Fair Fighting in Couples Therapy: The Value of Giving Your Partner Space to Change
I cannot even count the amount of times that couples in my office have been exploring ways to increase communication, compassion, or intentionality in session and they tell me “We’ve already tried that”. On average, it takes a couple 6 long years to walk into a therapy office after realizing there is conflict or stress in an area of the relationship. So, yes - I totally believe that you have tried (at least) a few of these ideas-but stick with me!
The most important fact of the matter is that we are doing it differently this time around. This time, we are bringing intentionality into the mix. One thing we have to intentionally make space for in the relationship is change. We find ourselves so tight in our relationships that actually stepping back and giving our partner room to change a behavior is imperative to achieving actual progress.
When I am in session with a couple, I am able to see the patterns that have been built within the relationship and when we are able to interrupt those patterns, we can see some beautiful things happen. A great example of this is when couples are working on implementing our Fair Fighting Rules. If we assume our partner is not going to stop their bad habit of rule number 4: to not generalize or exaggerate, then we are not going to be intentionally looking for a place to respond differently. When they specifically DON’T generalize or exaggerate, they’ve done their part, and you have to do yours.
By giving each other space to change, couples have the opportunity to legitimately see new patterns emerge and each person responding in more adaptive and healthy ways. So if our partner typically says, “You NEVER help with A, B and C!” but they were intentional in this fight to say, “I am often doing A, B and C by myself, can you please help me with A and B?”, it’s important to recognize and respond to them respecting the Fair Fighting Rules they are working on.
By making room for each of you to behave and respond differently, couples are able to engage in other meaningful growth patterns more easily. For example, when couples are working on speaking each other’s love language, partners are required to actively feed off one another’s behaviors to build healthy habits of ensuring your partner feels love in the way that we intend to show it and that it is significant and resonates with them. Otherwise, what’s the point?
Sometimes it can feel difficult to allow yourself or the relationship to experience the level of vulnerability required for this process to be effective, and that is absolutely okay. If you aren’t ready to openly discuss that within the relationship, bring it into session so you can explore that feeling further with support! Typically, it IS actually uncomfortable to be vulnerable, but the idea is that our honesty and openness will be rewarded with our partner’s comfort in stepping into their own vulnerabilities. This is what kick-starts that positive cycle that brings forward progress.
When we are intentional with this work, we are able to apply this compassion to other areas of tension or stress within the relationship. This is a tool we work to keep front and center on the mighty toolbelt of skills we work on in session because it brings forward additional trust and love within the relationship.
Oftentimes there are different pieces of fine-tuning we find are necessary throughout couples therapy sessions together and these adjustments will apply to both partners at some point in our work together. When people are working hard to give space for change, both partners are able to develop and grow in a way that may not have existed before. The opportunity to further cultivate a healthy and happy relationship starts feeling more and more obtainable. Momentum is key, and each step leads to more of the more-in a good direction. Call us today to explore what making room for change in your relationship looks like!
My name is Jaimi Douthit and I’m a Licensed Professional Counseling Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I love working with couples and individuals who are ready and motivated to make changes in their lives and relationships, who can handle feedback and encouragement, and engage in using the tools I teach in therapy outside of the therapy room. At the Center for Couples Counseling, we specialize in couples therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum mood and anxiety disorders, self-care and burnout, and perfectionism. We help couples and individuals in the League City and Houston areas in person, and all residents of the State of Texas online. Call us at (832) 827-3288 to schedule a free phone consultation.
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We know relationships take a lot of hard work. But your relationship is important and deserves the effort. At Center for Couples Counseling we want to help you and your partner get back on the right track. To get started with in-person or online couples therapy follow these simple steps:
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At the Center for Couples Counseling, we understand you or your relationship may be facing different challenges. To help you work on yourself and your relationship, our Texas practice offers individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety, and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!