Scary Things in Relationships: Unmasking the Real Issues in Your Relationship
As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I am trained to stay more global and not get heavily absorbed into the mundane details of a couples argument. Let me explain-if someone is coming into session complaining about how their partner doesn’t help with the dishes or other household chores, we don’t focus on the dishes (necessarily!). We have a way of going deeper into the real issue at hand.
Don’t get me wrong, responsibility for daily chores can bring resentments into the relationship. However, when we explore further, one partner is generally feeling alone in the relationship and feels like they have to be the main support system for the family. We can’t fix a problem by looking at it superficially.
What's underneath? Generally, when our grace or flexibility with our partner struggles, it’s because we have been feeling a lack of attunement. Examine the following three areas in your relationship to avoid looking at issues superficially.
What is your partner needing out of this interaction?
Sometimes a partner’s needs are pretty self explanatory. “I need you to pick up our child at 5pm”. Done. Other times, your partner is not feeling the connection and utilizes creative ways to get it. For example, the wife is sick of having to tell her husband what to do. She would like him to take more ownership of the household needs without her direction.
After further exploration, the husband admits to enjoying being told what to do and he feels like he’s getting attention from her in those moments. Both partners have different perspectives and they’re not necessarily right or wrong, but there are definitely better ways of connecting that take the wife out of the motherly role and more into a wife role. Such a great starting off point for embracing ways to be more mindful for connection.
Am I showing up for my partner?
It’s one thing to do all the “things” for your partner. You feel so accomplished for knocking out that “honey do” list, huh? However, are you producing an environment that lets your partner know you are there for them emotionally? Again, deeper….. Are you noticing that they seem to need your support getting through a difficult time?
It feels really amazing to have your partner look at you and say, “What’s up? You seem to be struggling with something. I’m here!” I have noticed a lot of my high achieving couples struggle with this. Their determination and intellectual background has served them well in their careers, but their relationships can fall by the wayside. Most of these people love their spouses but struggle with slowing down and being mindful of their connection with their partner.
Noticing patterns of conflict?
I have some couples that show up to counseling sessions saying that they have a pretty solid relationship but have noticed that they are blowing up with the little things and can’t understand why. In therapy, they start to notice patterns of where this is emerging from. Often, it’s resentments or unmet needs that surface. We use this revolution to refine new behaviors and to create more space for true feelings.
Most of us know that a fight is never about what it’s about. Everything stems from somewhere. Ignoring and rolling over our real issues is never helpful and will only lead to increased conflict and problems later in the relationship. Use these simple questions to have a discussion with your partner and see where you’re both at. You’ll find that these conversations often open up new things you have yet to discover about your partner, and that’s pretty cool too.
My name is Jennifer Anderson and I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapy Associate and a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate with the Center for Couples Counseling. I love working with couples who are looking to build strong and secure relationships, who are ready to take accountability for their own actions, and who are willing to make changes and increase vulnerability to grow closer and enhance the connection in their relationship. I help couples and individuals in the League City, Kemah, and Houston, Texas areas, and residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule a free 15 minute consultation. I’d love to help!
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