Partnering with ADHD: It's Deeper Than Distraction
Does your partner, child, or family member over-promise and under-deliver? Do they often confuse 5 minutes for an hour? Do they constantly lose track of items or important events? Do they get super jazzed about a new hobby or career path only to abandon it within days or weeks? Do they have really big, transient, sometimes confusing feelings? Do they constantly apologize and seem stuck in a Groundhogs Day of behaviors?
Do they also have a nearly uncanny ability to tell how you're feeling and help you feel so seen? Do they surprise you with their memory of relationship nuances? Do they have an irresistible charm, tell captivating stories, and makes you laugh like no other? Do they have a bunch of really creative ideas and inspire unpredictable adventures? Do they possess a seemingly endless supply of hope?
It's possible, and if you were a yes to a majority of these, quite likely, they have ADHD. Yes, it's very real. And the name is a misnomer. Why? Because their brain does not have a deficit of attention. It has inconsistent, unbridled, expansive attention, that when accepted, appreciated, and channeled, is a glorious gift.
Maybe you're neurotypical or have an acronym or a few of your own. Either way, while ADHDers can bring unparalleled joy and connection, their symptoms can be really frustrating and cause a lot of relational strife if not approached mindfully.
I'm not going to tell you how to help them budget, convince them out of passions, or any ways to fix them. They can't try their way out of a neurological disability anymore than I, as a Type 1 Diabetic, can try my way to an insulin-producing pancreas. Trying to “fix” them is ableist and would be echoing and reinforcing every person who has rolled their eyes, sighed, yelled, shamed, or abused them because they don't fit a world administrated by neurotypicals. I say administrated because many inventors, athletes, artists, entertainers, and leaders had/have ADHD. Instead, I'm going to ask you to do something that might sound counterintuitive, and I certainly struggled with at first. I'm going to ask you to accept them exactly as they are and brainstorm WITH them what accommodations are helpful.
This will benefit not only your loved one and connection, but also help you have more compassion for your own struggles.
How can I understand them and have a better relationship?
1. Educate yourself. If your loved one has ADHD, or other mental health diagnoses, read or listen to content about it. At least one book or follow one content creator who actually has it. This will give you more insight, understanding, and compassion for them. I'll add some of my favorite resources at the end.
2. Don't take it personally. This was one of the hardest beliefs for me to break. We're taught that if you care about something, you don't forget. If he cared, he would text back. Well, that's not how Alzheimer's or Autism works and it's not how ADHD works either. When they promise something, they 110% care and mean it. Then, it's out of their brain. If you've ever seen Ralph Breaks the Internet, their brain is the scene when they first enter and everything is whooshing around. Have you ever walked into a room and forgotten why you went in, what you were looking for? Have you ever woken up somewhere foreign and didn't know what day or time it is? That's their experience pretty much all the time. They did not choose how their brain is wired any more than you did. They are not choosing to forget to text back, be on time, get you a gift, etc. If you give grace and offer teamwork rather than criticism, you'll see the lessened pressure and stress will help them remember!
3. Remember emotions are temporary. ADHDers have big feelings about things real and imagined. This is partially neurological due to a lack of blood flow to the parts of the brain that help regulate emotions with logic, and partly as a coping mechanism to prepare for people being upset or things going sideways. This can be really confusing from the outside. Their emotions might seem sudden or disproportionate. And, it's their reality. As long as they aren't being mean or violent, hold or give space for them to move through it. Resist the urge to point out why their reaction doesn't make sense. It will pass and the thing or their reaction will change. Ask them how to support them during those times. If you need to learn self or co-regulation skills, we're here to help.
4. Discuss each of your strengths and desired roles. Your partner might not be a rockstar at admin. What are their superpowers? Where do each of you shine? Maybe they’re great at telling stories, so you do bath time and they can do bedtime. Maybe they can help you brainstorm a fun trip and you handle the planning. Maybe they love cooking as long as you’re there reading the recipe. Release the idea of 50/50 input and embrace equity. And give each other props for the ways you support each other.
5. Collaborate on accommodations. Accommodations are an abling NOT enabling factor. Rather than chastising, passive aggressive comments, or doing things for them, get curious about the best way to support them. Don't get into a power struggle because your way makes the most sense to you. Don't get caught in the trap of "why won't they just try harder?" I promise they’re trying. If they struggle with time-blindness, ask the best way to remind them how long something will take. If they often lose their keys or wallet, have spares, keep their important cards somewhere else. If there's an important event coming up, remind them and find ways to have it be visible. If they get stuck on household care, help them break it up into steps and offer to show them how or body-double while they do it. Simply being in the room is often all they need. Think of reminding as combining love languages of Acts, Words, and Gifts. Remember to separate capacity from care. I promise they want to be there for your anniversary dinner and reminding them is your way of loving both of you well.
6. Dream and brainstorm with them. When they get a new brilliant idea that seems ill-timed, expensive, or in any way unattainable, resist the urge to point those things out right away. Instead, go with them on the dopamine seeking journey of dreaming what it would be like. Simply doing this might be all they need to get the dopamine hit. Come up with agreements to not act on the idea straight away. If they bring it up again, that's when you go over the practicalities of putting it into action. Sometimes, their idea will be exactly the magic your home, community, or the world needs.
7. Let some words and phrases go. Don't latch on to everything they say as if their solid truth. Sometimes, my partner or client will say something that seems odd, extreme, or out of character. Almost always when I investigate it further, they didn't mean it or the opposite is true for them. I call these "throw away lines." I have a partner who often says "no" as their first response to a question or idea. I used to feel annoyed and attribute this to a defensive strategy or attachment stuff. Same with interrupting. I used to think this was a product of the ego. I now realize these are impulses of ADHD and their way to connect before they lose the thought.
8. Come up with reward systems. Celebrate the hell out of their little wins! Their brains crave praise, even if they outwardly distrust or awkwardly receive it. Give encouragement for tasks they learn and do smoothly, regardless of how simple you think the task might be. Come up with a dopamine hit of chocolate, watching a favorite show together, whatever they like.
9. Find the humor. Come up with ways to laugh with your person about their symptoms. Separate their behavior from their character. If my partner says something will take 5 minutes (that seems to be the magic number for many of them) I'll ask is that my time or [their name here] time?" Come up with nicknames for their different states or losing things. Humor is a great antidote for shame!
10. Have honest check-in's about how they lust and love. Because of their craving for variety and the high of falling in love and pleasure seeking, your ADHDer will form many crushes and/or might have hypersexuality. This is very likely not because they're falling out of love with you or aren't attracted. I wrote a blog on limerence, the clinical term for new relationship energy, that describes the way neurotypicals experience connection hormones. Well, for your ADHDer, this could be tenfold. How do you navigate this? Make a joke like "who did you fall in love with today?" If their heart feels understood and it can be light and accepted, they are more likely to be honest and not act on their feelings. If you need help discussing intimacy and desire discrepancy, we're here to help!
11. Come up with strategies for hyperfocus. ADHDers cannot choose when they hyperfocus or even what on, necessarily. Sometimes, they can seem like a train barreling down to tracks to do a task that might not be needed in the moment. What one client’s partner referred to as “Zooming.” Alternatively, they might hole up in a caffeine strewn cave. If you need to stop the train or pull them out of the cave, ask them what helps. TIP: Anything that is jarring to at least one sense. It could be a type of touch, flashing the lights, turning on a specific song, using an ice cube on their skin, an essential oil or another cup of coffee, etc. Brainstorm with them timing of when to let them do their thing and how you can get their attention if you really need to.
12. Help them with boundaries and accountability. Many people with ADHD also experience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). They are people-pleasers to the max. The combination of time-blindness and so desperately wanting to be not disappoint someone again, means they can easily over-extended themselves. Check-in about the best ways to reflect when they say “Absolutely!” and don’t do it, then try to hide. Also reflect others' treatment if it seems they're being taken advantage of, give reassurances of why you value their character, and remind them to prioritize themselves. Because they struggle with shame spirals, they can sometimes avoid naming a mis-step and they might not be able to recognize how to make things better. Help them to identify what they’re apologizing for and offer ideas while inviting theirs for handling things differently going forward.
13. Speak openly about their mental health. ADHD people are 5x more likely to attempt suicide, based on the practical and relational consequences of their symptoms. It's so much more than not being able to 'focus.' It's the toll of feeling and being told they're disappointing, lazy, inadequate that create the deepest wounds. This is why acceptance and compassion are key to loving your ADHDer and your relationship with them well.
14. Discuss treatment options with them. Openly discuss what diagnosis would mean to them. Diagnosis takes a lot of administrative steps and may be very daunting for them both practically and emotionally. Though medication is the top rated treatment by adult ADHDer’s, it’s certainly not a silver-bullet. Mindfulness and other practices help. If there’s something they can do, with help, to potentially make both of your lives easier, see if they’re open to try.
15. Take care of yourself. If you are stretched thin with logistics or uncertainty, you’re not alone. Find activities to blow off steam, connect with others, or have time for yourself that doesn’t require coordination with others.
If you read all of this and are thinking this is a lot of work you’re putting in to understand and accommodate them, you’re right! Navigating their symptoms can be exhausting and frustrating. I totally get it. It’s certainly not one-sided. Ask them to put in effort in attainable ways. Hopefully, some of these steps will help you strategize areas for improvement. If you need tools to teamwork together, we’re here!
Resources:
I HIGHLY recommend the books Dirty Laundry & Small Talk by Richard Pink & Roxanne Emery/Pink
https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/adhd-emotions-how-they-affect-your-life/
https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/i-have-adhd-need-support/?ecd=wnl_additude_240910_cons_adhd_adult&goal=0_d9446392d6-183925637a-325088725
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am an LGBTQ+ person and professional passionate about helping couples and individuals find empowerment in their lives and relationships. If you’re looking to grow with new tools and humor, call (832) 827-3288 to set up your free phone consultation. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
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