Scary Things in Relationships: The Haunting of Unrealistic Expectations
“No arguing is a sign of a good relationship”. “My partner should know everything that I’m thinking and feeling”. “We will spend all our free time together”. “I can change that thing about him/her”. “Our sex life will be perfect”. “My partner can be everything to me, they’re all I need”. Eek, look at how many unrealistic expectations people have when going into marriage; now that’s scary!
There are many times in our couples counseling sessions where we discover that one or both partners have unrealistic expectations within their relationship and of their partner. These unrealistic expectations haunt relationships and build resentment, leading to disappointment, frustration and unhealthy behaviors.
In reality, oftentimes, we don’t even recognize our expectations as unrealistic which is why it feels so easy to hold onto them!
Unrealistic expectations can look a variety of ways; the expectation of mind reading, perfectionism, or that a couple always has to agree on a topic, to name a few. We and our partners are flawed human beings and that is okay.
Now is the time to move forward from your unrealistic expectations, make some adjustments, and discuss the new healthy and realistic expectations that the relationship will hold.
Some adjustments may include the expectation of being the priority in our partner’s life and having our partner’s undivided attention 24/7 or that there is no conflict allowed within the relationship. We are going to need to do our own things sometimes, focus on something outside of the relationship, and we are definitely going to come across conflict… because we are prioritizing communication and honesty and sometimes that comes with conflict! Conflict is also okay.
As individual people participating in a relationship, there are going to be priorities, commitments, and schedules that may not align with your partner’s needs. It is important to work through that and it is unrealistic to expect our partner to be perfectly available to us every time we feel they are needed.
Sometimes we have unrealistic physical expectations like maintaining a specific physical appearance and fitness level. The reality is that humans age, go through different life experiences and traumas, and that looks different for everyone.
Well, what does this all mean? It means it is time to prioritize the super skills that you have been working so hard on! You are going to communicate, empathize, actively listen and prioritize patience with your partner. It is okay if this process takes time.
Compassion and communication goes a long way when we are processing through the unrealistic expectations within our relationships.
Without being able to have the hard conversations, the power of our false expectations leads to resentment and bitterness. There’s no scarier place to be than a household where everyone is walking on eggshells, afraid to make the wrong decision or do something that will agitate their partner. One person explodes, and now things are escalating.
If each partner had a mutual understanding of what the expectations are and a commitment to whether you can meet them or not, so many of these problems could be resolved and there’d be no need to tip toe around anything. It would be agreed upon. The feeling that you have no idea what to do or what will set the other person off is the real haunting of carrying unrealistic expectations.
When people are able to openly and safely discuss their frustrations, insecurities, and needs with their partner, the relationship is able to thrive. Opening an honest conversation about what you want is invaluable to a successful and healthy connection with your partner.
In this journey, there is significant self-reflection where you have to dive deep into what your expectations are for your partner and if they are truly realistic. Empathy is so powerful when we explore whether our expectations for our relationships are realistic or not. Empathy helps us move towards compromise, which is imperative in this healing process.
Dismantling unrealistic expectations is going to be a unique process for each relationship so make sure you are prioritizing your own self-care while you work through these potentially challenging conversations. To have a healthy relationship means that you are also working hard to be a healthy individual and that is beautiful. Hard work means some real self-care is an absolute must!
Being able to share expectations within a relationship and set goals as individuals and for the relationship together is an intimate experience! Join together in accepting yourself and your partner as imperfect people with unique abilities and skills. Build strength and resilience by working hard to set healthy realistic expectations in your relationship and if you need some extra support, call us. We are happy to help!
My name is Jaimi Douthit and I’m a Licensed Professional Counselor at the Center for Couples Counseling. I love working with couples and individuals who are ready and motivated to make changes in their lives and relationships, who can handle feedback and encouragement, and engage in using the tools I teach in therapy outside of the therapy room. At the Center for Couples Counseling, we specialize in couples therapy, infertility counseling, postpartum mood and anxiety disorders, self-care and burnout, and perfectionism. We help couples and individuals in the League City and Houston areas in person, and all residents of the State of Texas online. Call us at (832) 827-3288 to schedule a free phone consultation.
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