The Role of Empathy in Relationship Repair
A primary reason why I focus on foundational communication practices prioritizing noticing, curiosity, and empathy prior to directly addressing hot-button topics is because, quite frankly, without these skills and practices, conflict resolution often becomes about being right over being connected. About being understood over understanding. About defensiveness over compassion. Often this means facts are argued and people are repeating themselves over again, talking over each other, no one is heard, and empathy is hiding under the couch.
What is Empathy and Why is it Important in Repair?
Empathy is the ability to actively listen to understand. It is the practice of putting aside your thoughts, explanations, and corrections… To fully absorb what things are like from the other person’s perspective and be able to tap into their human emotion, because you’ve likely felt that too. It’s a reciprocal practice. If you want empathy, if you want to feel understood, do what you can to understand the other person. If you’re doing that over and over again without reciprocation, get thee to a couple’s counselor. We can help.
Empathy is a skill that can be learned, practiced, and strengthened. I have seen it time and time again with my clients and it is so inspiring.
What promotes empathy when we’re expressing ourselves in conflict?
Positive Regard: A big piece of empathy is the ability to extend positive regard. One of the Four Horsemen of a relationship is contempt. Contempt is the opposite of empathy. It is a stance that actively doesn’t believe good motivations or potential for growth in the other person. Assume your partner is doing their best in each moment and that’s going to vary based on context. From there, get curious about their choices. Typically, people want to be in connection with their loved ones and don’t want to cause hurt.
Name it to tame it: The ability to identify and name our emotions, even to ourselves, has such a profound effect. If we can say we’re feeling hurt or angry, we are less likely to react in tone or non-verbal ways from that place and the other person is more likely to react to the content of your thoughts, than the undercurrent of emotions that might be in the driver’s seat. The emotions will certainly still be there. At least this way you’re all on the same page about them.
Active Listening: Agree on having time and space for one person to share and one person to only listen with no interruptions. I highly recommend setting a timer for this. Timers are magic and keep things more concise and “fair.” Then, reflect back what words you’re hearing them say rather than what you’re distilling through your filter. “I’m hearing you share…” Then, give the same amount of time and space for the other person to share about the topic from their perspective.
Truth Statements: If you’re the one sharing, share what happened in objective terms that could have been observed by a camera. Avoid assigning emotions or motivations to your partner. Doing so is what raises their defenses, and it becomes about their character rather than the thing that happened. Then, share your personal emotions about what happened. How you felt is valid and inarguable. Own it rather than putting it in the premise of the experience as if it’s fact. This often lands as an accusation.
EX: Accusation: “You disrespected and undermined me in front of everyone!”
Owning your truth: “When you interrupted me when I was explaining something to a friend/our child, I felt frustrated and belittled.”
Apply Positive Regard to their choice: Try to imagine the other person’s motivations through the lens that they were NOT trying to hurt you. “I imagine you interrupted me because you were excited or didn’t want to forget your thought.”
Positive Reinforcement: We’ve all heard of a compliment sandwich, and for good reason. When you’re sharing something hard with your partner, start with an appreciation for something they’ve done recently and/or their character. Share your truth statement. Then share a positive statement about believing in their respect for you and potential to do better as a team. You don’t have to be clear on the solution yet to express hope for finding one, which often aids in coming up with a solution!
Return to Feeling Statements: Say you’re doing all of these things and you’re feeling really clear and proud of how you’re expressing yourself, and the other person still gets defensive or tries to argue the facts, bummer right? When this happens, try your best not to get sucked back into arguing the facts. Instead say “Hearing that, I feel…” Again, they can’t argue your feelings. Often, it’s disarming to continue to share vulnerably, especially if you can keep your voice at its natural level. It’s the verbal equivalent of getting at eye level with an upset child and speaking softly (often our inner child comes out when we’re upset and that’s okay. Let’s show them compassion).
Empathy is a crucial component of repair. Often people place different weights on intentions and impact. Expressing and receiving empathy acknowledges impact & motivations in a way that connects to the deeper beliefs and wounds underneath the upset. If you can understand why and how something is upsetting to your partner, it’s easier to consider and be enrolled in adjusting behavior. If you or your partner is solution oriented, I assure you that having a deeper understanding of the feelings related to the conflict often provides an efficient and more elegant solution and creates a positive cycle of being able to find solutions as a team.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am passionate about helping couples and individuals pause, evaluate, set goals, and heal. To set up your free phone consultation so we can determine fit, call (832) 827-3288. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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