Exploring Desire Discrepancy: Understanding and Resolving Differences in Libido
Are you and your partner feeling out of sync when it comes to intimacy? Specifically sexual intimacy? You’re not alone. Humans are unique in that we attach meaning to the act of sex and sexuality. Couples are affected physically, emotionally, relationally, and psychologically by their sex lives and the importance put upon sexual desire. I’ve seen many couples over the years who struggle with desire discrepancy, or differences in libido, and by the time they come to therapy they are often exhausted and disconnected in all realms of intimacy.
When one partner has a higher sex drive than the other, it can lead to frustration, misunderstandings, and tension in the relationship. Communication breaks down as discomfort grows, until dealing with desire discrepancy head on seems impossible. For most difficult issues, the “only way out is through” and sexual issues are no different. There is a path to greater understanding and resolve if you work together to get better.
Understanding Desire Discrepancy
Desire discrepancy refers to the difference in sexual desire between partners. One partner may have a high libido, craving more intimacy and sexual activity, while the other may have a lower libido, feeling less inclined towards sex. This gap can stem from stress, hormonal changes, relationship dynamics, past experiences, and even cultural influences.
A common misconception is that the lower desire partner has no desire for sex; they may even communicate that to their spouse or in couples therapy. That’s usually not true; the desire does exist but it has to be discovered and harnessed. The higher desire partner usually doesn’t just want sexual activity of any kind, they seek feeling wanted and desired. These two drives don’t have to oppose each other if partners learn how to work together to create a sex life both people enjoy.
The Sexual Dance Between Partners
Much like tracking the cycle of conflict and figuring out the communication dance we use to engage with our partners, we also engage in a sexual dance - everyone has their role to play. A distancer/pursuer dynamic emerges as the higher desire partner (pursuer) wants more attention and the lower desire partner (distancer) seeks more autonomy.
As the pursuer (often unintentionally) increases the pressure, the distancer’s sexual desire decreases. The distancer’s focus shifts to meeting the needs of the pursuer in an effort to reduce the pressure, and they put their own needs and wants on the backburner. Sex becomes a chore, another thing on the to-do list, and the distancer does whatever is necessary to complete the task.
Then the next step in the dance, the pursuer becomes lonelier as time goes on, their need to connect increases, and they grow insecure at the perceived rejection. The more insecure they feel, the more pressure they assert. But when the pursuer can tell sex is being treated like a duty, they become more attached to the story that their partner is placating them and doesn’t really want/desire them, aren’t attracted to them, or perhaps doesn’t really love them. Conflict inevitably increases as this dance continues and intensifies over time.
How Couples Therapy Helps to Resolve Desire Discrepancy
Open Communication
To move out of an undesirable dance into a healthier pattern, partners need to engage in open and honest communication, developing acceptance and empathy for each other’s positions. The higher desire partner will need to practice emotional regulation skills when they feel rejected while the lower desire partner can engage in a bid for connection while maintaining boundaries.
Both partners will need to learn how to express their needs explicitly, while remaining patient and open to exploring sex together. Set aside dedicated time to have these conversations when you’re not distracted. Enter these conversations with an open mind and free from judgment or defensiveness.
Explore Root Causes
There are many factors that could be contributing to differences in libido, and it’s essential that you have the skills to listen to one another and explore where some of these feelings and behaviors come from. Current stressors are likely a factor to consider, such as work stress, hormone levels, relationship injuries, or family dynamics. However, getting an idea of each of your sexual histories, messages that were communicated about sex as you were growing up, and family of origin attitudes towards sexuality can be invaluable as you’re trying to navigate desire discrepancy.
Prioritizing Intimacy and Making Compromises
Intimacy goes far beyond just sex. Connection is often what both partners are really seeking, there’s simply different paths to get there. You can focus on emotional and physical closeness through gestures like hugging, cuddling, kissing, and non-sexual touch. Small acts or a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions can deepen relational connection between partners. In order to prioritize intimacy in a way that is flexible and works for both of you, compromise will be essential. It’s not realistic or necessary for partners to match each other’s libido entirely, but discussing the frequency and types of intimacy can bridge the gap and help couples navigate these issues with nuance and openness.
If you are going to face desire discrepancy anyway, you may as well make it a fulfilling sex dance. Engage in a safe space that allows for honesty, acceptance, and non-judgment and everyone will feel connected and attuned. Understanding each other at the deepest levels and identifying roots of sexual beliefs/behaviors are the path to make all types of intimacy a top priority. And let me tell you, it can be really sexy.
My name is Erika Labuzan-Lopez, LMFT-S, LPC-S and I’m the owner of the Center for Couples Counseling. I love using a variety of techniques to help couples learn why they move into childish spaces during the conflict, how to put down those defenses for good, and what to do when you can’t access the tools you know will work to get out of conflict. I love working with couples and individuals to learn how to live in the world more relationally and engage in meaningful relationships. With over a decade of couples therapy experience, I am passionate about training and supervising therapists to become specialized in highly effective couples therapy. We see couples, individuals, and all residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule your FREE phone consultation.
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