How to Navigate Traditions and Chosen Family this Holiday Season
Every year around Thanksgiving, my husband’s family debates exactly how we’re doing Christmas gifts. Secret Santa, white elephant, only for couples, only for kids, what’s the spending limit? Every year we have this conversation, every year it vacillates between some combination of these options, and every year we joke and complain about how we have this conversation every year.
Having married in and wanting to balance consideration and voicing my opinion, I think, and sometimes say some version of: “Can’t we just choose one tradition and stick to it? Can’t we create some amount of routine in an already hectic and pressure filled time? Can we not balance an evolving family structure with creating some consistency?” To this day the answer to those questions has been… some amalgam of needlessly complicated logic and a shrug. Over time, I have come to accept this. Is it frustrating sometimes? Absolutely. I’ve decided to frame this yearly ambivalence as a thing to joke about because I recognize it’s not overly dysfunctional and draining. I get to decide that and so do you.
I love my husband’s family. They have always included me, are kind, and welcoming. They have their quirks. Some are more frustrating than others. Luckily, my husband and I are aligned with how we approach the holiday season. In truth, the first phrase that came to mind was “deal with.” Because it can be an ordeal. We go into these festivities as a team. We find ways to joke about our zany families. To take little breaks together.
Each family and culture bring their own traditions to the proverbial table. These expectations, spoken and unspoken, are often passively accepted and sometimes loudly rebelled against. Are your family or your partner’s huggers or aloof? Loud or quiet? Nosy or disinterested? Do they gather at one location or have multiple gatherings? Do they sing, wear ugly sweaters? Do you always watch the same movie? Do you like it or tune out? Do you open presents one at a time or in a frenzy? Is there a designated person who passes out gifts? How many gifts are expected? Do you start at the same time each year or based on the kids’ nap schedules?
I really admire a colleague of mine for starting a tradition to take just their immediate family on vacation during Thanksgiving. They traded in the headache of who’s bringing what dish to which house and “can you believe what your cousin did?” for quality time with family that feels empowered and nourishing.
Particularly around this time of year, how we feel about family is reflected in the boundaries we do or don’t set and the families we choose. Having little in common with my oddly fractured biological family, during the holidays, I prioritize time with my chosen family. I go to multiple Friendsgivings and Yules. I cherish connecting with the people who are my confidantes, who accept and support me. We’re there because it feels sourcing. There’s little to no obligation or draining passive aggressive comments. And the process of deciding location, gifts, dishes, etc. feels more inclusive and democratic. Questions are met with answers, with “yes, and…” energy instead of shrugs or telling me to ask someone else.
In both navigating traditions and engagement with family, chosen or otherwise, I think it’s important to reflect on your values and feelings as well as those of your partner’s. If family is of high value, one might prioritize them despite personal misgivings. Broadly speaking, non-white cultures are more collective, which can create great support and potentially great enmeshment. If honesty is a high value, one might prioritize chosen family if one’s own bio fam are avoidant, repressive, catty, or deceitful…
Some questions to consider:
What are my feelings about and investment in the holidays? What are my partner’s?
What are my family’s holiday traditions?
Are they framed as traditions or routine? Is there ceremony or passivity?
What traditions do I feel excited about that we already do?
Do I feel safe or welcomed to offer a new tradition within my biological family? With my partner(s)? With their family?
When I’m with my family during holiday gatherings, how do I typically feel in my body? In my core emotions? Do I have recurring thoughts?
Do I feel invited, eager, included? Do I feel obligated, resentful, othered?
What can I or my partner(s) do to lighten the mood or signal to take a break or support?
The main thing I want to impart is that you and your partner get to decide how much external pressure is serving you this and all holiday seasons. You don’t have to only conform or rebel. It is possible to balance your own desires and capacity with how much you want to buy into other peoples’ expectations. Who and whatever you choose to prioritize is about sustainability. If it feels good, try new traditions, spend time with friends, set a new boundary. Let go of perfection. Your time and energy matters. Your mental health matters.