Are You Hearing Your Partner?

I will never forget throwing my husband a surprise birthday party after he specifically asked for no surprise parties.  He tried his hardest to get into it and to be thankful, but at the end of the day, I should have listened.  To add insult to injury, some friends clashed, and it was a disaster. 

I’m going to blame it on being newly married and thinking I knew what was best for my husband, despite his honesty.  Lesson learned.  In couples therapy, I often discuss the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  The five love languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.  These are basically a way of understanding what contributes to a stronger connection with your partner.  

I don’t know how many times a partner will say that they are trying to show love by utilizing their own preferred love language.  For example, one partner prefers physical touch, and he/she immerses her partner with holding hands, hugs, and back rubs.  Unfortunately, their partner's biggest need is words of affirmation.  

This disconnect often pushes the other partner away from wanting to connect.  It highlights to them how much their partner doesn’t care about their needs.  And they are so confused as to why their partner doesn’t want to be physically intimate.  Whether you are trying to plan a special Valentine’s Day, birthday, or other celebration, let’s discuss ways that show your partner that you are listening to what they desire.  

1. Focus on Your Partner’s Desires

Set aside some time to focus on your partner's desires.  If you haven’t taken the Love Language quiz, you are missing out.  This has the potential to really help you understand your partner in a different way.  It also feels a lot less anxiety ridden when picking out a gift or planning a date.  For example, if you know your partner's love language is spending quality time, maybe you plan a weekend trip away from the kids, instead of an actual gift to be unwrapped.

2. Notate Past Conversations

Does your partner keep talking about wishing he/she didn’t’ have to waste so much money on frequent Starbucks trips?  Maybe you could investigate some new fancy espresso machine for the house.  My point is, you are being mindful and present when your partner discusses his/her desires and wishes.  Sometimes it looks like notating this on your phone or journal. 

3. Limit Mind Reading

When I threw my husband a surprise party, I thought, I think he just doesn’t want to put extra work on me.  He really wants this but is just too humble to have anyone make a fuss out of him.  Wrong! He just didn’t want a surprise party.  It’s like, words mean something.  Who knew?!  He prefers quality time and I should have done something more lowkey with just us.  Now, I do get clients, usually females, that want their spouse to magically know all their wishes and desires.  While this seems amazing and special, it usually leaves room for assumptions that don’t go the way you want.  So my challenge to you is, if you have a desire or wish, talk about that with the person you love. 

We live in a culture where big grand gestures are prioritized and then bragged about on social media.  Don’t let other people’s desires cloud your thoughts about what your partner would love.  Be present!

My name is Jennifer Anderson and I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapy Associate and a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate with the Center for Couples Counseling. I love working with couples who are looking to build strong and secure relationships, who are ready to take accountability for their own actions, and who are willing to make changes and increase vulnerability to grow closer and enhance the connection in their relationship. I help couples and individuals in the League City, Kemah, and Houston, Texas areas, and residents of Texas online. Call (832) 827-3288 to schedule a free 15 minute consultation. I’d love to help!