness to relaxing that self-consistency bias and believing the other person can change.
A lot of times I notice both partners are making assumptions, creating stories, about the other person's character, motivations, and actions based on what they would do in that same situation. I'm certainly guilty of this and it's something I'm actively working on in my own relationships.
Are you on a sitcom?
You fall into re-runs with your partner that deeply entrench you in contempt, criticism, and hopelessness. You keep replaying the same fight scene over and over. Or maybe it's long scenes of tense silence. Or maybe it's stale jokes, lack of sharing beyond superficial check-in's, a gap in the bed that feels a mile wide. You watch Wanderlust and wonder, is that us?
Okay, so we're an un-funny sitcom, what do we do?
1. Be as honest as you can with the other person to get on the same page about what is and isn't working in the relationship. This is the first, often uncomfortable, step toward change.
2. Find help. Once you realize the recurring flat, intense, or exhausting exchanges you and your partner have been playing out, finding a couple’s counselor is an awesome step to changing the script. Like a reboot, couples sessions provide opportunity for the relationship to be reimagined and refreshed, with a new collaborator who truly wants to help achieve your vision. They can help you keep the pieces that feel iconic and inspiring and leave the repetitive fight scenes on the cutting room floor, or their office floor. They will see from different angles, suggest new settings, scripts, body language, and most importantly help you gain insight into the backstory and genuine motivations of yourself and your partner.
3. Be descriptive rather than prescriptive. Identify desired roles and expectations of those roles. Did you choose the role you're in, were you scouted, or did you kind of fall into it? Get clear with yourself and your partner what your expectations of Partner are. Are those expectations reasonable, healthy, sustainable? These are questions a third party can truly help clarify.
4. Try something out of character. Start small. If you tend to get defensive, take a breath and get curious. “What do you mean when you say that?” “What are you hoping to gain from sharing that?” How would you want me to respond when hearing that?” If you tend to zip-up, what many call stonewalling, due to emotional overwhelm, try un-zipping just a bit. This could look like more eye contact or sharing one or two emotions. Even saying you’re overwhelmed and need a break is a big step.
5. Find humor in the pendulum swing. Often, when we're working on adjusting behaviors to suit more harmony in our environment, we tend to overcorrect. If we were blowing up our partner's phone before, we might go silent for days. If we tended to be people pleasing, we might look for opportunities to assert ourselves. Try to view this as a natural part of trying to find balance and treat it with the same compassion of watching a child trying to learn how to tie their shoes or where or when to share their thoughts about others.
6. Get to know how your partner’s brain works. We tend to project how our brains work onto others and get frustrated and confused when they don’t operate how we would. There’s a lot of nerdy body-brain connection that goes into this. Ask your partner what happens in their brain when they do a discrete task, maybe reading or a work project. What do they notice in the same room as you? Also, if they have a diagnosis such as anxiety, depression, ADHD, Autism, etc. educate yourself on their diagnosis. If you understand more about the diagnosis, it’s much easier to understand, have compassion, and take it less personally.
7. Examine Relationship Identity. This is a big one. Are you or have you ever felt content in a long-term relationship? Have you felt compelled to flirt or more while in a committed relationship? Have you bounced from one relationship to the next? Do you experience intense connection and then it loses its luster quickly? These ways of being are not inherently bad yet can often be confusing for us and damaging to people we care for. Becoming aware of and identifying as a Polyamorous person helped me examine how I want to show up in relationships just as much as identifying what I want to do once I'm in one. I'm passionate about helping people identify and learn how to express their relationship identity and needs to collaborate from a place of shared understanding of differences and compatibility.
If all of any of these steps sound intimidating to do alone, you don’t have to. I’m here to support you through learning how to co-create more authentic and fulfilling expressions of connection and relationship roles.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am passionate about helping couples and individuals pause, evaluate, set goals, and heal. To set up your free phone consultation so we can determine fit, call (832) 827-3288. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
Interested in Meeting a Couples Therapist in League City, TX?
If you want to improve your relationship and reconnect with your partner, take action now and start being more curious about your relationship. At Center For Couples Counseling, one of our skilled couples therapists can help you and your partner navigate your challenges and rediscover the curiosity and passion that brought you together in the first place. Don't wait any longer to invest in the health and happiness of your relationship. To meet with a couples therapist follow these three simple steps:
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At Center For Couples Counseling, our team of skilled therapists understands that your relationship may be facing different challenges. In addition to couples therapy, our Texas practice offers individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!