Healing Together: The Power of Relationships to Transform Trauma
All of our emotional wounds happen in relationships. What we believe about ourselves, what we believe is possible, our resources, are created by our early caregivers, family, friends, and communities.
Trauma exists on a spectrum and often we have a unique cluster of traumas. These could be "capital T traumas" of loss, abandonment, injury, disability, and assault or "lower case t traumas" such as consistently feeling ignored, bullied, being compared, picked last, being lied to, and being invalidated.
Because traumas begin in the container of relationship(s), they can also be healed in the container of relationship(s).
I get it, if you’ve been consistently hurt, and maybe you're still with someone who is triggering pain, it seems completely illogical to let people in enough to hurt you again. If they use what you’ve shared as a weapon instead of a care label, that’s where a couple’s therapist can help them recognize the pain they’re causing, how to correct it, and help you recognize your worth.
When Your Partner Rubs Against Early Wounds
What complicates it further is that we're often reacting to the trauma from the age and internal state we were in when it first occurred. When our partner, family member, or friend does something that rubs against the initial wound, we often take it personally and take a self-protective stance. Meanwhile, your partner who might have a similar trauma or a complementary one, does the same and you're locked in a stalemate of hurt feelings and raised walls.
I’ve had several clients tell me about some deep trauma related to touch, intimacy, violations of autonomy, and more. I am honored they feel safe enough to confide in me. When I ask if their partner knows about the trauma, I often hear they don’t know at all, or they only vaguely know something bad happened.
I want to be REALLY clear that when and with whom you share traumatic experiences is completely up to you.
Why Sharing with Your Partner Can Help
That said, if your partner is completely unaware or only partially aware of what specifically hurt you, they might unknowingly be re-wounding you. This is especially common when people aren’t educated on consent and there was an early consent violation in your life. This is especially common when people aren’t taught how to effectively apologize and continue to repeat harmful behaviors and apologize in a way that doesn’t land.
Acknowledge & Apologize
A lot of people who were neglected, belittled, abused might have heard “I’m sorry” before or during a painful behavior or experience, which sends a mixed message. If they heard it after with no change in the other person’s actions, it became an empty gesture and resolved nothing. “I’m sorry” might actually trigger a fear that the other person is likely to hurt them again in the exact same way or they don’t mean it.
An effective apology and consideration of avoiding certain triggers is a huge opportunity to have what’s called in the therapy biz, a “corrective experience.” This is an opportunity to heal through someone being mindful of where and why it hurts and actively taking steps to mend the pain.
This could look like acknowledging an action and its impact, checking for how your partner feels about what occurred, empathizing from your own life experience or a time you’ve felt similarly, genuinely apologizing, and stopping or changing that action. When it comes to trauma, little or big T, the pieces of empathy and planned and effectuated change are HUGE.
Small Gestures, Big Impact
Growing up, I had relational trauma of often not receiving a response when I talked to my parents. They owned their own business, worked hard, and were often distracted with work thoughts. I understand. And it still hurt. Over time, I stopped sharing as much of my thoughts, interests, and feelings with them. When I started seeing my now husband at 18, I felt so exquisitely attended to. He reflected my words, responded relatively quickly to my messages, asked my opinion, and noticed when I was wearing something new. His presence began to heal the younger parts of me that believed what I said didn’t matter. He showed me I do matter, and he enjoys listening to me.
I’ve done a lot of work on the part of me that felt ignored as a child, and it still shows up with certain people and interactions. I can be honest about that wound and clear about my needs. And I’m only able to do that because my adult relationships taught me that my need to be heard is valid. They gave me confidence to advocate for my heart.
My dearest wish for you is that you find a person and a space to share your specific wounds and needs and that they show up for you to transform your trauma into trust.
My name is Sky Yeater and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at the Center for Couples Counseling. I am passionate about helping couples and individuals pause, evaluate, set goals, and heal. To set up your free phone consultation so we can determine fit, call (832) 827-3288. Our Center serves couples and individuals in League City and Houston, Texas and all residents of Texas online!
Interested in Meeting a Couples Therapist in League City, TX?
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Other Services Offered at Center for Couples Counseling
At Center For Couples Counseling, our team of skilled therapists understands that your relationship may be facing different challenges. In addition to couples therapy, our Texas practice offers individual therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum anxiety and depression counseling, therapy for self-care and burnout, and therapy for perfectionism. For more about us check out our FAQs and blog!