I’ve met a ton of people over the years who felt like they never needed to apologize for anything. I’ve never met anyone for whom this belief was true, or worked out well. Marriage and interpersonal relationships will inevitably experience conflict and misunderstandings. I tell my clients “conflict is not the enemy of your relationship, it’s how you go about conflict that’s the problem”.

The Center for Couples Counseling has shared many rules of fair fighting over the years on this blog, but I’ve never had a chance to write about apologies and forgiveness-until now. Taking accountability for our behavior when we’ve hurt our partner, intentionally or unintentionally, is essential.

AND, accountability alone is not enough. You must also apologize, express remorse, and ask for (and give) forgiveness for your wrongdoings. Trust me, this will go a long way in reconciling quicker, engaging in meaningful repair, and getting back to a place of harmony. Couples have the most fun in harmony, so why not head back there as easily as you can?

Apology and Forgiveness are tools that can change conflict from damaging to helpful. They create opportunities for growth, understanding, and forming a deeper connection between partners. For this fair fighting rule, I don’t want to only focus on how to de-escalate conflict but more on how apology and forgiveness can mend wounds, strengthen bonds, and get you to a place where you remember that you actually like each other.

The Art of Apology

An apology is an act of humility and a genuine expression of remorse, not simply admitting fault in a situation. We can all (and probably have all) give a half-assed apology for doing something we know isn’t right but we’re not yet ready to take a real look at it (or is that just me?). But a heartfelt apology leads to real healing for both partners, and reinforces your commitment to the relationship.

Here’s How to Apologize Effectively in a Marriage:

Acknowledge Your Mistake

Recognize what you did wrong and take responsibility for your actions. Be as specific as possible in labeling the hurt you caused (whether you agree the other person should be hurt or not).

Express Sincere Regret

Show genuine remorse for the pain you've caused. A simple "I'm sorry" is a great start, but only a start, you’ll need to do more.

Take Ownership

Your instinct may be to deflect blame and make a bunch of excuses. Excuses come across as minimizing and dismissive. Own up to your actions without justifying them. Get to a point where you can confidently say “I broke the egg”.

Make Amends

Offer to make things right and take steps to rectify the situation. Your willingness to correct your mistakes demonstrates your commitment to the relationship. Ask your partner open ended questions about what they need you to do to ease the tension.

Learn and Grow

Communicate your intention to learn from the situation and avoid repeating the same mistake. Discuss ways to prevent similar conflicts in the future. Navigating these situations together as a team is what will take you from “you and me” to “us”.

The Gift of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself and your partner. Forgiveness is a profound act of releasing resentment and actively choosing to let go of negative feelings and thoughts.

Here's How Forgiveness can be Fostered Within a Marriage:

Understand the Benefits

People are often resistant to forgive because they falsely believe granting forgiveness is condoning bad behavior or saying it’s ok. Forgiveness is accepting what has happened, understanding no one can change it, and actively deciding to free yourself from the burden of anger and resentment. It allows emotional healing for both partners.

Empathize

Try to understand your partner's perspective and the reasons behind their actions. This doesn't excuse their behavior, but it can provide context. Given the fact that you’ve chosen to love this person, there’s usually a way you can validate their thought process and feelings while still holding them accountable.

Release Resentment

Holding onto grudges and resentment only perpetuates the pain you and your partner feel. It’s easy to get stuck in resentment, and without movement in one direction or another, the relationship will be doomed. Let it go so you can grow together.

Communicate Your Feelings

Share your feelings of hurt and your process of forgiveness with your partner. Open dialogue fosters understanding and mutual healing. You can explore your feelings on your own first by journaling or with a therapist. Coming into this conversation completely unfiltered may backfire. It will be more productive if you can identify what’s really important and find a constructive way to communicate that to your partner.

Set Boundaries

After forgiveness, it's important to establish boundaries to prevent future recurrence. Healthy boundaries protect both partners and the relationship. I define boundaries as “what’s ok and what’s not ok”. It’s the easiest way to start deciding where the boundaries are.

The Dance of Apology and Forgiveness

Apology and forgiveness are intertwined steps in the dance of conflict resolution. When both partners are willing to apologize and forgive, they create a safe and nurturing space where vulnerability is valued, and mistakes are viewed as opportunities to learn and grow together.

Remember, the journey of apology and forgiveness is not always linear. It takes time, patience, and effort. Both partners need to be committed to the process of healing and transformation. By cultivating a culture of understanding, empathy, and mutual support, couples can strengthen their connection and build a resilient foundation for their relationship.

In a healthy relationship, partners are able to apologize and forgive readily because both partners recognize the amazing benefits of engaging in this dance. If done sincerely and authentically, these actions are powerful; you have the ability to heal, increase emotional intimacy, and feel connected with compassion. Sounds a whole lot better than sitting in a 3 hour marathon fight with both partners digging in their heels. Get over your pride, and courageously engage in a heartfelt apology combined with the beauty of forgiveness.

My name is Erika Labuzan-Lopez, LMFT-S, LPC-S and I’m the owner at the Center for Couples Counseling. I love using a variety of techniques to help couples learn why they move into childish spaces during conflict, how to put down those defenses for good, and what to do when you can’t access the tools you know will work to get out of conflict. I love working with couples and individuals to learn how to live in the world more relationally and engage in meaningful relationships. With over a decade of couples therapy experience, I am passionate about training and supervising therapists to become specialized in highly effective couples therapy. We see couples, individuals, and all residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule your FREE phone consultation.

Start Couples Therapy in League City, TX

Are you and your partner struggling with marital issues? Looking to build a strong and secure relationship? At Center For Couples Counseling, you and your partner can learn to reconnect, create a healthy relationship, and gain support from our skilled couples therapists. To get started with couples therapy follow these three simple steps:

Contact us to schedule an appointment
Meet with one of our caring couples therapists
Begin working on your relationship and reconnect with your partner.

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Fair Fighting in Couples Therapy: The Healing Power of Apologies and Forgiveness in Marriage