What baggage are you carrying around from your past relationships? Most people recognize that some of the struggles in their current relationship are carryovers from previous experiences. The ghosts of relationships past can haunt current relationships if left unaddressed.

But how can you address your ghosts and learn to let them go? Afterall, you’ve gotten pretty used to being haunted. There’s a confusing grief that occurs as you explore leaving behind unhealthy patterns when that chaos feels more comfortable to you at the same time. We often feel more settled engaging in something unhealthy and familiar as opposed to something healthier but unknown.

Acknowledge the Ghosts and Communicate Honestly

The first step in dealing with the ghosts of relationships past is acknowledging that they exist. You may understand and observe how your current relationship is being affected, but without putting some words around your ghosts it will be difficult to understand the impact on your current functioning.

Your past has taught you valuable lessons, and just because you’re afraid of your ghosts doesn’t mean you shouldn’t face them. “Name it to tame it,” as Brene Brown says. A therapist can help you identify all your past ghosts so you can eventually ghostbuster the shit out of them.

Communicate Honestly-Inside and Outside of Couples Therapy

The number one reason people call my office looking to start couples therapy is communication problems. You know communication is key in having a healthy relationship, but do you even know what that means? Most of the time I don’t. My clients and I have to conceptualize together how to discuss difficult topics, specifically positive and negative experiences in the past.

I believe it’s important to be brutally honest in your relationship, which has nothing to do with being brutal. To communicate honestly about the ghosts you’ve now identified and put words to, you have to be vulnerable with your partner and share the good, the bad, and the ugly. Let’s take a good hard look at those ghosts-embarrassing moments, fears, insecurities, pain, and sources of shame. You’ll find that connecting in this way, sharing your ghosts with honesty and loving kindness, you’ll feel closer to your partner than ever. Your couples therapist will guide this conversation in session so that you and your partner can master how to talk about hard things outside of session.

Identify Patterns

One of the most valuable things you can get out of identifying and discussing your ghosts of relationships past is not repeating unhealthy patterns. Identifying negative patterns and behaviors that have emerged from your past experiences can help you learn to recognize your triggers, notice feelings in your body that indicate something isn’t right or well, and help you learn how to feel safe and secure. Break free from those ghosts by changing your responses and relationship dynamics-the ghosts will appreciate it too.

Practice Acceptance and Forgiveness

In order to send our ghosts on their merry way, we have to accept why they’re there and extend forgiveness, either to ourselves, the other party, or both. People often unintentionally keep their ghosts around because they have not forgiven things that happened in the past, and any horror movie will tell you the ghosts will stick around until their unfinished business is resolved.

Many of my clients are resistant to engaging in forgiveness because they feel like giving forgiveness is saying the past transgressions were ok. People often want to keep the ghosts around as a source of perceived protection when in fact, those ghosts carry the heavy burden of resentment and grudges. Letting them go is liberating. We can accept what happened in the past, hold people accountable, know that we will not allow ourselves to be treated that way again, and move forward. This is the process of forgiveness; it’s not about excusing the wrongdoings of the past but releasing their hold on your present.

Set Boundaries

Now that you understand the ghosts, why they’re sticking around, and you’ve processed enough to let them go through forgiveness, it’s time to set some boundaries. You are now aware of what you want and don’t want in your current relationship, and you acknowledge the behaviors that you will no longer tolerate. It’s a delicate balance to work with your current partner in establishing healthy boundaries.

You’ll have the desire to protect yourself from old patterns so those ghosts don’t come back to haunt you, but you also need to give your new partner trust and space to navigate with you. After all, your partner has a whole other set of ghosts to contend with. Boundaries are the “what’s ok and what’s not ok” things in the relationship. As long as they are clear, agreed upon, and flexible enough to adapt when needed, your boundaries will provide security and clarity, eliminating the need for those pesky ghosts.

Overcoming the ghosts of relationships past is hard work. I mean, how many Ghostbuster movies are there? Now that you’ve lightened the burden of carrying the past around with you, you can shift to focusing on the present. Concentrate on the love, joy, and happiness that you can cultivate and grow together with your partner to build a stronger, more resilient bond.

My name is Erika Labuzan-Lopez, LMFT-S, LPC-S and I’m the owner at the Center for Couples Counseling. I love using a variety of techniques to help couples learn why they move into childish spaces during conflict, how to put down those defenses for good, and what to do when you can’t access the tools you know will work to get out of conflict. I love working with couples and individuals to learn how to live in the world more relationally and engage in meaningful relationships. With over a decade of couples therapy experience, I am passionate about training and supervising therapists to become specialized in highly effective couples therapy. We see couples, individuals, and all residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule your FREE phone consultation.

Start Couples Therapy in League City, TX

Are you and your partner struggling with marital issues? Looking to build a strong and secure relationship? At Center For Couples Counseling, you and your partner can learn to reconnect, create a healthy relationship, and gain support from our skilled couples therapists. To get started with couples therapy follow these three simple steps:

Contact us to schedule an appointment
Meet with one of our caring couples therapists
Begin working on your relationship and reconnect with your partner.

Other Services Offered At Center For Couples Counseling

Our team understands your relationship might be facing different challenges. So our Texas practice offers other therapies to help you face these challenges. Other services include individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!

Scary Things in Relationships: Banishing the Ghosts of Relationships Past